


Dating Remus Lupin

by Children_of_the_Shadows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-23 09:54:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 83,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2543330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Children_of_the_Shadows/pseuds/Children_of_the_Shadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introducing Remus Lupin

_An appropriate way to narrate this story would perhaps be to start from the very beginning when Sirius Black was born. It was a supposedly lovely January, though one could never tell in London, where the weather usually did a limbo between dreary or downright depressing. Sirius's mother, a young Walburga Black, felt herself above the humiliation of having to spread her legs and expose herself to the healers for a normal child birth. Thus, she coped with it in the way she found most suitable (and most others didn't): she had copious amounts of illegal potion and quite a bit of wandwork. Later, these potions would be put down as the reason for Sirius's questionable mental health._

_James Potter, who was born only two months before was considered a suitable playmate for the young Black. Both boys were from respectable pureblood families (unlike those disgraceful Weasleys) and both considered as the heirs to their family fortune. Thus, both were the princes of their family and bosom buddies. James Potter knew everything about Sirius Black, right down to his last quirk. If asked to write a short summary of his best friend, James would highlight the following points:_

_**Sirius Black was a rebel.** _ _No one quite understood exactly what fuelled this rebellion, though Mrs. Black often liked to blame the Potters. In any case, Sirius liked to do anything and everything against the rules, no matter how ridiculous. Every year, he adopted a new way to make Walburga Black scream herself hoarse. In their first year at Hogwarts, it had been Gryffindor banners plastered all over his room. In their second, it had been long hair and Muggle clothing. In their third, it had been the bikini girl posters; and finally in their fourth year, Sirius introduced the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black to David Bowie and Led Zeppelin. Of course, along with the heavy metal also came the atrocious leather jacket and a studded collar._

_**Sirius Black was also insane.** _ _Now, when asked, Sirius would vehemently deny being anything like his parents, chiefly his mother. Unfortunately, God and genetics have a sense of humour. Sirius not only inherited his good looks from Mrs. Black, but also her temper and complete, utter insanity. James remembered a time when Sirius had tried to jump off The Leaky Cauldron's fifth floor just for fun. The concept of breaking bones or possible cracking his head and bleeding all over the place seemed quite foreign to the young Black._

_**Sirius Black didn't like girls much.** _ _Sirius's cootie period lasted all of second year. In their third year, after James declaring his undying love for Lily Evans, Sirius decided he to up his mate and got himself a girlfriend, lewd posters (see fact one), and more cocky charm than James ever remembered him having. It lasted up till fourth year when Sirius had his first kiss and decided his girlfriend and month old calamari tasted exactly the same._

_**Sirius Black was gay.** _ _James was of course completely clueless about this despite fact number three and the various posters of David Bowie and bare chested Quidditch players. In fact, even after Sirius declared himself gay to James in fourth year, James refused to believe it. Not because he was uncomfortable by any means, but because after all these years of knowing Sirius, he reckoned that fact four was simply a manifestation of fact one. In fact, James didn't believe Sirius at all until Remus Lupin came into their lives._

_So while Sirius's birth would be the most appropriate start to a story like this, perhaps an easier way to go about things is start on the summer before James and Sirius's fifth year. It was a hot summer, almost too hot because both boys had spent most of the day in the pond beside the Potter residence. They were skinny dipping, of course, because swimming wasn't half as fun when you had clothes on and by the end of the day, both were sporting spectacular tans that would earn them an hour's worth of Mrs. Potter rubbing aloe-vera on to their skin. Before the aloe-vera, however, is where the pivotal conversation of our story lies._

_Thus, we can say it started in the park one evening, when the sky was somewhat pinkish from the sun coming to a set. The boys were exhausted and slightly reluctant to go home and confine themselves after having such a brilliant day. So they were procrastinating in a children's park nearby, doing tricks on the swing and sliding down the sliders on their feet because they were too big to sit on them. Sirius's favourite was of course the jungle gym and it was swinging there that he made his confession to James…_

'Cor, I hate being gay,' Sirius declared, swinging by his knees on the jungle gym and looking at James upside down. His long, wet hair swished around underneath him and in a moment of irritation, he swept it up in a quick ponytail and tied it securely.

James pushed up his glasses to roll his eyes at his best friend briefly, before going back to the book he and Sirius had nicked from his father's study ( _Hexing Your Enemies)_. 'You're only fifteen, Sirius, you don't know if you're gay,' James replied off handedly, dog-earing one of the pages he knew he would try once school started and Severus Snape was in clear sight.

Sirius frowned, his handsome face already red from all the blood rushing to his head and his grey eyes bulging slightly. 'I thought we already had this conversation. I don't like birds… _at all._ '

'You've only ever kissed one,' James reasoned. 'You can't judge by that.' Briefly, he wondered if this change in sexuality was Sirius's new phase and if he was planning on telling Mrs. Black about it any time soon. For Sirius's safety, James hoped not. The Blacks weren't above hexes when it came to child discipline.

'That  _one_  was enough,' Sirius replied in disgust, forcing James to remember their conversation of Sirius's Mollusk-girlfriend. James hoped to Merlin Lily Evans didn't taste like that. Not that he would ever stop fancying her because of it, but it would be a hindrance to their soon-to-be relationship.

'Anyway, I'm gay.' Sirius repeated in case James didn't hear the first time. 'I'm a miserable gay man.'

James snorted at "man" but didn't comment any further. 'I guess you're going to whine all day long until I ask you why exactly you're miserable.'

'Of course.' Sirius grinned, straightening himself up to sit between two bars and tilting a little from the sudden head rush.

James rolled his eyes exasperatedly, conceding to Sirius's melodrama. There was obviously no way out of this situation, so he closed his book and focused all his attention to his friend. 'Alright, why do you hate being gay?'

Sirius sighed dramatically. 'I can't find anyone to ask out,' he replied, resting his head in his hands. 'I mean, it's the 70's for Merlin's sake; you'd think there'd be a couple of fairy boys running around in Hogwarts dateless.'

James had a very disturbing mental picture of Sirius with feathery wings and a pink frock. He shook it off quickly, not wanting to lose his lunch or his sanity in the bushes.

'I mean, even a pillock like you has had a girlfriend or two. Why do I have to be alone?'

James groaned, knowing the inevitable speech of vanity that was to come. Sirius was a Black after all, and the apple might have fallen a good distance from the tree, but the apple was still a bloody apple. It was not an orange.

'My charm and insatiable good looks are completely going to waste,' Sirius complained on cue as he grabbed the bar again, this time with his hands, and swung like a rabid monkey.

Sirius was wearing James's too small t-shirt this summer because he couldn't be bothered to unpack his own trunk. As a result, he ended showing more skin than covering. Not that any of the neighbourhood girls were complaining. Sirius was undeniably good looking after all, but it was still a massive blow to James's ego to know that despite being straight and available, his supposedly gay best friend still got more attention than he did. If only those girls could hear their conversation now…

'I can't be the only one there, right? Sirius asked, looking intently at James. 'I mean…I'm fifteen…should be shagging some hot bloke this year…'

In a moment of brotherly affection, James realised that Sirius's eyes were no longer holding that eternal glint of mischief or humour. He was being quite genuine, his expression almost pleading. James wondered if it was really about having a boyfriend or a companion; someone to make Sirius feel a little less alienated and perhaps more like he belonged somewhere. Maybe Sirius just needed someone to relate to and not just shag. Figuring that asking Sirius if those were his real motives would be pointless, James decided to shrug casually and provide the easiest answer he could find:

'You could ask Lupin out.'

Sirius stopped swinging. 'Lupin?'

James nodded, opening his book again to appear less intimidating and more blasé. There were limits to manly conversations, and talking about feelings and gushing about date prospects was definitely crossing the border. 'He's in our year, same dorms as Frank actually…'

Sirius looked perplexed. 'I don't think I've ever even heard of him. How can he be in our year, in Gryffindor, and still be unnoticeable?'

James scratched his neck idly. 'He's the bloke all those rumours spread about last year. The one who was caught snogging Beater, Patrick Orton.'

The surprise on Sirius's face was enough to know that James had his attention. No one really knew how much of the rumours were true really, but James and a few more players on the team had had front row seats to the whole spectacle that it had created. Sirius, who hadn't been on the team until last year, when Orton suddenly transferred to a Quidditch Academy mid semester, knew only the few basic facts. James wasn't much of a gossip monger and they'd never really discussed it until now, with Sirius eagerly jumping off the bars to sit right in front of James.

Sirius didn't even try to hide his excitement. Everyone knew that anything with a little danger and gossip only served to attract and entice him even further. 'So, Lupin's the one?' he asked James, eyes gleaming with simply the prospect of dating someone infamous. 'Merlin, I thought he'd be older. Orton was a seventh year…that's like child molestation or something!'

'Orton's a git. Lily thinks so too,' James added bluntly, as if Lily justified his statement, which she did. Lily was the smartest girl in school and when she said or thought something, she was always right; even she claimed the moon was made of cheese, James would believe her. 'Minute those rumours reached the Quidditch field, he backed out and blamed Lupin for everything. Don't know why; people weren't angry or anything…just curious. But he went ahead and said he was under the influence of some love potion Lupin concocted and what not. And most everyone believed him, too, just 'cause he was the Quidditch captain.'

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows in thought. 'How do you know Orton was lying?'

'I take class with Lupin… Care of Magical Creatures…' James explained when he remembered that Sirius had preferred to take Muggle Studies instead. 'He doesn't look the kind. Awful quiet. Just keeps to himself mostly and never bothers nobody. Everyone gave him a lot of shite after Orton, but he never said a word.'

James remembered how unfeeling the Lupin boy had appeared, his already stoic face looking as if he'd shut down completely. When Lily and Alice had stood up for him against the other tormenting boys, Lupin had simple looked at them in a way that warned them to back off and not get involved. James reckoned Lupin looked almost dangerous at that moment, and knew he wasn't the only one who thought so. A lot of people still teased the boy about his affair with Orton, but unlike other bully victims, no one ever touched Lupin or picked physical fights with him. It was almost as if they were scared to get too close. Then again, who wouldn't be; the boy had the most lifeless and cold amber eyes James had ever seen.

'Anyway,' James continued, breaking out of his thoughts, 'if he was the Love Potion kind, I reckon he would have done something to get revenge, don't you? You might have a hard time getting to him though. The boy's practically mute. I've only ever heard him answer attendance.'

Sirius waved it off, unconcerned. 'Fixable,' he replied, obviously confident of his own charm and influence. 'What's he sound like though, do you remember?'

James didn't remember actually and he had to try very hard not to laugh at Sirius's worried face when he replied, 'A bit like a girl actually. Sort of squeaky.'

'So he hasn't grown up yet. That's alright. I mean, your voice still squeaks occasionally.'

'It does not!' James yelled, indignant and hoping Lily Evans didn't think his voice was squeaky. 'And you know what else? Lupin's really short!' James lied vengefully. 'And he's got spots all over his face  _and_  he's bald!'

Sirius laughed loudly, falling on his back and clutching his stomach. 'He sounds like a dream, Jamie-boy. I can't wait.'

James huffed, pulling moodily at the grass underneath him.

'What else can you tell me about him?'

James considered telling another atrocious lie, but decided Sirius could use at least a little bit of information about the Lupin boy. After all, despite being a royal prick, Sirius always helped his conquests with Lily. It was only logical to return the favour.

'Good with animals,' James told Sirius, kicking him playfully on the knee when Sirius sprawled on the grass like he owned it. 'We had this class about unicorns and he was the only boy they came close to. Nearly speared Peter's fat arse when he tried to get close.' James grinned fondly at the memory. 'I heard Lily and Alice saying he's just like Snow White.'

Sirius looked up inquiringly. 'What's that?'

James shrugged. 'Search me. I think it's 'cause he's so pale.'

Sirius frowned thoughtfully. 'So this Lupin…he's pale…skinny…tall and spotless…quiet…and good with animals. Not too awful. That settles it then.' Sirius gave a triumphant smirk at James and stood up to strike a valiant pose. 'Jamie-boy, Lupin is my boyfriend from here forth, and as my brother in arms and second cousin thrice removed, it is your duty to accept us as a couple and give us your best wishes and your finest china!'

James raised a sardonic eyebrow. 'You don't even know his first name.'

'Psh. Don't be so materialistic. Love knows no boundaries,' Sirius declared, head held high and hands rested on his hips. 'Names are insignificant.'

James rolled his eyes. 'You haven't even asked him yet.'

'He's just been betrayed by his boyfriend, James. He needs a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold him and comfort him, and bring a smile to his face.' Sirius grinned conspiratorially and held his arms open wide. 'Who do you think is the perfect candidate? The opportunity is ideal. He's  _mine_!' The last part of his speech was punctuated by an oddly pitchy war cry.

James groaned, feeling the beginnings of impending doom. Well, at least it was going to be an interesting year…

* * *

_Later, if asked how he and Remus Lupin met, Sirius would retell the story as love at first sight. He would quite romantically say that he had been standing on one side of the platform while Remus on the other, both of them static against the flurry of Hogwarts student and parents. Their eyes would meet and it would be as if light was shining down upon Lupin from the heavens, telling Sirius that Remus was 'the one' even before James pointed him out. There would be electricity and shivers, and time would stand still just for them._

' _We were perfect opposites,' he would say with a dreamy grin. Remus Lupin, the prim and polished Mod, and Sirius Black, the rebellious rouge. It was a picture so completely imperfect that it could only be defined as art at its highest peak. Both boys would realise this perfect imperfection simultaneously of course. They would then drift closer to each other without realising and within minutes, their hands and lips would meet in perfect union. They would then of course, proceed to shag in an empty train compartment (protection used of course)for four hours, after which they would exchange I love you's._

_At the end of Sirius's tale, James would roll his eyes and point out that Sirius hadn't even known Lupin's first name when they'd met. But of course, as mentioned previously, Sirius wasn't materialistic. Names were insignificant in the due course of true love. Still, facts were slightly exaggerated for entertainment value and in truth, what really happened was er…slightly more different._

'I don't see him!'

'There, farther to the left!' James yelled over the crowd, turning Sirius's head aggressively to face a middle-aged man with greying hair and a rather large school trunk, standing in front of the Hogwarts Express.

'Are you taking the mickey?' Sirius shouted crossly. 'That one's got to be at least in his thirties. There's no way he could've failed enough times to be in Hogwarts!'

James smacked him up the head. 'That's his dad, you prick! The boy beside him!'

Sirius huffed but looked back again, only to have his eyes widen and his breath catch. 'Bloody hell,' he cried, standing on his tip toes to see better. 'Shite, mate, you didn't tell me he was bloody gorgeous!'

'He is?' James asked, also standing on his tip toes to confirm Sirius's statement.

Sirius looked at him disbelievingly. Even a straight man could see that Lupin was damn fit. The boy had neat light brown hair that reminded Sirius of beach sands and calming waves; somewhat longish, but not like Sirius's which was held together in an untidy braid to below his shoulder blades. Lupin was also, blissfully, spotless, save for a single prominent beauty mark underneath his eye that Sirius really, really wanted to kiss. Those eyes though; they were what really captured Sirius's attention the most and made Lupin stand out amongst the crowd. They were amber of the lightest kind and…sad…almost mournful…

'He's Mod,' Sirius noticed further with a cringe, taking in Lupin's attire: a dark, full-sleeved turtle neck over smartly fit grey trousers, and black school robes hanging open neatly at the shoulders. He even had a cane, dark polished wood, but not the aristocratic kind that Sirius's father carried. Sirius thought it gave certain flair and personality to Lupin's stature; still, it did clash with Sirius's image terribly. Sirius, who was about ripped jeans and leather and anything that was loud, wild, and obnoxious. They were complete opposites; what would he talk to Lupin about? The boy probably liked Frank Sinatra, for Merlin's sake.

_I did it myyy wayyy!_

Sirius shivered at the very thought of it.

'I thought he was just depressed,' James said finally, after spending a good minute surveying Lupin's clothes. 'Honestly, I think you've got him wrong.'

Sirius looked at the impossibly dark and thick lashes framing the boy's amber eyes and sighed. 'I doubt I did. 'This isn't good…I mean…he probably listens to  _The Jam_  and  _Wizard's Eye_ , Jamie. They do rock and roll in  _suits._ It's disgraceful!'

James looked at Sirius as if he couldn't care less. 'Well, if you're not really interested. I guess Lupin can mend his broken heart alone…'

Sirius startled. 'Now, I never said that…'

'You'd better go catch him then, 'cause he's already gone in…' James replied, his expression superior. 'I haven't asked Evans out this year, so I'll leave you to yourself, shall I?'

Sirius grinned, checking out his reflection in the metal counter and straightening his studded collar. 'Don't come running to me with tentacles on your face again. Those suckers pulled out my hair last time.'

Sirius dodged James's punch and ran into the already moving train, quickly making his job to peek into all the compartments and running into quite a few couples heavily snogging. On any other occasion, Sirius would have grouched about disgusting displays and lovesick fools, but he was in an unusually good mood today. After all, he and Lupin were soon going to be one of those disgusting couples without an ounce of decency. The thought sent him whistling through the hall, bounce in every step.

He finally found Lupin at the end compartment, sitting alone and looking out of the window with the same sad expression Sirius had caught him with earlier. 'Missing home already?' Sirius asked, breaking the silence as he walked in and closed the door behind him.

Lupin looked up at him briefly and then turned back to the window, but not before Sirius saw his eyes harden slightly. The miserable expression was gone, replaced by a more guarded and reserved one.

'I don't blame you,' Sirius continued, seating himself on the seat opposite Lupin's. 'I mean, Grimmauld Place is horrid, but I do miss Mr. and Mrs. Potter. They're the best and I stay with them most of the summer. Mrs. Potter bakes the best cakes in the world. You should try them sometime.'

Lupin continued to ignore him, much to Sirius's chagrin. James had mentioned that the boy didn't speak much, but Lupin could at least make an effort to acknowledge his presence. In any case, Sirius wasn't giving up that easily. Lupin was the love of his life, after all, and love was a rocky road (or something like that).

'So, what courses do you take? I know you take Magical Creatures with my mate, James, and you have to take a couple of others since they're compulsory.' Again, Sirius found himself accompanied by silence. James hadn't mentioned Lupin's attitude problem. 'I think you sit towards the end or something, 'cause I never actually see you in class. Don't blame you, though. It's great when you want to take a nap during Binns' lessons.'

Lupin blinked and Sirius knew he'd gotten the beginnings of a reaction. It wasn't quite the smile he'd expected and Lupin didn't look like the barking laughter type, but it was definitely better than the stoic and reserved expression he'd been keeping around Sirius for so long.

'You should sit with me, James and Peter in the feast this time,' Sirius offered with a broad smile, 'We throw food at the Slytherins when the Professors aren't watching and James had been working on this prank the whole summer. He won't tell me what it is, but it's going to be brilliant! And then there are the ickle first years, of course…always susceptible to a good scare.'

'I'm a prefect,' Lupin replied stonily and Sirius thought he was going to die from overstimulation.

They were the first words Lupin had spoken to him in almost half an hour worth of Sirius blabbering, albeit they weren't very kind. Lupin's voice wasn't squeaky or pitchy at all, but well matured and very, very sexy in Sirius's opinion at least. It wasn't so much as his voice as the way he'd spoken – just slightly higher than a whisper and smooth as the words effortlessly flowed past his lips in an enticing melody. The same pink lips Sirius found himself staring at for a good ten minutes before registering that Lupin was a prefect.

A  _prefect_ …

Not good.

Dating a prefect was the worst move for a troublemaking prankster like him. Lupin could deduct points, try to force rules unto him, preach morals and _etiquette_ , maybe even want to change him or make him stop playing pranks altogether! Next thing he knew, Sirius would be joining the student body and _upholding his duties as a citizen and student of Hogwarts_.

No. No. No.

That just wouldn't do.

Sirius bit his lip and looked at Lupin intently. Damn, but he wanted the boy badly. How was Sirius supposed to decide between such a perfect picture of gorgeousness (also potential shag candidate) and his dignity and self preservation? It was impossible!

_Unless._

Unless Sirius changed him first; and turned him into a certified Marauder and mischief maker. After all, he was the most insistent of the lot and when he put his mind to it, there was no stopping until he got what he wanted. Besides, once he and Lupin were dating, Lupin would have no choice but to listen to him. That's what boyfriends did, didn't they?

'Anything from the trolley, lovies?'

Sirius looked up at the Trolley Lady – Martha (as her name tag read), and grinned. 'What can I get you, Lupin? Anything you want – it's my treat.'

Sirius turned around to see that Lupin had already gotten up and was paying the woman for a handful of chocolate frogs. 'The usual, eh, love?' she commented kindly, also adding a couple of Pumpkin Pasties into a paper bag for his convenience. 'You don't look so well this year. Are you alright, Remus?'

Remus. The boy's name was Remus.

Sirius and Remus.

Remus and Sirius.

_SiriusRemusSiriusRemus._

'I'm fine, ma'am,'  _Remus_  replied in that wonderful way of his, all quiet charm and pampered words. Sirius wanted to eat him whole and then some.

The door slid shut as Martha left the compartment, and Sirius noticed that Remus was leaning quite heavily on his cane, as he switched the bag into an unused hand. It was only when the boy started limping that Sirius realised that the cane was perhaps not so much of a Mod fashion statement than a support crutch.

'You're limping,' He stated the obvious, still a little in shock as he noticed bandages wound tightly around Lupin's right leg, beneath his trousers.

'Well spotted,' Remus muttered sarcastically. The fluidity and ease with which he used his cane told Sirius that this was probably not the first time it was being used. Sirius wondered if Lupin's leg was broken.

'I mean, why are you limping?' Sirius rephrased, getting up from his seat to help his future boyfriend and love of his life.

'I enjoy it,' Remus bit back in a low, scathing voice, 'Whenever I'm free, I limp to pass time.'

Sirius would have laughed if the situation had been less serious. 'Here, put your arm around my shoulder. I can-'

Sirius had barely touched him, when Remus grabbed him roughly by the chin, told him to ' _shut up_ ', and kissed him, hard.

Sirius felt his head explode, stars and constellations dancing in front of his eyes and his brain deciding to give up function entirely. It was hot. It was very, very hot, and Remus didn't bother with the subtleties of asking entrance or progressive kissing. He just plunged in, tounge exploring every corner of Sirius's mouth, and teeth nipping almost maliciously at Sirius's bottom lip. Remus's hands were buried in Sirius's hair, fisted hard and pulling Sirius closer and tighter, making their bodies nearly overbalance.

When Remus finally let go, Sirius was dizzy and lightheaded with ecstasy, a goofy grin forming on his face. He could already see little love hearts framing Remus's face, angels trumpeting symphonies and epic rhapsodies, little green elves tap dancing over rainbows and gold coins out of sheer joy…

'You've won. Just go collect your money now and stop bothering me.'

The hearts shattered and the elves looked rather confused. 'Huh?'

'Wasn't that it?' Lupin asked coldly, his face suddenly reminding Sirius of the dolls he would see at toyshops – the ones with porcelain skin and big blue eyes that stared at you frighteningly for hours and hours unblinkingly. 'A bigger bet maybe. Seduce the school's "Fruit Lupe" and dump him in a week. Let's see if he uses a Love Potion again. Or did you have to sleep with me?'

Sirius sobered up from his gold rimmed fantasies in a flash. 'What are you talking about? What bet?' When Lupin didn't answer and went back to his seat, indifferent as ever, Sirius followed him. 'Oi, what are you on about, honestly?'

Sirius frowned when Lupin kept looking out the window, the hard, reserved look back in his amber eyes. Those eyes: they didn't look human, Sirius realised for the first time. They were eyes of the dead, that odd glimmer he'd seen on the platform just a simple trick of light. They didn't mar Lupin's beauty in any way, but left one with an empty, even wary feeling inside.

Slightly uncomfortable and being inept at handling complicated situations, Sirius decided perhaps it would be reassuring for Lupin if he just picked up the conversation where he'd left of:

'So anyway, we thought of pranks all summer. I think you should totally join us, being in the same year and all. You'll like James; he's bloody tops and maybe a little less manic than me, except when it comes to Lily Evans. Merlin knows what he sees in that spitball from hell. And there's Peter. I think you'll like him too. He's a good mate, though it's a bit annoying how he idolises James.'

Sirius's blatant effort to change conversation went completely unnoticed by Lupin, who was staring off at the distance, as if lost within grassy plains and corn fields.

'Course, I won't have you paying too much attention to them when you're with me and all. I don't want to lose you to too many pranks or nothing. Have you noticed? Even our names go together. Sirius and Remus. Remus and Sirius. We're a perfect fit, eh?'

Sirius breathed after a long time and looked at Lupin, slowly carving out the boy's profile to his memory and stopping at his lips. The same lips that had been kissing him furiously only minutes ago. Just the memory brought back little red hearts dancing in front of his eyes again, and Sirius had to wipe off the drool with the back of his hand to not look like a diseased maniac.

'You know. I told James you were Mod or something when I saw that cane. And your eyes…I thought you had on that black gunk birds put on at first.' Sirius brushed Lupin's eyelashes softly with his knuckles – they were real. 'Like amber stones,' he whispered, 'me mum wears them all the time, but she doesn't look half as gorgeous as you. You have beautiful eyes, did anyone tell you that?'

'Excuse me,' Lupin said gruffly, pushing Sirius roughly away, and Sirius found himself melting in his seat at that voice again. He really needed to learn how to control himself better around Lupin; his brains turning to mush all the time wasn't exactly desirable.

'Oi!' Sirius called out, following after Remus once he'd gathered his wits and solidified his guts. 'Oi! You're still going to Hogsmeade with me, right? Oi! Don't walk out on your date, damn it!'

'I take it went well, then?' James asked, coming out of the adjacent compartment when he heard Sirius screaming. An all-knowing smirk graced his lips and he looked at Remus's retreating back as it took a left turn and vanished into another compartment, probably the one for Prefects. 'Real charming, Black. You have him on his knees already.'

Sirius paid him no mind, giving a dreamy sigh. Lupin was hard to get – a real fighter.  _Perfect_. Sirius was falling in love with him already.  _Remus._ Looking at his best friend through watery eyes, Sirius smiled lopsidedly, 'Jamie, my boy, I think we've found  _the one._ '

 


	2. Convincing Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_By their first morning in Hogwarts, James realised that he was best mates with a complete and utter fool. Within the course of five hours, said best mate being Sirius Black, had spontaneously declared Remus Lupin as 'the one', concluded that he was madly in love, and also managed to scare away the poor Lupin boy with his antics because by dinner, Remus was no where in sight. When asked about Lupin's whereabouts, Frank had frowned and said that Lupin rarely attended dinner, and often didn't return until past curfew. Lily had also added that Lupin sometimes went down to Hagrid's hut to spend time with the animals or holed himself in the library. James didn't want to know how Lily knew so much about the Lupin fellow. He had a hankering that any answer she might give would lead to the castration of Remus Lupin, and then Sirius would be desolate and virginal for the rest of his life. Lupin was 'the one' after all…_

_Well, Lupin_ _**would** _ _be 'the one' if Sirius didn't manage to muck things up or get himself killed somehow before that. Not that James could speak much from experience, given that he had been chasing the girl of his dreams for what seemed only like forever, but even he knew that tact and discretion were probably important qualities in a seduction. Sirius, unfortunately, had neither. And this little fact hit James Potter, quite literally, hard in the face during breakfast the day after the Sorting…_

'Look how gorgeous he is, James,' Sirius murmured, resting his chin upon his hand dreamily. His hand-eye coordination had gone completely haywire, and his spoonful of cereal was dangerously close to his right nostril. 'Look at those eyes. They're so big and…'

'Green…' James sighed, buttering the same piece of toast for the third time as he stared at the object of his eternal affections. Lily Evans had let her hair down today, and her long flowing curls were proving to be more of a distraction than usual for poor James who had been smitten with her since second year. 'Have you ever seen hair that shiny?'

Sirius frowned. 'Well, I do look in the mirror everyday…' His eyes roamed Lupin's entire form appreciatively. 'But  _rawr!'_

Lupin, who was sitting only a few seats away and well within hearing range, rolled his eyes. Lily glared through her friends giggling. A few people around them even snickered, thinking that James and Sirius were up to their usual comedic antics again and that this was all part of another prank they were working on. Peter, who was sitting beside James, was too engrossed in his bacon to pay much attention to the other two Marauders' lovesick admirations.

'And his voice, Jamie-boy. His voice is about the hottest thing alive,' Sirius declared, spreading his arms wide and flinging a generous spoonful of cereal towards the staff table. 'With that lovely, lovely accent. I wonder what country he's from…'

'England,' Lupin muttered sarcastically.

James made an unintelligible noise that sounded a lot like 'sexy as hell'.

'You know, you're agreeing an awful lot with me,' Sirius muttered suspiciously, his gaze on Lupin growing slightly darker from possessiveness. 'You don't have a crush on him as well, do you? If you do, you'd better forget it now, mate. He's mine.'

James blinked owlishly. 'Huh?'

'Do you think we should go sit next to him?' Sirius asked, finally taking his eyes off Lupin to look at his best friend.

'But she hits me when I come so much as fifty feet within her,' James whined, looking back at Sirius. 'She throws a mean punch, you know.' He rubbed the still healing bruise on his jaw, remembering the incident with Evans on the train.

'Oi! You two over there!' Sirius yelled, completely ignorant to James's thoughts of anguish. 'Oi! Pudgy and Half-Pint! Switch seats with us, will you? I want to sit beside my Pumpkin!'

The two boys sitting next to Lupin glared. 'Been brewing again, have you, Lupin?' Pudgy sneered viciously.

Sirius hadn't heard it over his own yelling, but James's head swiveled in surprise at the comment. He looked at Lupin in indignance to see that the boy hadn't so much as glanced at the other two and continued to eat his eggs calmly as if nothing had happened. James didn't understand how Lupin could be so impassive and uncaring, but it seemed to work; Pudgy seemed disgruntled at not being able to garner a response.

'Come on, Jamie. The path to true love waits!' Sirius pulled James roughly by the elbow.

Now here's where the beauty of complex biology kicks in and Sirius's move would perhaps make more sense if it were to be seen rather than read. You see, in his haste to get to Lupin, Sirius pulled James's hand at an alarming one-eighty degree angle. This caused his shoulder to pop and twist, sending faulty signals down James's neck. These faulty signals read:  _drop James's head into his cereal bowl very, very hard._ James's neck, not having much of a brain, bowed down in reverence to this faulty signal. One could say that it bowed down a bit too low, since James ended up with quite a face full (and quite frankly, some in his nose, too) of his breakfast.

Sirius huffed grumpily, completely oblivious to the semi-karate move he'd just pulled on his best friend. 'You could have told me you were hungry, mate,' Sirius grouched. 'Honestly, you make such a show of yourself.'

And then, to James's utter disdain, Black actually had the gall to march over to the other side of the table and pull Half-Pint off his seat by the collar, only to deposit himself beside Lupin with a Cheshire grin and a casual, 'Mornin', my Love Muffin.'

Merlin, Sirius needed help.

* * *

_And so came the decision of James taking matters into his own hands. Asking was the key, James reasoned, every bleeding idiot in England knew that. When you wanted to date someone, you asked them. You did not readily assume that they were going to go along with your madness and get swept off their feet after being called Love Muffin and invading their personal space._

_Even James, who could sometimes be a thick headed pillock, had picked up that much. When courting the beautiful Lily Evans, James would often thoughtfully say, 'Oi, Evans, I charmed Snivelly's underpants pink. Will you go out with me now?' It was courteous and humble, though James reckoned there was something a bit off about the way he was going on with things since Evans always said no. Now if only he could figure out what he was doing wrong…_

_Carrying on, James decided to take matters into his own hands before Lupin decided to break his code of pacifism and punch Sirius's front teeth out. Thus, during Care of Magical Creatures, James steeled himself and came up with the perfect excuse of talking to Remus Lupin: a Niffler. Yes, my friends, those furry little gold diggers that we all love so much…_

James sighed and tightened his arms around his Niffler. It was truly starting to irritate him, as it clawed at his face in an attempt to get to his glasses.  _The things I do for you, Black. You're lucky this is the first class of the term._ He stood in front of Lupin for a while, waiting and watching as Lupin petted and fed his Niffler with ease. Unlike James's animal, Lupin's was actually enjoying itself, basking in the attention it got and crawling on to Lupin's lap and playing between the folds of his robes. James figured that Lupin himself was caught up with the animal, since he didn't acknowledge James's presence. Either that or Lupin had quite an attitude problem.

James cleared his throat. 'Hey.'

Immediately, the Niffler in Lupin's lap came forth on its haunches and snarled, baring its teeth at James, who hadn't even known Nifflers had teeth. To his relief, it calmed down almost immediately after Lupin laid a gentle hand on its head. James wondered how in Merlin's name Lupin could control an animal that easily, when James's own was still wriggling in his grasp and fighting back viciously.

'Er…don't suppose you could help me with mine?' James asked weakly, receiving an inquisitive look from Lupin. 'Please?' James tried again. 'It's been clawing at me all day, and Professor Kettleburn's going to give me detention for sure if he sees this. He always thinks I'm up to no good.'

Lupin nodded, reaching out for James's Niffler. The animal, little bastard that it was, took a vengeful swipe at James's nose before moving into Lupin's arms and settling quite comfortably in the crook of his elbow. It was the oddest thing, thought James, because as soon as Lupin brought it down to the ground, the Niffler lay on its stomach and actually  _bared its neck in submission_. Of course, James's mind was known to play tricks quite often – an after effect of prolonged exposure to anything Black.

'Er…thanks,' James said unsurely as he healed the cuts on his nose. 'That thing really hated me.'

'You were holding her too tight,' Lupin replied, and James saw what Sirius was talking about over breakfast. Lupin's voice wasn't sexy, as Sirius claimed, but there was a certain twang in his English that got you thinking. It was a very odd accent, not one James had ever heard and the Potters were spread well across the country. What really got to him though was the quiet intensity to the way Lupin spoke; it left James shivering from eeriness. It wasn't normal for a boy this age to be so quiet and stoic. It was as if he was…what had Sirius called Lupin again?  _A porcelain doll_  – smooth clean lines and an expressionless face save for the big, brown (or amber gold, as Sirius would argue) eyes.

'I guess. She seems to like you better anyway,' James commented finally, watching in disdain as the vile creatures played together on Lupin's lap, mock fighting with each other, until James's one (Tramp, he decided to call her) decided to go for a run and the other Niffler settled on licking the exposed areas of Lupin's skin clean as if he were a one of its own cubs. Female, James realised with disgust, because no matter what species, females were always the most confusing and irritating of the lot. Also, James got a good view of its hindquarters and unless Hagrid was breeding odd creatures again…

'Listen, can I talk to you…about Sirius, you know.' James fidgeted uncomfortably and decided it would make easier conversation if he were to sit down. 'Look, I know you don't really trust him, and I don't blame you, yeah? I mean, after last year…'

James looked upon Lupin guiltily, hoping he wasn't treading too far on sensitive issues. Lupin did not react any differently, much to James's relief and bewilderment, but kept on petting his Niffler calmly. When Tramp returned with what looked suspiciously like a Kettleburn's bloody gold tooth in her mouth and presented it as a token of affection, Lupin bent down to touch his nose to hers and then gave her a hands full of treats in return. Again, James was in awe at how Lupin seemed to know innately exactly how to handle every species of animal, which meant he was also probably adept at handling women. Inwardly, James wondered why a man with such superhero ability would want to be gay.

James shook his head to clear his silly thoughts and focus on his goal. 'Look, Sirius…he's a raving lunatic…but he's a decent bloke, you know,' James reasoned, cracking what he hoped was a convincing smile. 'He plays a lot of pranks and does a lot of stupid things, but he never means to hurt anyone. Not intentionally, at least and-'

'What do you want me to do?' Lupin interrupted, gazing at him with piercing amber eyes that made James want to look away. They were too dull…too lifeless…and yet, they had enough intensity to make James feel distinctly uncomfortable. 'You came to me for a reason, so don't bother stalling. It wastes my time and yours.'

'Give him a chance,' James replied shortly, feeling both intimidated and slightly offended at Lupin's brusque tone. 'Tactless as he is, I'm sure you've realised that he wants to take you out. Couple of dates, all right, that's all I'm asking. Sirius never hides anything he does, so you'll know he isn't playing around with you. If you don't like him by the end of all this, dump him. I won't say a word.'

'He's irritating,' Lupin said simply.

'Only if you say no,' James replied cockily. 'I've known him since we were little and I'll tell you this: he's going to drive you mad until you say yes. Sirius isn't the kind to give up easily, especially if its something he wants.'

It was the colour of the boy's eyes that was unsettling, and not so much the gaze. James didn't see why Sirius raved over them so much – they were too opaque, practically emotionless save for the slight bitter glint where the sun hit. The thick, dark eyelashes only served to highlight how peculiar they were, making them appear even lighter.

Lupin focused his attention back on the Nifflers, much to James relief. Tramp and her "ex-friend" were now fighting over who got to sleep on the boy's lap, and both animals were trying to push each other off in an act of possession. 'So what do you get out of this?' Lupin asked finally, adjusting both Nifflers to settle on each thigh. 'How do you benefit from this exchange?'

James blinked. It was a very odd question to ask. Why would James have to get anything? It was for his best friend…his brother…did there really have to be a reason? James shrugged. 'He shuts up about how great you are and societal peace is restored.'

'For societal welfare, then?' Lupin questioned, expression sardonic. The corners of his lips twitched slightly in a not-quite-there smile. It was almost as if he was humouring James just by talking to him; as if Lupin didn't quite believe a word James was saying about Sirius but playing along because he was  _bored._

It struck James then how Sirius was bargaining for more than he could chew. Lupin was not your average bloke; he was not impressed by Sirius's rebellious persona or his dashing good looks. He was cold, cynical, and was hiding too many things between a perfectly crafted face - much like the "porcelain dolls" in the Knockturne Alley boutiques. The kind that stared at you innocently until you came close to it, and it then suddenly grew a wart and shouted  _Avada Kedavra_ at you. The doll was quite popular among pureblood girls, which probably said something about Sirius's character and tastes.

'For societal welfare and a quiet night's sleep…' James said finally, putting his hand out for a shake and immediately retracting it when Lupin didn't take it. Sirius definitely had his hands full with this Remus Lupin chap.

* * *

Sirius lolled around on the loveseat in front of the fire, sucking carelessly on a Sugar Quill. 'I don't get it,' he told James through the Quill, 'you can get me a date with Remus, but you can't so much as come near Evans without getting kicked in the balls.'

James threw a pillow at his best friend. 'Shut up, you git.' He ruffled his hair, looking longingly at Evans. 'You could at least have the decency to thank me. I fucking got you that date, you know.'

'Psh. Would've gotten it regardless,' Sirius replied offhandedly. 'You honestly didn't think I'd give up on the love of my life this easy, did you?'

James grunted. 'I didn't know you liked Sugar Quills. Didn't you swear off them after last year's… _incident._ '

'These are special,' Sirius defended, not meeting James's eyes at the mention of  _'the incident'_. 'I stole them from Remus's bag during Charms, so they're divine candy. The boy's got a real tooth, you know. The back pocket's loaded with sweets.'

James rolled his eyes and look towards the opening portrait hole. 'Speak of the devil,' he muttered as Lupin, Peter, and a few other Arithmancy students made their way into the common room. He waved over to Peter, who promptly grinned and took the seat beside James. Surprisingly, he was wise enough to leave empty space for another person to sit right beside Sirius. Even little Peter knew not to come in the way of Sirius and his over the top declarations of love.

'Angel Cake!' Sirius cried, opening his arms wide for Remus as if actually believing that the boy would jump into his lap at given opportunity. 'I've been waiting ages for you! Look at my swollen eyes – I was having love withdrawals!' Sirius didn't so much as flinch as Remus's steely eyed gaze landed on him first, then James and finally on one of the unoccupied seats in the corner of the room. 'Come on, Poppet, don't be like that!' Sirius cried in over dramatic despair when Remus walked away. 'Sit with me, Pumpkin, in the warmth of this lovely fireplace, and we can share this delicious Sugar Quill.'

Remus closed his eyes as if warding off a very painful headache. 'That's my Quill and my name isn't very hard to pronounce, Black.'

'Neither is mine,' Sirius replied cheerily, getting up and slinging an arm over Remus to pull him closer. 'It's Si-ri-us. It even rhymes with your name. Maybe I should write a poem on our epic love. I could serenade you from the dormitory windows underneath the moonlight, sing arias and rhapsodies while the stars shine their heavenly light upon us and…'

'I can't believe Lupin's lasted this long,' Peter commented quietly into James's ear. 'Those names are horrendous. Even Evans is cringing.'

James grimaced. 'Let's just hope he isn't serious about the serenading. That's another night's worth of sleep ruined then.'

'Are you going to come watch me play next Tuesday?' Sirius asked, practically forcing Remus onto the couch. 'We have our first Quidditch practices and James made captain this year.' Sirius laid his head on Remus's lap, letting his legs falls haphazardly over the arm of the couch. Surprisingly enough, Lupin didn't push him away. 'I play Beater and its bloody brilliant, 'cause I get to-'

'Carry a club and speak in monosyllables,' Remus replied monotonously, earning a snort from James and a chuckle from Peter. 'Quite fascinating.'

Sirius's face fell to an extremely pathetic expression. 'You won't come to see me then?'

Remus didn't even humour Sirius with an answer, simply staring into the fire. James thought he looked very odd for a moment, a flicker of what almost seemed like emotion in his eyes; but it was gone as quick as it had come and James was left with the feeling that it was probably an illusion.

'It'll be really good,' Sirius whined in a needy tone. 'We're the best team Hogwarts has ever had and we'll probably win the cup this time.' Sirius's eyes grew impossibly large and watery, his eyebrows drooping pathetically and lips forming a well practiced pout. He even dared to make a needy whimper that sounded more canine than human. It was ridiculously charming, though one could never explain why.

'Lupin's never going to fall for the sad eyes,' Peter whispered again, watching with unmasked exasperation as Sirius cocked his head in a very doggish manner. 'Everyone knows Blacks don't cry. This is totally going to backfire.'

'I don't know,' James replied, looking at Remus curiously. The boy was looking quite intently at Sirius now, as if actually contemplating if Sirius was going to burst out crying. Sirius could be very convincing when he needed to be, and everyone knew he was a little unstable (nuts) in the head. 'Five galleons say Lupin gives in. Sirius has never failed before.'

Peter grinned.

'My mother's sick. I'll be going to visit her on Monday,' Remus said finally, and Sirius truly did look like he was about to cry. James didn't know if he was faking it or was genuinely upset. His best mate could be incredibly mysterious at times.

'Okay,' Sirius replied in a small voice, turning on his side and digging his face into Lupin's lap with a snuffle. 'I'll miss you, my love. I shall wait in this tower of loneliness until you return.' He took Remus's hand, kissed it, and then guided it to the crown of his head to rest there. The hand dropped, but Sirius didn't seem to mind as he fell into comfortable slumber.

James almost felt sorry for the Lupin bloke.

* * *

_If you ever asked James Potter to write down a list of characteristics that defined Remus Lupin as he had done for his best friend, Sirius Black, you would have a very confused James Potter. He would explain to you as if explaining why green grass could also turn blue to a five year old, that Remus Lupin was an enigma. A mystery so complicated and impenetrable that it could not be defined on mere parchment with words alone. In truth, no matter how hard he tried, James could not figure out or categorise Lupin. He was in awe with the boy, just as Sirius was, though not in a 'your cock in my arse' sort of way. James wanted to know what secrets lay behind the cynicism, what fatalities lay behind that limp in Lupin's leg that seemed to come and go? He wanted to know what this Lupin character was, to satisfy his own curiosity and to protect Sirius whom James had adopted as his brother even before he could say 'Wizards Wireless Worries Warts With Wins' fifty times without breaking._

_So, to cover up his lack of knowledge about Lupin, James decided to be romantic about the whole idea. He would say that Lupin was like a winter breeze – cold and biting, but once passed, you'd never be able to tell the temperature it was in or how it was created. Yes, that's Remus Lupin, James would say, and all the ladies would coo in admiration of his wit and poetic abilities. Remus Lupin was like a winter breeze._

_Which is why it came as quite a surprise to James one Tuesday afternoon, during Quidditch practice, when he discovered that Remus Lupin was also quite deceptively_ _**kind** _ _…_

'Sirius, I want you to the farthest right. Man the areas from there up till the fourth hoop, and Gideon can take charge of the rest. Fay…I don't want you to hover around in one place, expecting the Snitch to come towards you. Zip around. Think where the Snitch would go!  _Be the bloody Snitch_!'

'Potter's gone mad!' Fabian Prewett exclaimed as he and Sirius kicked off from the ground. 'How am I supposed to _be the Snitch_?'

'James takes Quidditch seriously; you know that,' Sirius reasoned, watching as all the balls were released from the crate. 'I reckon we actually have a chance at that cup this time.'

'Hm,' Fabian hummed, hovering beside Sirius uneasily instead of following James's command to move around or at least ' _act more like a Seeker and less like Sirius's own personal shadow!'_

'Something on your mind, Fay?' Sirius asked, easily hitting the approaching Bludger towards the farthest stands. 'You seemed troubled and you keep looking at me like I murdered your owl or somewhat.'

Fabian Prewett bit his lip and seemed almost hesitant to speak. 'You know I'm all for pranks, Sirius,' Fabian started. 'Hell, me and Gid's played our fair share before the NEWTS decided to take over our lives. A good laugh is always welcome, but Gid and I…we don't really like what you're doing right now. It's…it's not right, mate.'

Sirius frowned in confusion, swerving to hit another Bludger away from the Chasers before coming back to Fabian. 'What are you talking about? We haven't started any pranks yet…'

'Lupin,' Fabian replied gruffly. 'Look, mate, it is one thing to play a joke and a whole other thing to play with someone's feelings. Bloke's done no harm. Merlin, he hardly even speaks.'

Sirius spluttered in shock and incredulity. 'Is all that red hair getting to your head, Fay?'

'Look, Sirius,' Fabian argued with a stern tone, looking slightly angry. 'If this is some kind of revenge on Orton's behalf or something, then as Headboy, I'm going to have to stand in the way. You've only been a year on the team, so you probably don't know much, but that story is absolute bullocks.'

'I-'

'Trust me,' Fabian interrupted, 'my sister, Molly, has played with love potions before, so I know what the hell I'm talking about. Orton's a lying-'

'Bastard, yes, I know,' Sirius cut in exasperatedly. 'Why does everyone think I'm playing a prank on Remus? It's so unfair.' Sirius hit the approaching Bludger with a little more force than necessary, feeling the need to channel his frustration somewhere. 'I really like him.'

' _Oi, Black! Watch it! You nearly took my head there!'_

'So…so you're actually dating?' Fabian cried in disbelief.

' _Fay, are you fucking blind? That Snitch practically danced up your nostril for five whole minutes. Focus, damn it!'_

 _Dating,_ Sirius realised. It had never hit him before this, but yes, he and Remus made a couple. They were going out, excusive,  _dating._  'We're dating!' Sirius exclaimed ecstatically in confirmation, eyes lighting up merrily and face breaking into a wide grin. 'And he's the fucking most brilliantly gorgeous person I've ever met! Don't you think so, Fay?' He looked at Fabian who seemed to be having an aneurism on his broom. 'You should hear him speak, Fay, he's so sexy, I feel like I'm melting every time he so much as looks at me. But-' Sirius's face fell instantly, his expression changing from happy to sad so quickly, it looked like a personality disorder. 'But he couldn't come today. Had to visit his mother apparently. Hmph, doesn't even spare me some time. I'm only asking for his constant, undivided attention. It's not that hard to give.'

Fabian's aneurism seemed to be bordering on mortally fatal, as he looked from Sirius to the pitch where there seemed to be a lone figure leaning against the stands, wearing a deep blue overcoat and white scarf around his neck. 'You might want to look again, Black. He's standing right there,' Fabian pointed out helpfully.

Sirius's smile was almost manic, as he whipped around to look at Lupin and started waving like there was no tomorrow. 'You came!' he screamed excitedly for the whole pitch to hear, many heads whipping around to see what the commotion was about. Sirius, unheeding to all the attention, whooped for joy and did an impressive little flip over trick with his broom. 'Jamie, look! He actually came to watch me play! My lovely Apple Pie came!'

_'Black, this isn't the time to think about dessert!'_

'Remus, my love!' Sirius yelled, ignoring his teammate's yells and Fabian's state of frightened shock. 'I'm here, Darling!' Sirius did an airborne cartwheel and upside down flip that could have put professional artistes to shame.

' _Black, what the fuck are you doing, you stupid git!'_

'Do you think he noticed me?' Sirius asked, turning towards Fabian with a goofy grin that threatened to fall of his face. 'You can't see very clearly from down there, can you?'

'I think everyone noticed you,' Fabian replied, looking quite horrified though Sirius couldn't tell why. 'You were screaming loud enough for – Merlin, watch out!' Fabian cried.

Sirius only had the time to turn and register that there was a rather large and solid Bludger hurtling towards his head at an alarming speed. 'Fuck,' Sirius was about to say, but unfortunately, the Bludger didn't feel like sparing time for obscenities and knocked him in the head and clear off his broom. Sirius was seen plummeting down towards the ground in breakneck speed.

 _'Oi, someone cast a cushioning charm for that falling idiot over there! I told everyone to fucking focus, not do circus tricks like a bleeding fool!'_ James punched the air angrily and dove for the ground, watching Sirius land comfortably into Lupin's cushioning charm. 'Damn it, he's such a fucking idiot, honestly.' James dismounted and gathered with the rest of his team around Sirius, who was moaning in pain in an utterly disgraceful fashion. 'Potts, how bad is it?'

Wendy Potts, one of James's prized Chasers was checking Sirius's head for serious injuries. She looked worried almost and James felt his irritation rise again at Sirius's carelessness. 'He's bleeding, James. That Bludger hit him pretty hard. We should get him checked at the Infirmary.'

James noticed that Lupin had joined their little circle, finishing the last of his cigarette calmly before putting it out under his shoe. The boy's attitude was very blasé, but James could make out dark bags of weariness underneath Lupin's eyes - as if he'd been missing out on several days' worth of sleep. There were tired lines around his mouth, and as he kneeled down beside Potts, James could see that Lupin was having difficulty with his leg again.

'He's too heavy to carry,' Wendy Potts suggested, as she lifted Sirius's head up gently so that Lupin would tightly wrap his scarf around the wound. The white quickly stained with red, spreading all around the back. 'We can levitate him there…'

At the mention of 'levitate', Sirius let out a loud, mournful moan. 'No,' he cried, clutching at Potts's knees in a desperate plea. 'No, don't! I'm scared of heights!'

James thought it was important mention that Sirius had ' _spent an entire fucking hour on a broom, you bloody git!'_

'No!' Sirius sobbed deliriously, now clutching Pott's robes, pulling so hard that everyone got a view of exactly what colour bra she was wearing today. 'No, I don't want to fly! I'll die up there! Mummy! I'm not going! You can't make me! Mum, save me!'

James groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead. 'Merlin's balls, he's crying for his mother. He must have hit his head harder than I thought!' James heaved a resigned sigh as Sirius kept on blubbering and moaning about how there were scary dragons in the sky. 'Alright, the rest of you continue practice, and Lupin and I can take this sorry lump to Pomfrey. '

Wilfred Higgs (Keeper and downright pain) snorted disdainfully. 'Like Lupin hasn't caused enough trouble already. You really have it in for Quidditch players, don't you, you little shite?'

'Higgs, if you can't watch your fucking mouth, I suggest you get out,' James shot back, already angry at Sirius and not in any mood for foul mouthing. 'Orton's not captain anymore, so I won't stand for any discrimination or fucking disrespect on my team. Am I clear?'

Higgs blinked in astonishment.

James walked up to Wilfred, practically spitting in his face as repeated himself, 'Am I clear, Higgs?' James knew everyone was staring at him in panicked silence. He wasn't the kind to usually lash out or lose his temper with other people. James Potter was funny, laidback, and sometimes obsessive about Quidditch and Lily Evans; but he was never a hothead. That was usually Sirius's forte, but James was quite frankly, tired of hearing unnecessary insults being shot towards Lupin.

'I need a hand, Potter.' Lupin's voice broke through the tense silence, and all of them turned to see Lupin with Sirius's arm across his shoulders, supporting him so easily that Lupin was only a step away from pretty much carrying Sirius. He didn't look like he needed a hand at all, if James were to be honest.

' _My head hurts…_ '

Sirius's whining broke James out of his reverie and with a final glare at Higgs, he joined Lupin in his noble cause of transporting a whining Sirius to the Infirmary. 'Look, mate, I'm sorry about that.' James apologised, once he and Remus had managed to carry Sirius off the pitch. 'Higgs has always been a bit of a bastard. You shouldn't listen to him.' If James was expecting Lupin to say thank you, or even express his gratitude in someway, he was sadly mistaken.

 _'_ That tree is staring at me funny, Jamie,' Sirius complained from between the two of them. 'Make it stop. It's creepy! Make it stop!'

'Sirius, there aren't any trees here. We're in the castle.'

'There is!' Sirius insisted, struggling against their hold. He looked at James, his expression first pleading and desperate, then changing to confused and curious. 'Jamie, there's a gold crown on your head,' Sirius stated with all seriousness and then burst out giggling. 'You look like the Queen.'

James rolled his eyes. 'You're the only queen here, you bastard.'

Sirius frowned. 'That's right. I am,' he confirmed, and then promptly broke into song. ' _God save our gracious Queen. Long live our noble Queen.  
God save the Queen.'_

'Oh Merlin.'

'He has quite the singing voice,' Remus commented, not so much as cringing when Sirius rested his head against his and continued to sing the national anthem in the highest volume imaginable.

' _Frustrate their knavish tricks…'_

James plugged his ear with his free hand. His left ear might have been permanently damaged, but there was still hope left for his right. Left for his right. James sniggered and then quickly stopped himself when he realised he was acting a bit too much like Sirius. 'You're lucky you don't share dorms with him. He gets like this when he's drunk all the time.'

_Thy choicest gifts in store; on her be pleased to pour._

'Does he crack his head open every time he's drunk as well?' Lupin was about to make another snarky comment, when one of his eyebrows cocked in disbelief and he looked at Sirius as if he were surveying a particularly exasperating and dim two year old. 'Black, your hand is on my arse.'

Sirius grinned, going slightly cross eyed and tilting dangerously forward. 'And what a fine arse it is, Darling. Very proportionate on both sides.' He gave the 'very proportionate sides' of Remus hindquarters a squeeze each. 'Shh…don't tell anyone, but James was born with his right cheek bigger than his left,' Sirius whispered so loudly that it echoed all the way up the staircase.

James fought against the rising flush of embarrassment. 'You're lucky you're bleeding your brain out now, mate, or I would have smashed your head in by now.'

Sirius's lower lip trembled, looking as if he was about to cry. 'You're so horrible!" he cried melodramatically, his expression so pathetic that he was only short of a few crocodile tears. 'I hate you! We're not brothers anymore!' Sirius dislodged from James's grip and forcefully flung himself into Lupin's arms, causing the boy to nearly overbalance. 'I love you, my darling Fruit Cake. You and you alone. We'll run away together into the hills and get married like in those Muggle movies.'

'Remind me to book a dress for the occasion,' Remus deadpanned, adjusting Sirius's weight carefully and then flinging him over his shoulder like a rag doll. James's jaw nearly touched the ground. Lupin was carrying a boy at least twice his weight and making it look effortless, like a walk in the park or baking a cake and those other truly easy things that even fools can do.

'Sirius, get off. You're going to kill Lupin like this,' James urged in a worried tone, trying to get Sirius to focus and pull him down at the same time. 'Honestly, who knew a Bludger to the head could get him this delusional. Sirius!'

'It's fine,' Remus said shortly. 'We're nearly there.'

'Jamie, everything's upside down!' Sirius supplied gleefully, his feud with James apparently forgotten. 'Look, I've even got full view of Remus's arse! It's so pretty…'

'Lupin, you're going to break something like that!" James insisted. 'Just let Sirius down. We'll take him together. There's no need to indulge in him like that!'

'It's fine,' Remus repeated, and James noticed that one of his legs were shaking under the pressure. The same leg that gave him that damn limp.

'Remus Lupin! I told you not to put stress on that arm! I can't believe…' Madam Pomfrey came rushing towards them once they'd entered, fussing over all of three and starting on her usual tirade that James had long learned to tune out. Something about how horrible Quidditch was, and how Lupin had injured himself badly last night and shouldn't be using that arm for another two hours, and how careless students were nowadays about their health. It was pretty much the same speech most of them heard, give or take a few modifications. It didn't really occur to James to ask about the arm – he was so focused on Lupin's leg and how Remus had to sit on the bed for ten whole minutes before it stopped trembling.

'Well, Mr. Black's going to be fine now,' Pomfrey concluded after a thorough check up of all of them and a last adjustment to Lupin's arm. 'Just make him drink some of that green potion over there. It'll give him a good kick start.'

'So will I, once he's sober,' James muttered, looking at the green bubbling liquid that the Matron had shoved into his hands before hurrying to tend to her other patients. 'Looks vile,' he commented, feeling himself go green at the smell of rotten eggs emanating from the bottle. 'Glad I don't have to drink it.' He quickly poured the liquid down Sirius's throat, moving away slightly in case Sirius started vomiting.

Sirius's cloudy grey eyes sharpened almost immediately, before he went into a coughing fit, cringing from the aftertaste of potion in his mouth. 'Ow…' he groaned, rubbing his head gingerly. 'Fucking ow…it's like a bloody hangover…'

'Well, try not to get sodding hit next time,' James griped, bending down to place the empty vial back in the lower cabinets where he'd seen Pomfrey take it from. 'I'll ban Lupin from the field if I see that happening again. I mean it, Sirius, I'll-'

'Do straighten up, Potter,' Remus interrupted from the bed behind him. 'Your arse  _is_ a bit crooked.'

Sirius burst out laughing

 


	3. Going Out With Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_Remus Lupin was like a winter breeze. That's what James had concluded after the first week of truly knowing and not really knowing Remus Lupin. By The end of the second week, James was proud to add another observation to his practically empty list._ _**Remus Lupin never smiled.** _ _Now, James isn't known too well for his observation skills. He knew the people he cared for, of course. He knew Sirius and he knew Peter, and he even knew Evans though he couldn't quite fit his knowledge into wooing her for some reason. But otherwise, James never paid much attention to anyone else to see what colour shoes they were wearing or if they'd gotten a haircut recently. So noticing that Remus Lupin never smiled was quite a feat by itself. He wouldn't even have noticed it if he hadn't told_ _**the** _ _joke. The joke that involved Quaffles and Flobberworms and twelve horny banshees; the joke that James ritualistically told every year with a few added variations, and always managed to earn a laugh no matter what. It was the joke of the century._

_And Remus Lupin hadn't so much as cracked a smile during James's fantastic joke telling._

_It was after that incident that James started noticing that Lupin didn't smile_ _**at all.** _ _He wasn't grumpy or frowning all the time, but he wasn't smiling either. In fact, he never smiled when saying thank you, and he never smiled when he earned fifty points from McGonagall for doing a particularly hard spell right, and he definitely did not smile when Sirius brought him a large piece of chocolate cake from dinner, though he did offer to share it with the three of them._

_It was a national crisis, James decided, but nothing Sirius couldn't solve. Because Sirius was prankster extraordinaire and his over enthusiasm and silly tricks always got people laughing. Remus Lupin never smiled, but after that much awaited date in Hogsmeade, James decided it wouldn't be too long before Sirius cracked the ice…_

'He fell asleep,' Sirius said softly, looking down at Remus.

Usually all of them always sat towards the end in all their classes, but due to Sirius's insistence (and unashamed whining), the boys had agreed to sit with Remus Lupin instead, somewhere towards the middle of the classroom. Needless to say, Remus hadn't shown the slightest hint of happiness or discontent. He had simply looked at the three Marauders, opened his notes and sat down on the only empty seat beside Sirius. He even dutifully ignored Sirius's whoop of joy and quick hug.

'Don't blame him,' James replied with a yawn, 'Binns has officially outdone himself today. Even Evans is drowsing.'

'He was really tired today,' Sirius said, affectionately brushing wayward hair from Remus's forehead. A couple of the girls beside them started whispering instantly, and Sirius sent them a cheeky wink in response, which sent them into a fit of giggles.

James rolled his eyes. 'I would be too if I had to carry a big lug like you all the way to the Hospital Wing yesterday.'

Sirius sighed dreamily, ignoring Peter's loud snores beside James. 'I was in his arms the entire time, Jamie-boy…how romantic.'

'Very, if you don't count the fact that you bled all over his good scarf, totally killed his already injured arm, and grabbed his arse in public,' James replied with a grin and a playful shove. 'You're a real charmer, Black. Wherever do you get it from?'

Sirius smacked James up the head. 'Shut up. At least my charm's working. I got him to come to the match, didn't I? Evans still can't stand you.'

James stuck his tounge out childishly. 'She loves me and you know it. It's just taking her a little time.'

Sirius didn't respond with his usual insult, opting to peer thoughtfully at Lupin's exposed cheek. He seemed to be obsessing over the beauty spot underneath Remus's eye – an odd fetish of Sirius' that he'd developed only recently. 'Do you happen to have some lipstick on you?'

James looked at Sirius incredulously. 'Do I look like a bloke who carries lipstick around? Take up your drag fantasies with someone else, mate. I'm not supporting you on this one.'

'I've got some lipstick if you like, Sirius,' Alice, the girl sitting in front of them turned and offered, giggling and blushing when Sirius gave her a gracious wink. James could practically hear Frank Longbottom's knuckles cracking – the two had only started dating and Frank seemed the protective kind.

'Alice, don't encourage them, for Merlin's sake,' Lily shot angrily from beside her, which only caused Alice to giggle even louder. 'They'll probably charm it to write lewd words on people's faces.'

'Good idea, Evans, but no,' Sirius stated, examining Alice's lipstick before setting to work on Lupin's face. All three of them watched with varying rages of worried expressions as Sirius carefully traced the lipstick across Remus's cheek in the shape of a pair of perfect lips. It could have been worse, James thought as the girls rolled their eyes and turned to the front again; James had fully expected Sirius to actually  _apply_  the waxy nonsense on himself or Merlin forbid, on Lupin.

'I don't get it,' James stated truthfully. He looked at Lupin closely, trying to figure out the joke in applying lipstick on a bloke's cheek while asleep, and found that Sirius's brand of humour was quite confusing (and nonsensical).

Sirius ignored him, disposing Alice's lipstick and leaning down closer, so that his forehead was resting against the top of Remus's head. 'He smells nice,' he commented idly, digging closer and nosing through Remus's hair, 'like soap and chocolate…and really, really,' Sirius inhaled deeply, ' _nice_ …'

James pretended to gag.

Sirius laid his head down in his arms so that he and Remus were face to face. 'He looks so sad…' He traced his thumb across Lupin's lips. 'Wonder why…'

'Maybe it's 'cause you're molesting him in his sleep.'

'He never smiles though…even when he's awake,' Sirius replied, the soft tone in his voice belying the swift kick he sent across James's shins. 'Wonder what he looks like with his lips turned up. Hm…' Screwing his eyes up in concentration, Sirius placed a finger on one of the corners of Remus's lips and pulled it gently upwards.

James snorted, trying hard to control his laughter. 'Changes his whole face, I must say. What about the other side? Pull that one up, too, or else he just looks silly…'

'Don't call my Lumpkin silly, and he's sleeping on that side,' Sirius replied, trying to squeeze his other index finger underneath Remus's squashed cheek. 'Wait…got it…there we go!' Sirius said triumphantly as his fingers held up a lopsided and disturbing smile on Remus's face. 'What do you think?'

'We could make it permanent,' James said slyly. 'Couple of charms or maybe some magic marker.' Sirius turned around and they exchanged mischievous grins. 'Mum says that if you make a face long enough, it turns permanent. You could have a smiling, cheery boyfriend for the rest of your life. What do you say?'

'I'd say you'd be lucky to be alive, nonetheless have a boyfriend,' Remus replied, slowly opening his eyes much to James and Sirius's mortification. As he straightened, James finally got the joke – Remus's hair was tousled from sleep, his usually neat clothes slightly crumpled and his collar turned roguishly upwards. There was a lipstick kiss on his right cheek.

He looked like Sirius after having drunk his way down the barrel – unknowingly kissed and completely disheveled.

The irony wasn't lost on James, as he tried to control his laughter.

Sirius's seemed in a similar position, allowing himself a light snort, before running a sheepish hand through his hair and smiling brightly under Lupin's intense gaze. 'Mornin', Sugar. Did you have a good nap?'

'No,' Remus replied moodily, straightening himself out. 'It's a bit difficult when my face is being used as putty.'

In their very first week, Sirius had come to James with a picture book from his Muggle Studies class and told James that Remus was a lot like that painting of Mona Lisa. The boy didn't quite frown even though he was clearly agitated, but he wasn't smiling either – like his lips were caught in some sort of weird limbo and decided to not emote at all. James didn't think Lupin had the tits to be Mona Lisa, and that Lupin wasn't caught in any sort of limbo, but was just being a grumpy bastard. Bah humbug, that would be a perfect catch phrase for Remus Lupin.

Unfortunately, "bah humbug" only gave Sirius an unspeakable urge to kiss Lupin, and James could tell that Sirius was thinking along those lines because his friend had been staring at Lupin's lips for an inappropriately long amount of time. So James smacked him soundly up the head and told him to stop being a perverse arse.

'Sorry,' Sirius apologised, not really meaning it. Not that it mattered, because Remus had decided not to pay attention to him anyway and was back to diligently writing his notes as if he'd never stopped. 'What happened to my baby's arm?' Sirius asked, obviously hating to be ignored.

The Matron had informed them that Lupin's arm would heal completely in a day or so, and nothing more despite their prying. Sirius still felt a bit guilty for having made an already injured arm even worse; James knew this even though Sirius hadn't come out and told him so. Sirius fingered Remus's bandaged arm lightly, drawing a sickening little heart before looking up at Remus and smiling cheerily.

'It broke,' Remus stated the obvious.

'How?' Sirius urged on, leaning invasively closer. 'Did someone hit you? Did you fall? I can't have my Little Dumpling getting hurt like that! You should have me by your side at all times to protect you!'

'I would,' Remus replied with a bored tone, 'if you could stay conscious for longer than fifteen minutes.'

James, unable to help himself any longer, burst out laughing. 'Bloody brilliant!' he cried between chuckles, clapping Remus on the back like they'd been best mates forever. Well, he figured since Remus and Sirius were dating now, they had to be mates by circumstance. 'I love this boy!' James cried, wiping a tear.

'Well, I love him more!' Sirius replied fiercely, his face suddenly bright red and a stray nerve throbbing across his temple. 'A whole lot more than you, so it's incomparable! Like loads and loads!' He huffed, shifting his seat possessively close to Remus's.

'Mr. Blue, please keep quiet during class.'

Sirius scowled, letting one possessive arm fall across Remus's shoulders. 'My Pumpkin likes me best,' he said, swiftly grabbing Remus by the shoulders and planting a kiss on his cheek. James had to stick his fist in his mouth to keep him from laughing out loud, when he saw that Sirius's earlier experiments with Alice's lipstick had transferred (in Sirius's jealousy) to Sirius's (currently) ruby red, and enhanced glossy lips.

Sirius haughtily ignored James, completely oblivious to the lipstick as he pouted his newly coloured lips (the look rather suited him, James thought – he'd be perfect in those nameless bars in London). There were whispers, giggles and girly chattering, and for some reason, even Lupin didn't bother informing Sirius about his slight lipstick mishap. In fact, Remus simply raised an eyebrow, wiped his cheek, and went back to taking notes. It was at that time James decided he rather liked Remus Lupin and his hidden streak of cynical mischief. Of course, James also realised half an hour later that liking Remus Lupin could earn him a salamander tail peeking out of his trousers, which was really not as funny.

* * *

_Now James didn't want to brag (though he secretly enjoyed it and categorised it as one of his favourite hobbies), but after the awakening of his third eye and fantastic observational skills, he was on quite a roll. In the same week of his amazing Lupin discovery, James found out one other thing about his best friend that he had never noticed in all fifteen years of their friendship:_

_Sirius was a needy, whiny bastard._

_Well, the bastard part wasn't that new, nor was the whiny bit, James had to admit. Sirius was both quite often, sometimes simultaneously. In fact, James first discovered this all the way back, when they were five years old. Sirius had cried and cried for an hour for James's mum's brownies, until she had finally felt sorry for him and made him two whole batches to take home. He never shared them, and later James even caught Sirius wiping away those tears with a grin on his face that said, 'Fooled you, you sentimental twats!'_

_So, yes, Sirius was a certified whiny bastard, but James had never seen him as a needy bastard until that particular day in the dormitory, when he found Sirius sitting desolately in front of the mirror, for once, not singing praises about his dashing good looks._

James entered the dormitory to find Sirius sitting on the floor in front of the mirror and sporting an impressive sulk; his long hair tied into two ponytails that had him looking an awful lot like a school girl on an overdose of testosterone. James knew that his best friend was going to go into his rant/whiny mode the minute he saw Sirius pout in dissatisfaction. So he hastily took off his shoes and socks and tried to tip toe to his bed, praying to Merlin Sirius was too immersed in his brooding to notice him.

'Jaaammmmeess!'

James cursed his fate and any other objects lying around in the dormitory, particularly Peter's purple socks.

'I think there's something wonky about my nose!' Sirius moaned, clutching said nose in despair. 'It must be too long. I think it gets in the way!'

James didn't even want to know what Sirius' nose got in the way of. 'It's fine, Sirius,' James replied, hoping his friend wouldn't pursue the subject as he dumped his bag on his bed.

'Maybe it's my eyes then!' Sirius despaired. 'Maybe I've been cross-eyed all my life and no one's ever told me!'

James glared accusingly at his pillow as if everything to do with Sirius was its fault. That dark spot at the top looked suspiciously guilty. 'Sirius, there is nothing wrong with you. Not physically at least.'

'But I'm smart too!' Sirius spoke up indignantly. 'I get top notch marks in all our subjects and play the best pranks ever and I play Quidditch! I'm _perfect_!'

James rolled his eyes.

'So why won't Remus kiss me?' Sirius moaned, falling on his back and curling on himself in anguish. 'What is so unappealing about me that he won't kiss me?' Sirius made a grieving noise at the back of his throat and looked up at James with glittering grey eyes. 'It's driving me starkers, James! Why won't he kiss me? Doesn't he know how fucking horny he makes me? I'll get Carpel Tunnel if I don't get some help soon down there!'

James banged his head against the head post. Repeatedly. 'Sirius, remember that list we made of things we never spoke about? Please add this into it.'

'We kissed before!' Sirius whined on, completely ignoring James's torment. 'On the train! He kissed me then, so he should want to do it again, right?' His eyes suddenly widened in horror. 'James, what if I'm no good? What if that girl from last year…Amanda or Aria…or whatever…what if she didn't kiss like a fish, but I did! James, what if he thinks I'm horrid at it and never wants to kiss me again!'

James wanted to point out that squid were not essentially fish, but was too busy trying to give himself a concussion. The self inflicted torture on his head came to a merciful end when Peter interrupted their unnecessary discussion with unsurprisingly more unnecessary advice: 'You could try and kiss him instead,' Peter supplied helpfully, dumping his own bag on his bed. 'It would cut the wait short.'

'Brilliant! 'Why don't  _I_  kiss  _him_?' Sirius exclaimed sarcastically, throwing his hands up in the air. 'You git, Peter, you think I haven't tried already? He's always doing something or the other, like studying or reading or off someplace no one else knows. How am I supposed to kiss him like that?'

James and Peter shared very disturbed looks. 'Er…you could ask?' Peter offered hesitantly.

Sirius looked at the two of them like they'd grown extra heads. 'I could ask? It's no wonder you two are single! I need a romantic atmosphere! We should be leaning towards each other, there should be fireworks and candles and stars and…and… _red_!'

'Red?'

'Red,' Sirius stated firmly, arms crossed in front of his chest. 'But in a manly sort of way. I think that should be the theme of our first date, yeah?'

Years of experience told James that when Sirius looked like he was asking a question or seeking confirmation, he actually wasn't. He was simply stating his plans and forcing you to accept it, regardless of whether it sounded sane to you or not. Unfortunately, years of experience taught Peter nothing, and in a bid to be exceedingly wise and helpful, he ignored James's furious head shaking and ploughed on with some more love-related advice:

'Shouldn't you be asking Lupin what  _he_  likes instead?'

James groaned, already feeling the first tremors of an upcoming earthquake.

'I mean, that's what girls like,' Peter reasoned, as oblivious as ever. 'Like when James was dating that blond bird…she liked flowers…didn't she? And the other one…Maddy…she liked going to Madam Puddifoots because the atmosphere's nicer or something.'

James stared apprehensively at Sirius's face - red and growing redder- and hid his head under his guilty pillow (because everything was always its fault) to avoid further brain damage.

'You know, Pete, I think you might have a point.'

James's head shot up so fast, he hit the bedpost. All worries of brain damage were reinforced; James was confident he'd either gone nuts or was having a very well deserved dream because Sirius had just  _agreed_  to  _Peter's_ suggestion.

"I mean, I have to make a good first impression and…' Sirius strung out with a devilish grin, 'it'll be a perfect way to coax that kiss out of him. I'll put in all his favourite things into the most perfect date you've ever seen, and he'll fall so madly in love with me that he won't be able to get his hands off me!' Sirius let out a cry of triumph, bouncing off the bed and grabbing his relatively empty Transfiguration notebook and overused quill. 'Let's head down to the Common Room and ask him what he likes, shall we?'

'Why do I have to go, too?' James asked, already deciding that he wasn't about to give into Sirius's madness and ridiculous Lupin phase. He'd already gotten Sirius the date; he no longer had any obligation whatsoever. 'I'm not helping you this time! I'm not the one dating him!'

Sirius raised an eyebrow. 'James: let me refresh your memory. May twenty-fourth. Lily Evans. Pain. And your privates. In purple polka dots.'

James felt the blood drain from his face. 'C-Common Room, did you say? Why are we standing here and wasting time?'

The Common Room during the evenings was always crowded, and it took some time for the Marauders to find Remus Lupin who seemed intent on disappearing into the shadows. In fact, the boy had gone through the lengths of pulling one of the couches towards the far end of the room, and was quietly doing what James assumed was his homework with his feet up and tucked casually beneath him. In fact, hadn't it been for Sirius's over enthusiastic yelling of 'Babycakes' and 'Honeybuns', James would have completely overlooked Lupin for the range of more colourful and animate people.

'Sweetheart, what's your favourite colour?' Sirius asked, settling down on the arm of Lupin's couch while James and Peter were left to conjure their own seats beside the boy.

'Black,' Lupin replied without looking up. James noticed a rather large chocolate bar resting on top of Lupin's Arithmancy notebook, and thought that the boy was abnormally depressing for someone who had this much sugar on a regular basis.

Sirius blushed and giggled.' He's such a flirt,' he told James, before swooping down to kiss Lupin underneath his right eye, exactly on the beauty spot.

Lupin, to his credit, seemed very unconcerned about Sirius's loud and intrusive flirting. He simply wiped his face where Sirius had kissed him and continued to write his complicated runes and constellations.

'What about flowers? Do you like flowers?' Sirius asked, opening his notebook. It was a historic moment for James and Peter, who had never seen Sirius's face contorted with rapt attention in combination with note taking. 'Try specifying a type…'

'The kind with thorns,' Remus replied and James found it very hard to judge from his tone if he was being serious or simply joking.

'That's roses, right?' Sirius asked, tapping his quill on his knee. 'Do any other flowers have thorns? What about your favourite song? Favourite movie? Do you like to dance? What's your favourite food? Have you ever gotten high? Come on, Pet, don't be shy.' Sirius snorted. 'Heh, that rhymed,' he pointed out, before deciding a tune would make his poetry more colourful and broke into song.

Remus looked up at James, who shot him a sheepish smile and a look that said, ' _I'm sorry he's such an idiot, but please humour him. Or else I might have to kill myself. '_

Lupin sighed and shot an imperceptible nod towards James. 'Why are you asking me these questions, Black?' he asked, dull amber eyes eerily managing to look at both Sirius and his homework. 'Put that quill down. They're hardly worth writing novels over.'

Sirius glanced up from his note taking and pouted. 'But, babes, I want to get to know you better.'

Lupin frowned. 'Why would you want to know me?' Remus asked and even James had to look at him in disbelief, because he was sure Lupin wasn't being cynical. Lupin actually  _meant_ to ask the question, like he honestly didn't understand Sirius's motive. James was sure even Peter was gaping in incredulity beside him. It was much like when Lupin had asked James why he was helping Sirius – just one of those things you did that you never really questioned, but when done so, didn't really have an answer to.

Sirius blinked rapidly, cocking his head to the side, much like a dog trying to figure out why his owner didn't want to play fetch and just throw the bleeding stick for him.  _Are you off your rockers, you stupid nance?_  his expression clearly said, but Sirius's words were kinder if not slightly condescending, 'I fancy you, you dolt.' The harsh tone in his voice disappeared quickly, however, and he immediately went back to his goofy grin, winding an arm around Remus's shoulders. 'Anyway, you never told me what your favourite band is. Do you like muggle music as well? You're half-blood, aren't you? I wish I was…'

James sighed heavily and looked at Peter. He knew that both of them were thinking along the same lines:  _what in fuck's name was wrong with Remus Lupin brain and why?_

* * *

_Now, as mentioned beforehand, James was on quite a roll with discoveries. He made two, after all, within just a small span of two weeks. It wasn't as though James was_ _**trying** _ _to figure the two of them out, it wasn't like he was spying and watching their every move. He was too busy ogling at Lily Evans to have that kind of time anyway. What he did, on the other hand, was look out for any trouble or signs of potential messes. Unfortunately for James, by Hogsmeade weekend, he wasn't exactly sure_ _**who** _ _he was looking out for. Sirius, his brother in arms, practically family member, and fellow mischief maker? Or Remus, the boy he hardly knew and rarely ever understood, despite admiring his witty sense of humour? It didn't matter anyway, James concluded, because he was a leader; the man everyone looked to when they needed help or advice. So, on the day of Sirius's first Hogsmeade date, James helpfully advised him to, 'be anything but himself, for Merlin's sake. He finds you irritating already.'_

_In the moment, Peter had also kindly supplied that 'Sirius's arse looked fat in those jeans and his shirt made his nipples look like conkers.'_

_James also didn't think a bottle's worth of cologne and two strands of hair poking out of Sirius's chin were also going to make Sirius any manlier. This said, James was about to join Peter in their hysterical bout of laughter, when he noticed his best friend's red face and almost self conscious gaze towards the mirror. 'Oh,' James had said in realisation that Sirius was actually making an effort to look good._

_Thus came James's accidental discovery and insightful observation number three. Sirius Black really liked Remus Lupin. As in_ _**liked.** _ _Liked in the way Peter did with his breakfast routine of hash browns and soldiers. Liked in the way James did whenever he saw Lily Evans's bend to pick up a pencil. Like in the way Filch did with Mrs Norris, his beloved cat. All right, perhaps not that sort of liked, but James knew that Sirius's like wasn't just the normal kind of like, but there was a significant 'like' in his like for Remus and it was very akin to the like these people felt for their current likes._

_So yes, at some point in their first two weeks in Hogwarts, Sirius had gone from wanting a boyfriend to actually caring for the boyfriend he already had but barely knew. All morning, Sirius had fussed over his shoes, his clothes, his hair – not because he was vain and a total, needy idiot. Well, maybe just a little, but mostly Sirius truly wanted to make this work and put up a good impression. This discovery, unlike the previous ones, was considered a breakthrough. In fact, James ranked it numero uno, along with the discovery that Peter could actually fart Somewhere Over the Rainbow in perfect harmony and Lily Evans slept without a bra. Given its phenomenal significance, James decided to stop the teasing, hit Peter on the head because he was still teasing, and then pat Sirius apologetically on the back for teasing._

' _You'll be fine, mate,' James had said reassuringly, because it was the only thing he could say without sounding like a total girl's blouse. As repentance, James even magically braided Sirius's hair for him. It was important, after all, that Sirius's first date went well…_

'You look nice,' Sirius said sincerely, as Remus caught up with them in the line to Hogsmeade.

It wasn't the first time Sirius was seeing him in muggle clothing, but it was definitely the first time Remus was in  _colour -_  a nice green jumper vest, that reminded Sirius of the apples in Mrs. Potter's garden, over a crisp white oxford. He was also wearing a jet black overcoat and scarf to ward off the cold, but what truly had Sirius nearly suffering from a nosebleed the minute he saw Remus was the black fedora. It was too sexy for words and Sirius's dirty mind effectively conjured up nude images of Remus with nothing n but that lovely hat. The dark trousers were still there though, and Sirius wondered if he could somehow convince Remus to wear jeans for once, just to get a good glimpse of that delectable arse.

'I got you flowers…er… _flower_ ,' Sirius said, shoving said flower in front of Remus's face. 'Careful though…it still has thorns…I only managed to get one. Sorry. Did you know that the roses in our greenhouses, bloody vicious little buggers, actually attack people?'

'I knew,' Remus replied casually, taking the flower from Sirius, 'They also eat human flesh on occasion.' He took his wand out of his pocket and before Sirius could protest, healed the myriad of cuts on Sirius's hands with a quick swish.

'Thanks,' Sirius muttered sheepishly, tucking his hands inside his pockets and following the line outside. 'Should I have gotten chocolates, too? You seemed to have a lot of it, so I thought you might not want any. But if you like, we could go to Honeydukes first?'

'It's fine,' Remus assured, tucking one hand into his pocket while the other (much to Sirius's delight) still held on to the rose.

Sirius bit his lip, watching Remus through the corner of his eyes. 'Can I see your left hand?' At Remus's questioning look, Sirius did a little jiggle and shrug. 'You know, Divination practice…' he offered weakly, 'I want to see how compatible we are…and if our love lines match…?'

Remus held out his hand for inspection. 'Mars is unusually bright and I'm going to die from Flobberworm ingestion and severe diarrhea.' He looked at Sirius, eyes twinkling slightly in the sun as he said it. 'I took Divination for a semester.'

'Actually, your hand says something completely different,' Sirius corrected slyly, looking closely at Remus's palm and humming thoughtfully. 'Says here, you will be swept off by a lovely dark haired man, who is very handsome, mind you. And…' Sirius shifted his hand, so that they were palm to palm, and entwined their fingers together. Remus's hand was warm in his, a heavy and reassuring weight. 'It also says that we look like the perfect romantic couple on their very first  _date._ '

Colourful fireworks erupted around them, making the few people around them cry out in shock. A particularly red one even dashed up a Ravenclaw girl's skirt, making her scream shrilly. Unabashedly, Sirius grinned, enjoying the look of surprise on Remus's face. Well, it wasn't as much as a look as just rapid blinking of his eyes, but Sirius reveled in the reaction nonetheless.

'James and I charmed them for every time we say the word,  _date_.' He sniggered as another batch of fireworks set off around them, managing to grab a few spectators along the way and also managing to scare a few away. 'Brilliant, innit?' Sirius exclaimed, beaming at his achievement and decided saying ' _date'_ one more time would be a good way to go about the festivities. There were bigger explosions in his gut just from being with Remus; all in manly red and bright yellow, joy and excitement, and a desperate, unspeakable longing. Unfortunately, those were the biggest fireworks they could find in Zonkos, so Sirius had to settle for mediocre grandeur.

'It's good spellwork,' Remus agreed, after getting a hold of himself and going back to his mostly neutral expression. Sirius noticed that Remus had gotten slightly closer during the whole firework display, so that their entwined hands were now brushing against their coats as they walked. If he had wings, Sirius would be flying with the Hippogriffs right now.

It  _had_  been very complicated spellwork, and James had been hesitant about helping Sirius out. Something about overdoing it on the very first date and scaring Lupin away for a lifetime – Sirius didn't quite understand the details since he was too busy grooming his hair to look perfect for the special day. James was full of rubbish anyway.

'Wotcher, Rosmerta!' Sirius called out to the barmaid as they entered The Three Broomsticks. A few heads turned towards them and Sirius could feel them staring at his and Remus's clasped hands. He didn't let go, however, keeping a steadily tight grip on Remus's hand and giving everyone a mischievous smile until they looked away, shaking their heads in exasperation and endearment. There was nothing Sirius couldn't get away with.

'The usual, Sirius? Where are your friends?' Rosmerta asked, preparing Sirius's usual keg of butterbeer even as she spoke.

'They're around,' Sirius replied idly, leading Remus to one of the seats in the corner to ensure some privacy, lest Sirius managed to get Remus in the _mood_. Ahem. He courteously pulled out a chair for Remus, who looked at him oddly and moved to the seat beside it. 'I got rid of them for the day, so that my Sunshine and I can spend the day alone together.'

'Sunshine? Oh?' Rosmerta looked at their joint hands and cast a sympathetic glance at Remus, as she set their drinks down. 'I've never seen you around before. I gather it's your first date, then?'

Fireworks exploded all over the room.

'Are we  _that_  obvious?' Remus asked sarcastically, resting his chin on his hand and sighing.

The date went quite well, thought Sirius. Once they'd managed to fix all the tables and bring back Rosmerta to consciousness, things had gone quite smoothly. No one had mentioned the word, d-a-t-e, and everyone had given them ample space in case Sirius had other insane things planned up his sleeve. They talked for two whole hours; well, Sirius talked and Remus made an occasional witty comment that would send Sirius to hysterics. Sirius wasn't even sure if Remus meant for him to laugh but by the end of it, there was no controlling the rising bubble of mirth in Sirius's chest or the tears that pooled around his eyes from laughing so hard. Sirius wasn't quite sure, but he thought that Remus's face looked less expressionless that usual…

Later, they went to Honeydukes where Sirius promptly tried to lay his jacket on a small puddle of water in front of the entrance. Luckily for his expensive leather jacket, Remus grabbed his hand tightly and roughly whispered: ' _I haven't grown tits yet_ _, Black'_  and  _'put that jacket back on'._ Sirius conceded of course, but only because his sick, twisted mind had started putting Remus's raspy-rough voice in the most inappropriate situations – none of which involved any tits whatsoever. It didn't help that somehow Remus hadn't let go of Sirius's hand till then; or maybe it was the other way around. Sirius was too dazed to tell. So dazed, that when he leaned down for a kiss (it was  _the_ moment, he thought), Sirius's lips ended up somehow attached to the door frame. It took forty five minutes to free Sirius's tounge from the ice, during which everyone had to enter and exit the shop through the window. Poor Marlene McKinnon, who was quite er…heavy for her age, got stuck halfway through and was denied any chocolate until Sirius's tounge problem got fixed.

They'd even ventured to the Owl Post Office, just for the heck of it and because Remus seemed very reluctant to visit the Shrieking Shack though Sirius couldn't figure out why. He tried insisting and pleading and whining, but then Remus's hand somehow drifted underneath Sirius's t-shirt and moved so enticingly, that Sirius was left a blubbering mess of 'yes, Poppet' and  _'oh Merlin, oh Merlin, please kiss me now, now, now!'_ Of course, he didn't voice the latter. He didn't want to appear  _too_  needy or get his tounge stuck on any more doors. It had been fun nonetheless, especially when Sirius discovered that a lot of the owls had a particular affinity towards Remus and sought him out to be petted.

'You're like that Muggle musical we saw in class!' Sirius exclaimed as he and Remus stroked a particularly large and majestic owl, their fingers occasionally brushing together intimately. 'Like Dr. Dolittle! He could talk to animals and everything! What do you think this bird's saying?'

'Get your hand off my crotch,' Remus deadpanned, and Sirius nearly fell to the poop covered floor, laughing.

Later, they were told to kindly leave by the owner, when some of the younger owls started fighting amongst each other to get Remus's attention. Sirius joked that they thought Remus as their 'mummy'.

It was definitely one of the best dates Sirius had ever been to, which wasn't saying a lot since he'd only ever been to a few. But being with Remus wasn't so much as being on a date than just being with a friend and having a good time. It was easy to talk to him because Remus didn't seem to judge every word he spoke, or expect silly compliments of him, like how his neck was a long as a bamboo tree and his nose was as straight as a carrot. Which was why by the end of the day, Sirius didn't feel like going back to the dormitory with the rest of the school.

'Let's stay for a while,' Sirius whispered into Remus's ear, steering the both of them away from the crowd of students all going back to the castle. 'We can go back later…I know a secret passageway that leads directly to the castle.'

Sirius shivered a little under Remus's intense gaze and wondered if this was the right time to lean in for a kiss again: there, among the entire Hogwarts population. He was going to follow up his idea when Remus turned away to look at the silhouette of the castle under the setting sun and Sirius was left smooching the air, his lips ready and pouted. Well, at least it was the air and not a door this time.

'Come on. There's this cave that's got a great view of the sunset.' Sirius tugged at Remus's hand and then took off in a run, pulling a stumbling Remus along with him. 'If we're lucky, we won't get caught.' They trekked up the mountain, both of them kicking up dirt and sending small pebbles rolling down in their haste. 'And if we do get caught, then the detention can be considered our second date!' Sirius smiled at Remus, who had caught up with Sirius surprisingly easily and was now running side by side with him. 'James and I found this cave last year; it's an excellent place to stock Firewhisky and fags. McGonagall would never look here!'

'I'm a prefect,' Remus replied, skidding to a stop as they reached the mouth of the cave.

'Yeah, but you're also my boyfriend. So you can't rat me out,' Sirius reasoned with a cheeky grin. ' _Accio cigarettes!_ ' Sirius caught the packet of smokes before it flew too far and promptly popped one into his mouth. 'We missed the sunset though. I was hoping we could watch it together...for the sake of being romantic and all…'

Remus sat down, his legs spread out neatly in front of him and slightly bent at the knees. 'I like the stars,' he said softly, leaning back on his hands to look up at the sky. It was the first time Remus had said something that wasn't a sarcastic comment. It was small, but it was the only part of Remus that had been revealed without Sirius having to coax it out forcefully, so Sirius stored it away in the back of his mind as precious memory.

Sirius stared at Remus's profile for a long time, sitting there in uncharacteristic silence and smoking his cigarette. In the moonlight, Remus's beauty seemed almost untouchable, making Sirius's heart beat a little faster and his breath come out loud and shallow. He really wanted this, really wanted to kiss Remus and mean it.

He hadn't been sure of it at first; when James had suggested Sirius date Remus, he hadn't expected much to happen. The only reason Sirius had agreed was because he had been sick and tired of being alone, of having no one to understand him or listen to him. Sirius knew that even James didn't take him seriously most of the time; he still insisted Sirius was going through a phase, after all. Sirius hadn't expected much out of the idea when he'd started out, nothing except perhaps a little bit of fun. Even after Sirius had first met Remus on the train, it was the excitement of meeting someone so dangerous and beautiful that spurred him on. Then, he'd only wanted a bit of snogging and maybe his first shag. But now…

'That's me over there,' Sirius pointed out, blowing a puff of smoke through his nostrils. 'Do you see? The brightest star there is. Brilliant, innit?' He closed his eyes, feeling at peace and very sleepy all of a sudden. 'I plan to buy a bike someday, charm it to fly and then pierce my ears just to piss off my mum, you know. We can go on it together real high, so that we can look down upon those bleeding stars instead of the other way around. Wouldn't that be great?'

Sirius felt a warm hand rest against his cheek, and he opened his eyes to see Remus gazing down at him with soft, mystical amber eyes. Before Sirius could even ask, Remus leaned down to place a soft, almost gentle kiss against Sirius's lips. It wasn't as passionate as the first, but the kiss left Sirius slightly dizzy and wanting more, as he wound his fingers in Remus's hair and pulled him closer.  _Fuck, oh fucking Merlin, finally!_  There was a slight flicker of tounge across his lips and Sirius responded breathlessly, only to have Remus pull back.

'Fuck,' Sirius whispered, touching his lips and staring with awe at Remus who was now smoking the same cigarette that had been dangling from Sirius's lips seconds ago. 'Fuck.' The smoke swirled above their heads before slowly fading away and leaving Sirius with the magnificent sight of Remus's kiss wet lips. 'Was I alright? I mean…the kiss wasn't awful, yeah?'

Remus took one last drag and stubbed the cigarette on the ground. 'You could do with a little practice.'

Sirius did a shining impression of a fish, before noticing the slight glimmer in Remus's amber eyes. 'You bastard, you were having me on!' He pulled Remus roughly by the collar, so that they were face to face, noses brushing. 'Best bloody date ever,' he whispered huskily, bringing Remus into another kiss even as the last of the fireworks shot out into the open sky in a flurry of deep red and gold.

_Remus, I think I'm really falling for you._


	4. Knowing Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_Now, according to Sirius, James's list for Remus Lupin was entirely incorrect (and a tad bit obsessive too, so Sirius would have to keep a close eye on his best friend, just in case). In fact, by mid October, Sirius had declared James's list obsolete and decided to take matters into his own hands. The key to the perfect list, you understand, was to first figure out Remus Lupin himself and no one was a better candidate for the task than Sirius Black. As boyfriend and designated lover, understanding and knowing Remus Lupin was more of an innate talent than a task. He was born to understand Remus-speak, which was a whole brand of English by itself and not in the way that different countries spoke English but in the way different species spoke –period. This of course would be better explained if Sirius were to give examples (because everyone knows that no essay…er…list…is valid or complete without examples)._

_Ahem._

_For example, whenever Sirius bounces in while Remus is studying or reading, or sometimes when Sirius hangs off Remus's arm like a baby chimpanzee, it is common to hear Remus saying, 'Black, you're an annoying git.' This in fact means, 'Sirius, you are a sexy, sexy boy, and I love you. Take me to bed right now and show me your magic with that wand you keep beneath your trousers.' Which is why, Sirius often cuddles up or kisses Remus when he hears the statement, because Remus will never say such thing directly. He's too sophisticated for such things._

_Of course there are times when Sirius will call Remus sweetly (my darling Sugarplum!) from across the room, and Remus will give Sirius a look that James says is very difficult to understand but looks like something murderous. It involves a bit of eyelashes, half mast lids, and raised eyebrows. To make morons like James understand, Sirius translates Remus's expression as, 'Hey, babe, you look fine today. Did I mention I love you and I missed you terribly the two seconds you left my side? I was thinking of killing myself from loneliness. By the way, James is a boring prat.' In answer to this of course, Sirius keeps close to Remus and spends as much time with him as possible. He doesn't want Remus to lose his life because James is a boring prat, after all._

_And then there are times during meals when Remus tilts his head to the side in the most adorable manner and asks Sirius, 'Can you pass the salt, Black?' This of course is a total sham because the house elves are fantastic cooks and never get their seasoning proportions wrong. Remus doesn't need to sprinkle salt on his (unsalted) butter or his mashed potatoes. This salt passing is just Remus's way of saying, 'I love you. This salt is useless. I only have a taste for you and your loving.' And when Remus rolls his eyes and tells Sirius that he has spinach stuck in his teeth, that's his way of saying, 'Marry me, Sirius, and we'll dance into the sunset together after I lick that off of you.' So Sirius grins and cuddles and kisses Remus, so that Remus gets the opportunity to show the troublesome spinach its rightful place._

_So really, Sirius knows Remus best in all aspects, which is why James's list is at the bottom of the Great Lake and not framed in Sirius's bedside drawer. There are things, however, that Sirius also doesn't know; things that only people from Remus's past could know. Simple things like, when Remus lost his first baby teeth, or when Remus rode his first broom, or when Remus got his first underpants that didn't have hippogriffs or dragons on them, or when Remus lost his virginity. Admittedly, Sirius was a bit more concerned with the last fact than the underpants thing. Not that he was jealous of course (Sirius wasn't that kind of boy), but there were things you had to know about the love of your life…_

Sirius abandoned his search for books for his latest prank when he found Remus sitting against one of the bookshelves in the Charms section, knees bent and lips idly sucking on a bar of chocolate. He swallowed heavily when he noticed the dark chocolate stain in the corner of Remus's lips, and immediately swooped down in front of the boy to lick the chocolate off. The lick, fortunately, lasted and progressed a lot longer than Sirius had initially intended.

'Sorry,' Sirius said, not looking the least bit apologetic as they parted from a heated kiss. 'What are you doing?' he asked, even though he was able to see full well that Remus was reading up on the Charms quiz they had tomorrow. 'You shouldn't study so much. Your brain will melt…'

'Much like yours,' Remus commented idly, turning the page.

Sirius pouted and flopped down into Remus's lap, head effectively knocking the book out of the boy's hands. 'The quiz is going to be a breeze, especially for someone as smart as you. You shouldn't work too hard. Pay more attention to me instead.'

'Of course, you are the centre of my universe, after all.' There was a sarcastic tone to Remus's voice, but he didn't push Sirius off and after having fetched his book back with a summoning charm, he even put a hand on top of Sirius's head.

'Will you be going to your mother's again this month?'

'Yes.'

Sirius pouted petulantly. 'Why? I mean, you went last time and you go for two whole days!' He whined. 'Two whole days without you is torture! There's no one to call me stupid, or idiot, or make fun of me, or kiss me…I don't like it when you go.'

'Me neither,' Remus replied mildly, much to Sirius's surprise.

Remus didn't talk much, so Sirius was quite used to the comfortable silence that fell between them after that. His skin was pleasantly warm where Remus's hand was resting and even though Remus was currently busy reading, Sirius was quite content to be lying there with him. Because it meant something; that simple gesture of acknowledgement from Remus meant that Sirius was important, because Remus didn't so much as look at anyone who wasn't.

'Remus?' Sirius asked, looking up to meet Remus's amber eyes. 'If I ask you, will you tell me about Orton?'

'There's nothing to tell,' Remus replied, looking back at his book and resuming his reading.

'You don't have to if you don't want to,' Sirius said unsurely. 'It won't matter to me. I just want to know because…because everyone says these things and I-'

'You want to confirm if I really did use a Love Potion.'

'No!' Sirius replied, taken aback. 'I know you didn't. I never believed it even before I met you because James said you didn't and he'd never lie about something like that!' Sirius reached for Remus's hand, squeezing it between his own. 'I guess I just want to know…there really isn't a proper reason.'

'Then ask,' Remus said quietly. 'It's fine.'

'How did you two meet? I mean he was ahead of us, so he couldn't have just come on to you, right?'

'He was my Potions tutor in third year.'

'Oh.' Sirius bit his lip, feeling slightly insecure and burying deeper into Remus's lap. 'Two years then. That's a long time. Did you…I mean…did you love him?'

'No.'

The lack of hesitation and straight forward answer calmed Sirius slightly, and he relaxed his hold on Remus's hand a little bit. 'Did he love you?' Remus didn't answer directly and Sirius assumed it was a stupid question for him to ask, especially after everything Orton had done to Remus. After all, no one could be so cruel to the person you loved, right?

'It's easy to say three words,' Remus said after a while, startling Sirius. His tone sounded bitter, but there was nothing on Remus's face that could give away to anything that he was feeling. It was as if it didn't affect him at all, and Sirius wondered if Remus was so shut down to emotion that things like this didn't hurt him anymore.

Sirius stared at Remus for a while before moving on to his next uncomfortable question. 'Did you two ever…you know…sleep together?' Sirius already knew this answer, but asked it nonetheless. Orton had been seventeen and a bastard after all; Sirius doubted he would have even cared if he was being a total bastard pedophile.

'Yes.'

'Was he the only one?' Sirius asked, for some reason, dreading the answer.

'No.' Remus closed his book to look at Sirius better. 'Does it bother you?'

'A little,' Sirius replied, feeling his cheeks grow red under Remus's gaze. 'I guess I don't like the idea of anyone else touching you…especially not a sleazy bastard like Orton.'

Remus held Sirius' chin between his fingers. 'You're an idiot.'

'I'm not!' Sirius replied indignantly, feeling his face grow even redder from all the blood rushing to his head. 'I can't help but be possessive. You're so sexy and only I should be the receiver of such sexiness! It doesn't do to share it around, especially when you belong to me, and-'

'Shut up,' Remus said without any real contempt and kissed Sirius, effectively stopping him from sprouting any more nonsense.

He should be used to kissing Remus by now; they'd been dating for a month after all and this was their thirty second kiss (not that Sirius was keeping count because that was silly). But it seemed that every time Remus's lips so much as touched his, Sirius felt his brain turning to mush and all his blood rushing southwards. It was like smoking Gillyweed – ecstasy and complete abandonment of all your senses.

Even now, it seemed Sirius couldn't get enough of Remus, so he pulled the boy closer while arching wantonly upwards so that there wasn't an inch of space between them. Sirius wasn't even sure of the details, but somehow, he'd gone from lying on Remus's lap to straddling it and using his whole body to push Remus tightly against the bookshelf. His hand was wandering underneath Remus's shirt, skirting across the buttons in an attempt to undo them. There was a vague voice in his head that told him that what he was doing might be slightly inappropriate and too early, but all such thoughts were completely banished when he felt one of Remus's hands grip his arse firmly.

'Merlin,' Sirius gasped, inhaling deeply. He didn't get much of his breath back, however, because Remus's lips immediately descended to his neck, kissing gently and sending frantic electricity down Sirius's spine. 'Bloody hell,' Sirius moaned, rubbing his hands down Remus's bare shoulders and pulling him roughly into another mind numbing kiss.

'Sirius! Sirius! Siri- _oh for Merlin's sake_!'

Sirius parted from Remus in a daze to look at his best friend making a disgusted face. He grinned lopsidedly as James rolled his eyes in exasperation. 'Hey, Jamie-boy!' Sirius greeted cheerfully, while he pulled Remus's discarded school shirt back in place, so that James's eyes didn't wander to the pale, smooth skin that only Sirius was allowed to touch and possess and admire.

James tapped his foot impatiently. 'I thought I told you to meet me in the restricted section for that Polyjuice Potion.'

'Oh yeah…sorry, got caught up.' Sirius tried to make an apologetic face, but was distracted by Remus's thoroughly disheveled appearance and nonchalance, as the boy returned back to his book. Sirius couldn't stop staring at the redness of Remus's kiss bruised lips. 'Say, James, you brought the camera to take pictures of the pages, didn't you?' Sirius asked, still looking at Remus like a possessed man. 'Could you take one of me and my Muffin, pllleeeasee?'

James sighed heavily, and before Sirius could grovel on his both knees to please, please use the camera, there was a click and bright flash. 'Done. Now, get off his lap and help me with the potion. I need to sneak into Lily's room by next month!'

'You could have at least warned me! My hair's a mess and I didn't even smile!' Sirius griped moodily, straightening up. 'And my baby's bare chest was showing! You pornographic pervert! You'd better give me the negatives, and don't expect to get any copies to wank off to, you sick bastard, you-'

'Only the stairs for the girl's dormitory is charmed,' Remus cut in with a bored tone, saving James a major headache. 'No one's stopping you from flying in there or climbing up the banister.'

'Bloody brilliant!' James exclaimed in disbelief, tucking his camera in his bag. 'I've never actually noticed that bit! Remus, mate, you're a genius!'

Sirius cuffed James up the head and proceeded to strangle him. 'Don't hit on him, you backstabbing pervert! Since when is he Remus to you, eh? Stick to formalities, you arse, unless you want to take up permanent residence in the infirmary!' Sirius turned towards Remus, one hand still around James's neck in a chokehold as he said cheerily, 'I'll see you in class tomorrow,  _Moonshine_!'

Remus stiffened.

'What's wrong?' Sirius asked with a frown, noticing the change in stance immediately and moving closer to Remus, all the while dragging James by the neck. 'Don't you feel well?'

' _I can't breathe, you git!'_

'I'm fine,' Remus replied, turning the page of his book.

Sirius smiled happily. 'Okay. I'll see you later, yeah? Love you!' With one last kiss goodbye, Sirius dragged a very blue James out of the Charms section.

' _Let me go, you bastard!'_

* * *

_James liked Remus. Not in the way Filch liked Mrs. Norris, but in the way Sirius liked shiny things. It was a certain amount of fascination and a certain amount of awe, and even sometimes a certain amount of very distracting glitter. Now, James completely agreed with Sirius that Remus had his own language and was very difficult to understand through a few choice words alone. But contrary to popular opinion, James thought he spoke Remus-ian much better than Sirius did, at least. In fact, James reckoned he even knew Remus a lot better than Sirius did. This was because James didn't have Remus-snogs (thank Merlin) to cloud his brain and distract him from the cold, hard, facts._

_Most important fact, according to James because that's what made Remus glittery, was that Remus had a sense of humour akin to a Marauder. It was such a wicked and witty sense of humour that James was in constant awe of how he'd never picked Remus Lupin out of the crowd during their first years of Hogwarts. James reckons this was because Peter's fat arse was blocking his view and out of blindness more than choice, James and Sirius had lifted Peter's head where it had gotten stuck in the toilet and made him a certified member of their group._

_Well, better sooner than later. James first discovered Remus Lupin's talent when he'd suggested the way to get to the girl's dormitory, and then there was that incident where Remus casually pointed out that perhaps a temporary Immobilising Jinx was a better option if they didn't want to be directly involved when the pixies were set free in the teacher's lounge. Remus had simply suggested it as though there were a mistake in their Charms homework. If fact, he acted completely clueless even after, when James tried to congratulate his genius (Sirius had nearly kneed James when James ruffled Remus's hair). Then James noticed the progressive way Remus constantly teased Sirius, and along with that came an amazing discovery - one which James would never ever tell Sirius because it was much more fun to watch him suffer and grovel and beg and bleed all over the floor._

_The discovery was as follows (please hold on to your seatbelts folks; it is truly shocking and not for the faint of heart): Remus Lupin actually, truly, and not in a joking way where James might be taking the mickey, cared about Sirius Black._

'What do you think I should give him, James? It needs to be really special.'

'Why do you want to give him anything?' James asked, slinging his bag to the other shoulder. Dungbombs really added on to the weight of books, but they were the only way Professor Slughorn wouldn't notice them sneaking one in. 'I mean, you said it's not his birthday. So why bother?'

Sirius rolled his eyes, clearly indicating that James was being a stupid git and that an inexperienced idiot like him wouldn't understand matters of the heart. 'I told you, James, I want to cheer him up when he comes back from his visit. He always looks so upset and exhausted. A gift would take his mind off of things…'

James raised an eyebrow. 'How can you possibly tell if he's upset? He always has the same bloody expression!'

Sirius glared. 'Don't be a git, Prongs. Are you suggesting my baby is insensitive?'

'What?!' James cried flabbergastered.

'Are you saying that he's incapable of feeling anything? That he's just some kind of inanimate object with no emotions or feelings?!'

'I never said that!' James said, frantically waving his arms around. 'Stop putting words in my mouth!'

'Okay!' Sirius replied cheerfully, going from angry to happy so fast that it made James dizzy. 'You're helping me pick out a gift for him. He leaves tomorrow, so we'll sneak into Hogsmeade then.'

James groaned, not understanding how he got himself into these messes. It was a good thing James loved Sirius so much, because even a real brother would have abandoned him by now. 'Just get something he likes…if you can figure that out by his face as well…'

'But he's already got a lot of chocolate…' Sirius said thoughtfully, '…what else does he like…I wonder…? Oh, he likes me, right?'

'I have my doubts,' James supplied sarcastically, though he was quite sure Sirius hadn't heard him.

'I know! I can-' Sirius's brilliance was interrupted by a large, tawny owl settling itself on his bag-pack. It was a magnificent bird – sleek, well groomed, and with a proud stance that told you it was bred within a purebred family. The large Black crest on its chest only confirmed its royalty. 'Another letter from Mother?' Sirius asked the bird coldly. 'She must be really missing me.'

It always fascinated James how Sirius could change when confronted with any part of his family. His voice would grow cold and deep, the perfect English accent seeping through his harsh, uncaring words. His eyes would harden to a steely grey and even his back would become stiff with tension and malice. A single mention of Sirius's mother, Walburga Black, and Sirius's cheerful smile and mischievous demeanour would drop immediately, like he was being inspected of some sort of crime. It was as if Walburga Black had control over her son, despite being so far away.

'What's it say?' James asked, trying to over Sirius's shoulder.

'Nothing different,' Sirius replied curtly, folding up the letter before James could read it. 'Let get to class. We need to be early if we want to drop those bombs in Snape's cauldron.'

The rest of the way was spent in tense silence, James following Sirius rather than the two of them walking shoulder to shoulder while planning pranks, as they always did. James would practically see the hard lines of Sirius's back muscles, coiled tightly from suppression. There was definitely something suspicious going on; Sirius never reacted this badly to an insult-filled letter. He'd gotten too used to it to truly affect him in any way. But right now, Sirius looked ready to burst. It was only a matter of time before he was sent into one of his legendary Black outbursts – the kind that normally ended with at least five people (usually Slytherin) injured and Sirius in detention.

They took their usual seats beside Lupin, sans Peter who was suffering from a bad case of Blue-face, courtesy of Snivellus Snape and couldn't attend Potions. They hadn't even gotten through fifteen minutes of class, when Sirius suddenly shot out of his chair and hurried off with a half-arsed excuse of needing the loo urgently. This only made James worry further, and it took him a while to see that Sirius had left his letter on the table in a hurry, brutally scrunched up into a ball.

'He's hasn't copped a feel today,' Remus commented absentmindedly, glancing at James through the corner of his eyes.

'His Uncle Alphard died yesterday,' James read from the letter, barely suppressing a gasp. 'Merlin, Alphard's dead. No wonder Sirius is upset…' James skimmed through the rest of the letter quickly, noting something about Sirius inheriting all the gold when he turned seventeen, and other legal jargon.

Remus didn't say anything further and turned back to chopping his ingredients, but James could see the signs of a frown in the lines of his forehead. It was the longest Potions class James had ever sat in because he couldn't get his mind off of what Sirius had to be doing. He was worried, of course, but he couldn't leave class without calling attention to the fact that Sirius still hadn't come back from the loo. Detention was the last thing either of them needed right now.

Needless to say, James hadn't even thought about the Dungbombs in his bag out of concern for Sirius. So when Lily Evans bumped into him by accident at the end of class and automatically activated all four Dungbombs, chaos erupted. Very smelly chaos…one that had all the students gasping for air and Slughorn screaming about how he was going to make sure James got expelled from school someday.

It took half an hour worth of lecture and a month's worth of detention to finally free of Slughorn and climb up to the dormitory for a clothes change. 'Fuck,' James had exclaimed during his journey up the stairs, earning several gasps from the portraits and a fart in the face from Peeves for his effort. With the door handle clasped between his hands, James was expecting the worst – tornadoes, an entire floor missing, the walls of the dormitory cracking up – there was no limit to Sirius's anger. So it would be the understatement of the century to say that James was pleasantly surprised when he entered their room to find everything intact, Sirius fast asleep on his bed, and Remus Lupin standing in front of the mirror with a fag dangling from his lips and a head full of neatly braided cornrows.

'You're alive,' James whispered in awe, once he'd managed to scrape his jaw off the floor.

Remus glanced at him through the mirror. 'For fifty more years or so, yes…it seems I'm alive.'

James blinked. 'No, I mean…Sirius…he usually…he can't control his magic when he's angry,' James stuttered walking towards Lupin and checking up on Sirius warily as if expecting his friend to jump out with a manic grin any moment. 'Sirius needed potions after his little brother got transferred to Beaxbatons as protection from Sirius's bad influence. Our house still has holes, you know…'

'Sanity is not his strongest point, I see,' Remus observed, plucking at one of his braids. 'I don't suppose you could help me out of these?'

'What did you do?' James asked, taking a seat beside sleeping Sirius and beckoning Remus to do the same, so that they could get started on what was clearly Sirius's product of stress – cornrows, honestly. 'What did you tell him? He never even talks to me without trying to stab me first. What did you do to get him like this?'

Remus shrugged secretively, his back facing James. 'I let sleeping dogs lie…'

James snorted, finally able to pull apart one of the braids. 'You're as vague as ever, Lupin, but I'm guessing he's told you, hasn't he? About Uncle Alphard?'

'Perhaps he has…' Remus replied, leaning his head back so that James could see his eyes dancing mysteriously. 'It depends on perspective, don't you think? His secrets can be different from yours…'

James shook his head in exasperation and found himself spilling to Remus's calm and easy expression. 'Uncle Alphard was a sort of an ally, you can say. He's the only one who supported Sirius when he went into Gryffindor and when he got that Howler saying he was a total blood traitor, and then when he…ah, you get it.' James waved, untangling another braid with triumph. 'Sirius doesn't like getting anyone else involved with his family, but you seem to be really special to him. If he even let you in to the room without a fight, that means he trusts you enough.'

Remus looked at him mildly. 'He's an idiot to trust a stranger. No wonder he takes candy from me.'

James chuckled. 'Well, you picked up a stray pup, after all, so he got attached to your leg somehow. You never told me why though…you needn't have agreed to me. I've seen you ignore plenty of people, so why'd you agree to go out with Sirius?'

Remus finished his cigarette and shrugged. 'I was bored.'

'You honestly don't expect me to believe such a flimsy reason, do you?' James challenged.

'Haven't you heard the rumours?' Remus looked back, his eyes taking on a wicked glint or perhaps it was a trick of light. 'Remus Lupin is very easy…'

James snorted, roughly brushing his fingers through Remus's free hair to straighten the kinks. Honestly, Sirius's compulsive silliness was making a total ponce out of James – next he'd be designing lace. 'There are also rumours that Sirius Black was circumcised by the Queen. Do you think it's true?'

Remus raised a sardonic eyebrow. 'I'll let you know by the end of this month.'

James laughed, ruffling Remus's hair. 'Well, I'm happy that he trusts you anyway, and I kind of envy you for it, too. I envy you, but I'm glad you're here, and I admire you as hell for it…' James admitted in a rush, blushing slightly at his unmanly confession.

Lupin turned to face him, mouth adjusted to a casual expression and eyes looking lazily into James's as he whispered softly, 'James…you…that's really nice of you…' He shifted closer, so that their noses were touching.

'I-It's nothing…I was just…er…' James gulped, moving away slightly only to have Lupin follow him, this time their breaths mingling uncomfortably. It was suddenly a bit too hot and stuffy. Since when did Lupin call him by his first name any way? He didn't even call Sirius by his first name. Vaguely, James realised that his hands were still in Remus's hair and he quickly removed them, turning crimson.

'James…I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now,' Lupin whispered, moving even closer and resting a gentle hand on James's cheek.

James spluttered, feeling sweat gather at his forehead. 'Eh? W-What?'

This was  _bad._  This was very, very bad. James should have known this would happen. He should have known. After all, he was much better looking than Sirius and he had a much better personality, not to mention he was Quidditch captain. Girls were always after him, so it was only a matter of time before Lupin took notice of his perfect body and masculine face. Normally, James wouldn't have minded this sort of thing, but this was Sirius's lover. Sirius would be heartbroken if he found out what Remus was doing. What was James supposed to do?

'James…' Remus repeated huskily, his thumb brushing just beneath James's lower lip. His other hand was holding James across the waist, stopping him from moving anywhere and running for his life. 'James…I need to say this…'

James felt his eye twitch and he looked at Sirius desperately for some kind of intervention.  _I don't want to kiss him!_  James cried like a baby in his head, hoping the thought would somehow transfer telepathically to Sirius. Sirius simply snored in reply and James was sure there was some kind of special hell for kissing your best friend's boyfriend right in front of said best friend.

'James…look at me… _listen…'_

'L-Lupin, w-wait…'

Remus had this scar across his left eye. It was so light that no one would actually notice it until they stuck their face into Lupin's. It was scary. It was incredibly scary against those pale amber irises. Scary and frightening in the way red buttons were to a child. The kind of buttons you were told not to push, but you do and end up with only half a head of hair and a single bullock. James didn't want to lose his bullocks…he hadn't even used them yet!

'James… _please_ …' Remus breathed, sending uncomfortable shivers down James's spine.

He should have turned off his insatiable charm around Lupin. He should been less handsome (if that was possible).

'Please don't react badly to this…'

He should have at least tried not to be so brilliant.

'But…you smell really, really bad…like several Dungbombs and quite a few bad eggs…'

James's nose started bleeding.

* * *

_Remus Lupin was an enigma, even to himself. This was something neither James Potter nor Sirius Black knew. It wasn't something you told anybody, especially if you were Remus Lupin, who rarely even opened his mouth to exchange friendly conversation. In fact, Remus was never even friendly and pleasantries were always a bit of a pain for him. Remus never wished anyone good morning, because mornings were generally unpleasant – often bright and permeated by noisy people who shouldn't even have the energy to speak after having woken up from sleep. Remus also didn't believe in giving compliments. Well, that was not completely true. Remus didn't quite believe in dishing out_ _**fake** _ _compliments. If you were annoying or had too much nose hair, Remus would quite frankly tell you to your face that you were an idiot and it wasn't very expensive to buy a pair of clippers._

_Remus reckons that once upon a time he used to be a nicer boy, perhaps someone who would lie that you were pretty even if you were wearing a vulture on your head and a hot pink dress with neon yellow bows on them. He can't really remember. Not that a lot of people can remember much from when they were younger, but unlike the other forgetful fools out there, Remus had the valid reason of amnesia. Truth is, Remus can't remember anything before that painful accident when he was six years old. He can't even remember how he became ill at only five or how that accident happened (though he sometimes had dreams, no nightmares). He can't remember what his old name used to be, before his father had to change things to protect him from the media outburst. He was never told small details and since he didn't speak much, he never really asked._

_Remus was used to silence, which was why Sirius Black was proving to be a bit of a headache. Well, Sirius Black and that friend of his as well. James Potter, who talked about Quaffles and Bludgers like they were his very round and discoloured children. Sirius Black, on the other hand, simply talked. He talked all throughout the day, through the evening and even into the night. He talked and talked and talked, until Remus could only see the blur of the boy's mouth moving and his ears ringing about muffins and plums and cakes. A lot of the days, Remus had nightmares about pies – a different flavor each night._

_Remus has of course made back up plans, because while pies are wonderful, along with a variety of sweet things, he really doesn't want to be made into one (crust doesn't do well for his skin). So, Remus has decided he will tape Sirius's mouth shut. Yes, that is the ingenious plan he has come up with, and any time now, when Sirius is totally off guard and when Sirius isn't sticking to Remus like a monkey to its banana (Remus doesn't even want to think about all the dirty insinuations there), Sirius will find his mouth taped shut. Hopefully, the glue will last for the rest of Sirius's natural life (and maybe unnatural too), though the whole kissing thing might be a bit of an inconvenience. Quite frankly, Remus liked kissing as much as pie…_

Remus returned to his dormitory at two in the morning on a rather cold Friday. It was even colder because Remus had just helped himself to a bath in the Prefect's bathroom on the way from the Infirmary. His hair was still slightly wet because he didn't have the energy to cast a proper drying charm, and even though his bullocks were in the risk of getting frostbite, he had only bothered to wear a pair of pyjama bottoms. No one would be awake at this time anyway, and at least his bullocks were protected. His tonsils…well, he could do without them.

His roommates were sleeping soundly, so he walked in the dark from whatever he could see or remember. He maneuvered around his trunk through half closed eyes and pushed the crimson bed curtains aside, looking forward to a good night's sleep and preferably relaxed joints in the morning. Unfortunately, all pretenses of sleep disappeared abruptly when his eyes fell on the figure sleeping peacefully on top of his covers.

Snoring.

Drooling.

And naked, save for a pair of ridiculously small underwear.

'For Christ's sake,' Remus muttered, rubbing his temple tiredly. His little exclamation woke Sirius up, who for a while, did nothing but flutter his eyelashes and rub his eyes in an attempt to focus.

'Moonsh'ne? You b'ck?' He yawned widely and with what looked like a whole lot of effort, pulled himself up and draped himself all over Remus, arms winding around Remus's shoulders and sleep warm body pressing against Remus's cold skin. Sirius's crotch was pressing uncomfortably against him, so for the sake of Sirius's modesty (if he had any), Remus pulled one of his school robes from his trunk and wrapped it around Sirius body, buttoning the middle two buttons to keep it from falling off.

'Wan'ed teh su'prise you…g't drinkz 'n' ch'clit...'

Remus only then noticed the two empty bottles of Firewhisky peeking out from underneath his bed.

'Fr'nk 'n' the oth'rs…dey came…' Sirius snuggled deeper and took a generous whiff of Remus's hair. 'We play'd strip pok'r…I lost…'

For the sake of his own sanity, Remus did not look around to his other roommates. One naked and drunk boy was enough for the night, and he doubted he really had the energy to cope with anything too loud or obnoxious. So, he told the throbbing nerve on his temple to calm down and his hands to please not strangle anybody. Wearily, he also added to Sirius, 'I'm tired, Black.'

'C'me to bed th'n,' Sirius mumbled, pulling him in.

Remus, too exhausted to argue, resigned himself a little too easily and closed the curtains behind them. He cast a quick silencing and locking charm because he intended to sleep through the weekend and didn't fancy scaring his dorm mates with a mutt like Sirius Black dozing on his bed. He pulled the covers out from underneath Sirius and spread it over both of them, making sure he got the side of the pillow that didn't have Sirius's drool all over it.

'I l've you,' Remus felt Sirius snuffle against the nape of his neck, while his own eyes were drifting to a close. 'I l've you, my darlin' W'lsh Rabb't.'

'Shut up.'

Remus fell asleep to the disturbingly puppy-like sounds of Sirius sleeping.

 


	5. Seducing Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_Sirius has a big secret. It is a secret of epic proportions that can prove disastrous if anyone were to find out. No one can know of this secret because Sirius's entire being, his sanity and his very life depend on it. Yes, it's_ _**that** _ _big._

_Truth is, Sirius Black is a virgin._

_Okay, so maybe most of the school or really anyone familiar with the young Black name knew this, but that doesn't make it a matter to boast about. Not that Sirius is ashamed of it or anything because really, he has several good reasons for his lack of experience. Several good reasons that Sirius often finds himself compiling neatly and fleshing out detailed explanations for them, should anyone dare to ask exactly_ _**why** _ _Sirius, hunk lord of Hogwarts is still preserving his flower._

_The first reason is of course that Sirius is only fifteen. Fifteen isn't exactly an age to be sleeping around much, though this fact really shouldn't be brought into light with Remus, who'd been having sex back when Sirius still kept his Marvin the Muggle bed sheets and James still slept with Keigo, the Ultimate Chaser (which was not a doll, but a very manly, though slightly fuzzy action figure)._

_Another good reason, Sirius thinks, is that James hasn't slept with anyone yet either. It's not a competition or anything and it isn't like they planned the inner workings of it or anything. But coincidentally, the two of them always end up doing things the same way (though sex Sirius's way might be a bit of a problem for James), or at the same time. Like when they both rode their first brooms and got in their first fist fight (with each other), and the time they both had a giant pimple in the exact same spot on their face (even if it was a hex from Evans). Unfortunately, this reason isn't that much of a reassurance to Sirius as it is to the general public. Thing is, James doesn't seem to show any interest in sleeping with girls other than Lily Evans, which is why he waits…and waits…and waits…for Evans to come around. This is like waiting for McGonagall to declare her undying love for butterflies and Hagrid to win the National Championship for Wizard Ballet. For those who still retain a tiny sliver of hope for James, it's best to clarify that the above is quite impossible. Sirius knows this only too well and doesn't intend to follow James's footsteps at all. There's no point in preserving his flower if said flower eventually wilts from… er… malnutrition._

_One of the most problematic reasons, however, is that Sirius doesn't know much about the actual act of things and doesn't feel particularly confident about it. Well, he knows that sex, in general, involves certain bits and the putting of certain bits in certain place; he doesn't want to worry about who'll be doing the putting and who'll be the puttee. There's also a good bit of kissing involved and perhaps some touching, but that doesn't really help much and Sirius hates not knowing things and it isn't like he can walk up to Madam Pince and ask her where the anal sex section is. This frustration over not knowing things comes from another well kept secret; well, not so much as a secret as a fact that people refuse to believe. The fact is that despite appearances, Sirius actually has an I.Q. of nearly two hundred. This was discovered when Sirius was five and actually solved a complex five hundred piece puzzle in fifteen minutes. The tutor had declared Sirius close to a genius, until Sirius got angry at one of the puzzle pieces calling him ugly and smashed it to bits with a hundred year old elf head (Kreacher's great, great uncle, Maim)._

_Thing is, until now, Sirius has had a pretty good relationship with his right hand, but then everything became too complicated. His right hand was starting to complain about being used like some ordinary market piece, his left hand was totally incompetent and had the coordination of a one legged, pregnant duck, and worst of all, after the arrival of Remus Lupin into Sirius's life, Sirius felt that hands simply did not make the cut. At least,_ _**his** _ _hands didn't…maybe if Remus…_

It wasn't unusual per se for Sirius to wake up with a morning erection. In fact, many mornings Sirius would wake up; acknowledge it by looking down, and then fall back to sleep again, knowing that it would eventually concede defeat and admit that Sirius was still a virgin and wasn't getting any, any time soon. Of course, most mornings, he doesn't actually wake up to a very sexy Remus Lupin pressed against him. They'd fallen asleep relatively close to begin with, given that Sirius had been drowsy mostly, but right now, there wasn't an inch of space between them. Sirius head had somehow abandoned the pillow for Remus's chest and surprisingly enough, one of Remus's hands was resting quite nicely on Sirius's hip in an affectionate embrace. Who knew unconscious Remus was actually much more loving; Sirius would have to knock him out more often.

Sirius smiled and nuzzled a particularly soft patch of skin on Remus's neck before kissing it. 'Pumpkin,' Sirius sang huskily into Remus's ear, accompanying it with a teasing hand rubbing slow, seductive circles. It was a good bit of teasing and Sirius was quite quickly discovering that not all of Remus was stoic. In fact, a certain area seemed to be quite expressive despite the rest of Remus being sound asleep. 'You're cute when you're asleep, you know…'

Remus made a discontented noise at the back of his throat, eyebrows furrowing slightly. Sirius could tell he was already partially awake and in the stage where things were sort of fuzzy and reality and dreams were more or less the same thing. It was a nice warm stage that uninhibited Remus, making his move closer to Sirius in response to Sirius's gentle touches and soft, chaste kisses. Sirius rather liked this Remus; he wondered if he could somehow get Remus to say something like _, 'I love you, Sirius'_  or even better,  _'Sirius, you're a handsome, gorgeous man.'_

'Black, you idiot, what are you doing?'

Maybe Sirius was setting his hopes a bit too high. 'Sorry,' he replied sheepishly, retreating slightly. 'I got carried away…I know you…er…sorry. You were warm and I sort of…er…why are you looking at me like that?'

'You're naked again,' Remus stated neutrally, lifting the covers to look down where he found that indeed, Sirius had reverted back to his former state of almost-nakedness. 'Why?'

Sirius scratched his head thoughtfully. 'I'm not quite sure…I woke up this way…'

Remus blinked and looked at his own hands. 'Did I…?' His eyes roamed through Sirius's body again, as if checking for confirmation. 'I might have turned into a sleeping pervert…'

Sirius chuckled, feeling a sudden bout of warmth going through him when he realized that Remus's hands had gone back to holding him. It was a loose hold, nothing like the fierce embraces Sirius dreamed of, but Remus's hands were there and they didn't seem to have any intent of moving. Maybe (near) unconsciousness really did make Remus much nicer. Fueled by Remus's revolutionary change in attitude, Sirius placed a swift kiss on to Remus's lips. He was about to pull back, when Remus brushed his tounge along Sirius's bottom lip and brought the kiss in deeper.

'Mn…' Sirius pulled Remus on top of him, so that every inch of their bodies was touching and molding together. Kisses really weren't enough anymore. Not for Sirius's rampant and prodigal sex drive.

Remus seemed to have more than gotten the message, more or less, because he'd already started kissing down Sirius's neck, languid tounge and insistent teeth. There was a brush of something cool along his chest, and Sirius opened his eyes with a jolt to see, for the first time, the silver cross dangling around Remus's neck. It was leading the path for Remus's lips as the kisses went lower and lower down Sirius's stomach. It was completely unholy against Remus's pink tounge and warm mouth, and the thought alone sent violent shivers down Sirius's spine and his toes curling into the sheets.

'Ah, Remus, I-'

Sirius was shut off quite effectively mid declaration by a bruising kiss. Sirius figured Remus didn't want to hear any ridiculous nicknames as of now. Not that Sirius was going to use any. Even an idiot like him knew what to say in the right situation and calling a person Bumble-cherry was not going to turn anybody on and probably just earn him another  _'Black, you total git.'_ Sirius had no intention of being a virginal git, thank you very much; nor did he fancy walking all the way back to his own room with a painful stiffy that was guaranteed to rip the front of his trousers. Not that he knew where his trousers were…Frank might have them tied to his waist.

'Black,' Remus whispered hoarsely, running a hand up Sirius's thigh, drawing intricate patters in a way that drove Sirius crazy. Two of Remus's fingers dipped past Sirius's underwear, skimming and teasing across the already sensitive skin there. 'Can I?'

Sirius opened his eyes, losing himself in Remus's glittering amber orbs and feeling lightheaded and dizzy at the same time. 'Have me,' he breathed, every word enunciated against Remus's kiss bruised lips. Sirius placed his hand on top of Remus's and guided it downwards, pushing away his own underwear to his knees. 'Anything you want…it's yours…'

Sirius felt Remus's breathing speed up, and for a moment, the he did nothing but stare at Sirius with an almost unreadable expression. Remus simply stared, not enough to make Sirius uncomfortable or desperate, because it looked almost as if he was in  _awe_  with Sirius. Finally, a hand came up to brush Sirius's hair from his forehead, and then Remus leant down to kiss him gently.

Vaguely, Sirius was aware that Remus's other hand was reaching for his wand, rummaging for something or the other. But then, he couldn't really worry about it, because Remus's hand went lower: first fisting his cock, rolling his balls within his palm, and then…

'Ah!'

Sirius's eyes widened, as he felt something slick and intrusive behind him. He looked at Remus, whose eyes never left Sirius's – they were warm and confident and beautiful; a sight so rare that Sirius felt as if he was melting into them.

'Relax,' Remus whispered softly. 'It's okay…'

Sirius felt his eyes close in discomfort as Remus's fingers continued stretching him. And then…there was crook of fingers and Sirius felt an explosion of colour erupt behind his eyelids. He let out an involuntary moan, his back arching automatically and hands pulling Remus lower, closer…

If this was what sex with Remus was like, then Sirius's only regret was not having jumped him sooner.

'Fuck,' Sirius groaned, as Remus manipulated his fingers again, eliciting pleasurable shudders and almost embarrassingly keening sounds from Sirius's lips. Sounds Sirius had no idea he was capable of making, or even had any control over of. 'Fuck, Remus.'

'This might hurt at first,' Remus said softly, his hands guiding Sirius's legs to wrap around his waist. 'If you want me to stop…'

There was nothing that would make Sirius want to stop, not even the world ending. Even as Remus pushed in slowly, inch by careful inch, the pain wasn't unbearable. Especially not when Remus was holding him with so much care, laying butterfly kisses down his neck to distract him, and caressing his face and sweat soaked hair affectionately. It was completely unlike Remus; to be so gentle and to touch Sirius so willingly and with so much concern. It was like he'd transformed into a completely different person; as if he'd finally pulled down his walls just for Sirius to see.

There was a point when Sirius was so lost in Remus's touches that he didn't even register that there was no longer that feeling of discomfort or pain, or that Remus had stopped moving and buried his face into Sirius's neck, breathing heavily, to give Sirius time to adjust.

Sirius tightened his arms around Remus's back, slowly, unsurely guiding his movements; urging the boy above him to set a rhythm between them and slowly build the pace. Sirius wasn't even sure if he was doing it right, but the way Remus clutched at him possessively and drowned him with kisses, again and again, Sirius had a feeling that this was perhaps how it was supposed to be between them. Explosive, and dynamic, and heat: unimaginable, intolerable heat as Remus angled his hips just right and sent sparks shooting down Sirius's spine and made Sirius clutch tightly at the sheets.

There were beads of sweat collecting on Remus's forehead and upper lip, dripping downwards to the sharp and lithe angles of his body and mingling with Sirius's own as they became meshed together as one, completely indecipherable as two bodies. Sirius moved upwards slightly to lick at Remus's lips, tasting an odd combination of salt and chocolate and leaning up for more. He wanted to feel those warm lips against him and that pendant – he wanted to feel that cool surface, no matter how lewd he was being.

Sirius could already feel Remus trembling, his movements getting slightly more frantic and hurried. Remus was about to come, and Sirius tried his hardest to keep his eyes open and connected with Remus's. He wanted to see Remus come, to see his face contorted with pleasure and emotion; to be the one of the few to initiate and see a side of Remus Lupin that would perhaps never be exposed.

But then, Remus pulled him into a deep kiss and Sirius lost all concentration to the feel of Remus's lips and Remus's skin sliding against his own. And then, his own orgasm exploded into white, hot heat and his eyes shut tightly on their own accord, as he came with a muted cry and Remus's name muffled against his lips.

Sirius felt a hand to his cheek, and opened his eyes to see Remus hovering above him, breathing heavily. 'Alright?' he asked softly between erratic gasps. His face was back to the mask he always wore, but Sirius savoured the breathlessness and pink flush on Remus's cheeks, storing the images away as small achievements.

'Better than,' Sirius finally replied, smiling and wincing as Remus slid out of him. He watched as Remus cleaned them up with a wave of his wand and discarded the used condom. Remus even took the pains to pull the blanket over them, before falling back to lie next to Sirius. 'I'm coming here every night from now on,' Sirius declared, laying a casual hand around Remus's waist and relishing in the warmth of Remus's skin. 'Fucking brilliant…'

Sirius looked up to see Remus watching him intently, and he crooked his head slightly in question. Remus didn't look away, but didn't say anything either and Sirius felt almost as if Remus was perhaps trying to repress something, or maybe wanting to say something but didn't know how to. Smirking slightly, Sirius put his index fingers on each corner of Remus's lips and lightly pulled them upwards into a mock smile.

'That's what you do when you have sex with someone as sexy as me,' Sirius said cockily, moving his fingers away from Remus's lips to comfortably wind his arms around the boy.

Surprisingly, Remus's lips remained upturned and the smile stayed. It was a bit crooked and in fact, it was even higher on one side. There were crinkles forming under Remus's amber eyes, just above that spot Sirius always liked to stare at for some reason. It looked oddly out of place on the usually stone face Remus Lupin

It also looked breathtakingly beautiful.

'Hey, Remus…'

Remus closed his eyes tiredly. 'Hm?'

'Do you think I could top next time?'

It seemed like a very normal question, to Sirius at least, but for some reason, Remus face suddenly buried into Sirius's neck. Perhaps, Remus wanted another go already, this time with Sirius taking the lead? Not that Sirius would mind, but he wasn't quite sure of all the mechanics yet, and wait…

Remus was shaking, not kissing or rutting erotically against him. Remus was shaking and his eyelashes were fluttering against the skin of Sirius's neck, and there was a very odd sound following all the weird shaking. It sounded like…it sounded like…

Laughter?

It was. It was laughter; Sirius was sure he was going to orgasm once again just from the sound of it, but doubted Remus would appreciate cum all over his sheets again. It was a nice rich sort of laughter, a lot like the way Remus spoke – heavy and a little rough, but quiet at the same time. It sounded so pretty and addictive, that Sirius thought it would be fun to laugh along with Remus, have a competition on who could laugh the longest, or who had the worst tummy ache at the end of it, or see who found the idea of Sirius topping the funniest.

It took Sirius five minutes of quite pointless laughing to realise that his manhood had been insulted. Mocked. Teased…and not in a good way that involved hands and mouths.

'Oi!'

* * *

_BANG!_

Sirius burst in through the dormitory door with a smile wide enough to fall of his face. 'Mornin', chaps!' He exclaimed, scaring the wits out of Peter and James who had been playing Exploding Snap on James's bed. Unfortunately, Peter's eyebrows turned out to be the unintended casualty of Sirius's enthusiasm.

'Isn't it just the loveliest of all lovely days?' Sirius jumped theatrically up the bed and with a flick of his wand, sent bright yellow daisies raining down upon them. 'The sun's shining, the birds are singing…' Another flick of his wand and two birds chirped merrily around their heads, before settling on James and Peter's shoulders and taking a casual poop. 'It's such a great day, I might even lay off Snivellus for this occasion alone!'

'Guess who got laid?' James deadpanned, looking at Peter who was now trying his best to spell out the bird poop off his shoulders. So far, he'd managed to get it to a very unsightly green colour.

Sirius grinned and flopped down beside James, making the entire bed shake. 'Jamie-boy, have I ever told you what an amazing friend you are?' He laid his head on James's shoulder (the clean one), looking up at his best friend with bright grey eyes. 'You're like the best prankster in the world, and you might not be great with women…or Lily…' Sirius dodged James's punch. 'But you set me up with an  _angel…'_

'Bit depressing to be an angel, isn't he?' Peter asked, giving up and just taking off his shirt. It was much more convenient anyway; perhaps James should do the same thing.

'Peter, you lovely, fat bastard,' Sirius smacked Peter playfully on the stomach, making it jiggle in all four directions. 'Don't say things like that about my Dumpling on the day he  _smiled_ and…and  _laughed_ …' (The  _at me_  was silent but any idiot except Peter could have picked it up)

'Remus Lupin  _smiled_ and  _laughed?'_ James cried incredulously. 'Now I know you're just blowing air, Sirius. How stupid do you think we are? Honestly….Remus Lupin  _smiling…_ what a load of rubbish!'

'James is right. Lily's more likely to date James than Remus smiling…' Peter reasoned.

'Or maybe,' James suggested, glaring daggers at Peter, '…maybe you were so awful, Sirius, that he was trying really hard not to laugh at your face!'

Sirius let out a cry of horror and launched himself on his best friend, ready to wrestle. 'Don't you dare insult my prowess, James! Sirius Black can never be bad in bed! Never!'

'How would you know?' James laughed, trying to gain the upper hand. 'This was your first time, wasn't it?'

Sirius huffed and tried to smack James, but ended up hitting Peter instead, sending Peter's blubber into another jiggle (just when Pete had managed to calm it down from the last one) 'At least I've had sex! Can't say the same for you or Peter!'

'Oi, shut up! Lily will come around eventually!'

'Yeah, like when you're eighty and couldn't get a stiffy even if you  _tried!_ And Evans will have more saggy tits than Peter! _'_

'Shut up about Evans tits! At least she has a pair, you ponce!'

Sirius stuck out his tounge at the same time James stuck out his. They were having one of their legendary 'Tounge Sticking Out' matches of course. Peter knew of this quite well, especially since he had to bear with the tounge sticking out incident of their first year, when their tounge sticking out had lasted for twelve hours until Evans got fed up and placed flobberworm poo on each their tips. Surprisingly, neither of them knew flobberworms passed faeces until then, and naturally, the match lasted a good two hours more before the taste got unbearable. The logic behind the Tounge Sticking Out match is that both opponents have their eyes shut in effort of sticking out as much length of tounge as possible. Unfortunately, the biggest flaw in this technique is that neither can see when the other has given up and thus, knowing James and Sirius, both continue to do so, until either admits defeat or receives a tounge full of, well…shite…

Peter decided a three hour muffin break would be more fruitful, put on a shirt, and left with a, 'Cheers, mates!'

'Good, he's out,' James said, putting his tounge back in since it was quite difficult to speak otherwise. 'I wanted to talk to you.'

Sirius opened his eyes questioningly. 'Me? What about?' He obviously thought this was just another one of their matches and not one of James's brilliant diversionary tactics. Sirius was a bit dim sometimes and proceeded to look at James suspiciously for awhile. 'I'm not giving you any details…so don't go looking at Remus funny. Besides,' Sirius shot James a smug grin. 'There's no way to describe it…it was…like…'

'What did he tell you?'

Sirius blushed, rubbing the back of his head. 'Well, he didn't speak so much….grunting a bit maybe….a little moaning. We were sort of…occupied and all…'

James slapped his forehead in exasperation. 'You know what I'm talking about, Sirius. What did he tell you after that letter about Uncle Alphard?' He held up a hand against Sirius's protest. 'Don't evade the topic, Sirius…I just want to know, alright? You were pretty riled up, so just tell me what he told you…'

Sirius frowned, as if remembering what happened. James wished they'd already taken Leglimency classes, so that he could read what exactly Sirius was thinking. Serious things, like the incident with Alphard's letter and not Sirius's usual things like plums and cakes and pups.

He knew that Sirius was thinking about it…the incident…not the cakes, and perhaps if James could really mind read, he would find the choppy memory of Sirius's and Remus's conversation that follows in italics.

_'James, get the fuck out of here and leave me alone! I swear to Merlin James, I'll- oh, Remus. It's you…'_

'What difference does it make?' Sirius replied finally, shrugging and looking away. He was obviously going to evade the topic.

' _Remus…will you…if I…just…fuck me, alright. Fuck me…hard….kill me…doesn't matter…just…'_

'I want to know…' James asserted.

' _So you want to substitute the pain in your heart with pain up your arse? Perhaps a tissue would be a better solution? I could give you those, if you like….'_

' _I don't care!'_

' _You wouldn't be hurting if you didn't…'_

' _What's your fucking problem? Why don't you just…you should be glad, right? That's how it works, doesn't it? So, why don't you just-'_

' _No…'_

' _I hate you!'_

Sirius put up a fake smile and punched James lightly on the shoulder. 'I told you…he didn't say anything. He just…sort of listened…'

_'Sorry…I shouldn't be boring you with this. I mean, you don't have to really listen to me babble along about people you don't even know. I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. It's so stupid…I've never told anyone...You can go, you know. I mean, you don't have to stay or anything out of courtesy. You can leave if you like.'_

_'Your bed's softer than mine. It would be a pain to go back.'_

James raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Sirius wasn't really the talking type; in fact, even Remus wasn't much of a talker. How could two non-conversational people end up  _talking_  for the entire hour James endured Slughorn's lecture? 'So you…fell asleep talking?'

Sirius grinned sheepishly. 'Not really. He sort of…knocked me out when I mentioned braiding his pubes…'

* * *

_Remus's most hated subject was Potions. It was something he never quite got the grasp of, no matter how much effort he put in to it. He persevered of course, because that's what Remus Lupins, in general, did with things that refused to be conquered. Unfortunately after his fifth cauldron turned to grey mush and his Cheering Potions had somehow ended with all the girls in class crying, Remus conceded to simply scraping through the exams and getting an Acceptable. (Remus also discovered then that he wasn't particularly good with girls). Remus's most favourite subject was Defense. He didn't have to study for it as much as the other subjects. In fact, he hardly ever opened the textbook, because he was a natural at the subject. He had animal instinct, he figured, in more ways than one. But that's the limit to what Remus will reveal of this topic, because some secrets are meant to be kept._

_Remus's most comfortable subject was History of Magic. In the past, he had tried countless times to concentrate and take notes, but Binns had a very soothing voice, one most mothers were missing nowadays. A single mention of Goblin Wars and Remus's eyelids would drop, his breathing would slow, and his brain would abandon all sense of dignity and intelligence and send him images of frilly, pink tea parties with Beastly, the Fifth._

_Unfortunately, Remus has to admit that these are perhaps a better part of his dream. Tea parties and painting goblin nails were really not as much of a threat as the sound of a locking door. A door that he doesn't lock, but Remus's father does. Remus can't remember his exact age, but he knows that its shortly after his second fatal accident where he lost his memories and identity; so he can calculate that he's probably turning seven or already is seven. This dream, among many others, is such a frequent occurrence (for some reason, triggered by History of Magic), that even before seeing it Remus can tell what happens._

_He will walk to the locked door, knowing his father is behind. He'll walk and put his hand against it and then in a small voice that sounds disturbingly like a girl's, he will say, 'Dad…I-I was good this week…I didn't break anything or get angry. And I never went near the other children.'_

_There'll be a heavy sigh from the other side and his father's tired voice that sounds ready to give up, 'It's becoming dangerous, Remus…for everyone. I have to go to work…and no one's willing to babysit and if I leave you alone…we don't know what will happen…'_

_This is the point where the current Remus, even in his dream, will wonder if his father was concerned about his safety or for the people in town. Probably the latter, but before he can reach to a logical conclusion, he is shaken out of his day-nightmare by a hand on his shoulder._

The hand is unusually gentle. Not like Sirius's which spends time exploring Remus's back or slips underneath Remus's t-shirt and tries to toy with Remus's unmentionables. There are also no hugs and sneaked in kisses on the cheek, or any names involving various pastries. Thus, this hand does not belong to Sirius, which does explain some things since Sirius's entire group was skipping class today for some nefarious prank. So Remus decided to put in some effort to open his eyes and pay attention to whatever is needed from him.

'Mr. Lupin, can I have a word with you?' It was McGonagall and for some reason, the class was empty. Even Professor Binns had vanished. Perhaps it was a second dream. 'I understand you're quite  _busy_  at the moment, but given that this is your last lesson, I'm sure you can spare the time.'

Remus blinked, nodded, and followed her to her office silently. There was really need for conversation or even opening his mouth, since everyone knew that Remus didn't talk much. There wasn't really any need to, he figured, especially if it can be said through a simple nod of the head.

Vaguely, Remus wondered what could be so important that McGonagall had to call him out all the way to her office to discuss it. Knowing current situations, it was probably regarding Sirius Black and how she disapproved of him. Practically everyone knew they were dating, or at least they knew that Sirius liked Remus in  _that_  way, since Sirius took every opportunity to stand on random tables and declare how beautiful his  _'baby'_ was. Not to mention the countless times he was caught staring at or touching Remus inappropriately during class; it didn't really matter how many times Remus glared at him or threatened to castrate him. Apparently, Sirius's love for Remus was a lot more than Sirius's love for his own cock. Remus wondered if comparing himself to Sirius's willy and winning was a compliment or in fact, sane.

'As you can see, Mr. Lupin, my office hasn't quite been what it used to be for the past one week…'

Remus blinked, realising that he had been quite preoccupied in inane thoughts yet again. He blinked a few more times to register exactly how McGonagall's office, which seemed the epitome of teacher-hood and all thing stern, changed in a week. It should be noted as of now, that very little surprised Remus or even got a reaction out of him. They registered in his brain; he was quite sharp after all. Unfortunately, after the initial registration, Remus's nervous system simply decides there's no point and doesn't bother to help emote any of his features. If Remus was lucky, one of his limbs would move. So, blinking was a big thing. Blinking meant that Remus was in a state of shock akin to a lifetime coma.

Blinking repeatedly meant that every inch of McGonagall's office was indeed littered with envelopes and papers, and Remus's brain had not completely given up function. There were papers on the floor, on the shelf, in the garbage, and so many on the desk that you could barely see the surface.

'The house elves have given up trying to clean…' McGonagall continued, sitting on what looked like a separate mound paper but was actually a chair. 'Apparently, the letters quite persistently attack anyone who tries to touch them, other than me, that is.'

'I'm afraid my cleaning skills aren't much better, Professor,' Remus replied, wondering if it was a wise idea to risk carnage on his arse by sitting down. 'My relationship with violent mail has also not been ideal…'

McGonagall sighed and rubbed her forehead harder than necessary. 'Mr. Lupin, I'm not sure exactly what happened in the dormitory, but this entire week, I've received nothing but complaints about you from your roommates. Surprisingly enough, the complaints seem quite…perhaps you should read a few…'

Remus squinted on the ones closest to his feet:

_Lupin snores._

_Lupin does his bed too neatly._

_Lupin eats too much chocolate._

_Lupin's trunk makes me trip._

All of them were then followed by a request to change rooms. It also didn't escape Remus's notice that even though someone had painstakingly tried to change handwritings, the s's and t's were written the exact same way in all the notes. S's and T's that Remus was all too familiar with since they uninvitingly decorated his notebook nearly everyday. Unfortunately, these letters usually appeared in sentences like, ' _all you need is wings and we'd be in heaven'_ or _'your eyes are like fire, your skin is like milk and you teeth are as white as radishes'._

 _'Coincidentally_ , it seems, Mr. Herman from the Potter-Black dorm was quarantined in the infirmary three days ago due to serious lice infestation.'

Remus didn't say anything since he already knew where this was going. He stared through the window (the only thing high enough to be saved), at the grounds underneath and wondered if it would hurt if he decided to jump out right now. If that didn't work, there was always the option of strapping raw meat to his body and waiting for the thestrals to chew him to death.

'You see, Mr. Lupin, it doesn't take much to figure out exactly what's going on,' McGonagall commented, crossing her arms across her chest. 'I did plan on ignoring these complaints, but as you can see, things are getting slightly out of control...'

It was the understatement of the century. The office looked unsalvageable.

'Your things have already been moved to the Black-Potter dorm. If you have any complaints, you may state them now.'

Remus figured sexual harassment would be a bit much, so he simply shrugged and turned to leave. 'It doesn't seem like you have much space for my opinion in your office, Professor. A new room is fine.'

McGonagall looked like someone had told her that she'd won the competition on the tightest hair bun. 'Thank you, Mr. Lupin.'

After that, Remus's brain gave up on emotions again, this time from overload. Anything that involved Sirius was overload and simply  _trying_  to think about what Sirius would do once Remus started actually living in the same dorm seemed unimaginable. Though, Remus reckoned the sex would be much easier. Or maybe not, since Sirius's friends seemed quite supportive of his relationship with Remus, especially James Potter, who Remus could actually picture trying to cheer them on with tooter and confetti, and a shirt that said 'Sirius – the best bottom out there!' The 'bottom' would have more than one reference, because the English language employs a lot of useful antonyms for people like Remus who have the need to convey as much information as possible in the fewest possible words.

Lost in his thoughts, Remus didn't even realise that he was already in the common room until he found that he was standing in front of the stairs and there was no more space for leisurely walking. He'd never actually been to the Potter-Black dormitory, not from the lack of insistence, but Remus was sure that practically everyone knew where it was. Remus knew especially because it was right above his own (previous) room, so he'd experienced a wide range of odd, explosive noises for the past five years upto now. In fact, Remus was pretty sure there was a point in their second year when Pettigrew fell through the roof and crashed into Frank Longbottom's bed. Thankfully, Frank had had the urge to urinate at that time and left for the bathroom, or he wouldn't have survived. Longbottom was quite the skinny bastard.

Also, as Remus got higher up the stairs, he could hear the beginnings of what sounded like eardrum shattering music. Muggle music, if memory served him right; the same song was being played in the shops during the summer like a record stuck in loop. Remus had the inane lyrics practically etched into his brain – something about generators and backseats and shooting people in the back.

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, steeled himself into his most stony expression, and opened the door. It was the Black-Potter dorm and he was prepared for the worst.

The only thing he wasn't prepared for was Pettigrew's naked arse welcoming him into the room. A vein in Remus's head popped and he could feel the beginnings of a very painful hemorrhage. Pettigrew, who had been bent over his trunk, entirely starkers save for the towel around his neck, looked up and smiled.

'Hey, Remus, we were wondering when you'd come!' he greeted cheerily with a wave and vibrating cellulite. Remus prayed that Pettigrew didn't turn; he really hadn't gotten over his first hemorrhage. He would make medical history if his entire head burst from nakedness.

'REMUS!' Sirius yelled, thankfully distracting Remus with an over indulgent hug and kiss on the cheek. Remus noted that Sirius was at least wearing clothes, though the shorts he had on had what looked suspiciously like puppies drawn all over it. Ah, no, they actually  _were_ puppies; Remus didn't know things like that were actually made. 'I made the bed for you and everything; and they transferred your trunk here. I think your laundry went to your old room, though, but we'll get that fixed. Oi, James, Remus is here!'

The hangings of the bed closest to the window slid half open to reveal James's grinning face and a magazine flipped down on his chest. The cover, Remus could see clearly, was not something that could be revealed in public – there were certain uncovered female parts involved and highlighted, and of course, as Remus's luck would have it, they were magical pictures and  _moved_ distastefully _._ James's right hand was dutifully missing behind the curtains and Remus really, really didn't want to think about it, but James was right there, smiling, as if wanking while greeting someone was the most normal thing on the planet.

'Welcome, mate. Give me a few more minutes and I'll be right out.'

Remus turned away, ready to sleep off the entire day and wake up in a different, saner world. Or preferably, wake up dead. 'Please, don't rush on my accord.'

 


	6. Sharing Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_The Marauders. Peter isn't sure exactly when they'd gone from being a trio of dysfunctional boys to a trio of very cool ones, infamously known as the Marauders. He reckons it could be in their first year when the three of them had blown up the toilets and had Moaning Myrtle flushed all the way to the male restroom in Hogshead. Not the best place to be, mind you. Even Peter doesn't dare go to the restroom there; not even when his bladder's willing to sell Peter's soul in exchange for a good piss. The Marauders could also have formed in their second year when Mrs. Norris had somehow ended up singing (mewling) lewd songs from the Astronomy Tower. Peter always wondered who Mr. Norris was and if Mrs. Norris was cheating on him with Argus Filch. Third year is also a possibility, where they'd confused the Whomping Willow so badly that all its branches were tied in a knot that took a week to fix. It wasn't their best of pranks. For some reason, Dumbledore was angrier than usual and no one's come near that tree since. Peter is sure it's in fourth year, however, because that's the year they'd been set upon creating a magical map of Hogwarts and had wanted to name it something special. Of course, it didn't quite work out in the end, and they'd decided on a kitchen raid instead. It was, by far, Peter's favourite plan, as all kitchen raids are. Peter might not be the smartest of fellows, but he could tell a good éclair from a mile away._

_Either way, Peter has always considered the Marauders as just the three of them - James, Sirius, and him. Eventually the three of them would get a woman (man in Sirius's case), but those would only be side pieces to their camaraderie. Like the pink lace Peter's mother insists on stitching at the edges of the leather sofas in their living room. They are a perfect combination, after all; not the lace and leather but the three of them. James is the leader – the guy who comes up with all the plans and coordinates them and looks after them. He's the only one Sirius will ever take…well…seriously. Sirius is the crazy and volatile one; the one who is so totally fearless and handsome that it gathers everyone's attention. Peter reckons Sirius could look cool even in a fluorescent orange loin cloth and flower barrettes stuck to his hair. Peter is the fat one, because every respectable group needs a fat bloke to truly be whole. So, it's not that Peter actually likes gorging on cakes, tarts, and soda; he actually does it to keep the group's integrity. They are complete. They are no gaps between them. Or so Peter thought until Remus Lupin entered their lives._

_Peter didn't actually like Remus Lupin when Sirius first decided on a whim to date him. He'd heard the rumours with the Love Potion of course, like everyone in the school had. He'd even confronted James about it. In return, James had smacked Peter up the head and told him to 'for once use vital organs other than his stomach'. It had Peter quite frustrated. He didn't only use his stomach alone. He also used his liver and intestines; digestion was not that easy a process. Peter wondered if the mouth was also an organ. Not getting sidetracked, Peter really didn't like Remus at first. He seemed too quiet, too mysterious, and had this aura around him that screamed danger. Remus also made jokes that Peter never understood, but always sent James and Sirius into hysterics. Peter reckons they were only trying to be polite so he laughs along as well, keeping in mind not to look directly at Lupin because those amber eyes were kind of scary. Thing is, Peter discovered a while later that Remus Lupin isn't that scary. Okay, he is, but he didn't seem to mind helping Peter out with homework or certain difficult spells, and Lupin always managed to bring Sirius down from his legendary rages. Something neither Peter nor James could do without spending a week in the Infirmary, nursing their damaged spleens. This alone was enough to alleviate Lupin from the status of pink lace to embroided white cushions._

_However, it isn't until Lupin shifted into their dormitory that Peter realised how incredibly well Remus fit into the Marauder title. He is good looking (as_ _**all** _ _the Marauders are), and intelligent (as_ _**all** _ _the Marauders are), but most of all he is weird with a capital 'W'. Nothing spells Marauders better than 'weird', though the Oxford Dictionary may say otherwise. After all, their dorms are such that even the house elves are hesitant to enter. You can never know when you will walk in to Peter hanging upside down from the wall, or James having a heated debate about autocracy with a chocolate frog, or even Sirius dancing to 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'. So when Remus woke up with a hairstyle that looked like it was out of a cocaine induced rock concert, it really was just another normal Tuesday…_

Peter yawned and scratched his bottom idly. He truly hated Tuesdays; then again, he hated most days of the week that involved getting up early for classes. Also, on Tuesdays they had bran flakes and fresh fruits for breakfast. Not the sort of fresh fruits you made into jam or pies, but the kind that was raw and open. Healthy eating really wasn't Peter's style. Also, Peter often had hallucinations early in the morning on Tuesdays because Mondays usually involved overeating and a lot of cheese from the kitchens. These hallucinations ranged from dancing sheep to flirty cheese. Cheese was always a favourite of Peter's, especially with lamb, so he never minded. But today it was Remus Lupin with a crow's nest on his head.

'Oi, Sirius, did Lupin always have hair like that?' Peter asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and blinking to clear out the sand.

Sirius, even through his sleep induced haze, had his eyes focused on the lower half of Lupin's body. Namely Lupin's legs, which were exposed as he came out of the shower in his boxers and school shirt. Peter didn't see what was so great about Lupin's legs that Sirius was quite literally drooling all over himself. They were incredibly pale and slightly hairy, and looked every bit like a man's leg. Also, there was a rather large scar/stitch across the knee, which somewhat explained why Lupin occasionally limped.

'Pretty…' Sirius mumbled in a daze. As the saying goes,  _a leopard never changes its spots and a pervert can't think beyond his crotch._

The haircut was really odd. Even though Lupin's hair looked longer, it stuck out in straight, rigid spikes all over his head. In fact, Peter was sure Lupin's hair was a bit lighter than that, but now it was only light brown at the base while the rest was definitely much darker. Maybe Sirius's influence was contagious and Lupin decided to become a rocker. Or maybe Lupin was role playing for Sirius's perverted fantasies, though honestly speaking, it was highly improbable.

'Nice hairstyle, mate,' James called out from inside his trunk where he was still rummaging for his tie. Lost ties in their dorms were often eaten by fluff bunnies; the sort of fluff bunnies that actually breathed and were not to be taken lightly.

Lupin glanced tiredly at James then at himself in Sirius's body length mirror. 'Oh, this is Alfie.'

Lupin named his hair? 'Alfie?' Peter asked, sure that his cheese hallucinations were really going to be the death of him.

'Hm…' Lupin replied, pulling on his trousers, much to Sirius's dismay. 'He heard there were celery sticks for breakfast today.'

Peter blinked. He wondered if writing a medical journal on the harmful effect of cheese would be a good decision. Effect number one – hallucinations, effect number two – bad hearing, effect number three - extreme stupidity. 'W-Why is it called Alfie?' Peter asked, instead of asking the very obvious:  _but why in fuck's name did you name your own hair?_ Or more importantly:  _are celery sticks good for your hair? Is that why I'm going bald on the sides?_

'His real name's too hard to pronounce,' Lupin replied casually, as if it was the most obvious answer on the phase of this Earth. Really, Peter should have known it all along. Hair had very complicated scientific names after all – fallcicles and gelatin. Stuff like that. So it would make sense to call it a respectable British name like Alfie. Peter decided he would call his hair William, after his great grandfather, William the Fourty-Fifth. As noted, the Pettigrews weren't exactly known for their talent in innovative names.

'Is it a porcupine or one of Hagrid's hybrids?' James asked, as the three of them walked out of the room, leaving a still sleepy Sirius to shower and dress. He touched Lupin's spikes gingerly. It went down and bounced back like something out of a shampoo advertisement. The movement was so captivating that Peter nearly failed to notice that Alfie actually had eyes and a mouth, though not much of a snout.

'He's a forest hamster,' Lupin replied, petting Alfie, who seemed to be snoozing quite comfortably on his head. 'I forgot to use conditioner today, so he's having a bad hair day.'

'Ah,' James replied, nodding as if he understood the perils of not having used conditioner completely. Then again, with James hair, he was probably sympathizing over the bad hair day matter. Either way, Alfie being a hamster did explain a lot of things. Peter wondered, as they sat down for breakfast, if he could still refer to his hair as William; they were getting quite attached, especially at the roots.

There was probably more conversation in between, but Peter noticed the bacon on the table and got somewhat preoccupied with it. He did realise when everyone started staring at Lupin of course, or Alfie rather. Perhaps Mc Gonagall had also tripped on her robes when passing by their table and Professor Flitwick had definitely cracked his glasses when trying to rub his eyes clear; Lupin acted oblivious to everyone's stares and calmly read the Daily Prophet like every morning. Peter was also aware that Alfie was awake and Lupin was feeding it like one would a baby bird – keeping the food between his mouth like a cigarette while Alfie played and nibbled with it as he pleased. The girls giggled and 'awwed', for some unknown reason. Somewhere along the line, Sirius also joined the table, wet from his morning shower and grumbling about how a stupid, punk hamster was stealing kisses that belonged to Sirius alone. There was perhaps a bitch fight between the two of them over possession of Remus, where Lupin and James peacefully ate breakfast while Sirius and Alfie scratched each other bloody. Sirius lost quite embarrassingly after Alfie peed into his pumpkin juice. In celebration of his victory, Alfie took the time to snuggle into Lupin's neck and lick him affectionately, before taking his initial position as Remus's hairpiece/toupee. Sirius was sulking. Somewhere in the midst of all the jealousy, Peter noticed that James had also taken a liking to Alfie and tried to feed him, only to get his fingers bit.

'Alfie doesn't like humans,' Remus explained, holding out a piece of buttered toast to sedate the hamster.

If Peter had been more perceptive and less focused on his bacon, he would have noticed James frowning right then and shooting Remus the oddest looks. Sirius, unfortunately, was perceptive enough, and started another brawl with James over ogling his boyfriend and traitorous best friends who should be castrated. They both ended up going to the Infirmary to get their antlers and dog tails removed.

All in all, Peter thought it was a very normal and rather mundane Tuesday…

XxxxX

The Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, Professor Pitts, looked close to rupturing his kidney. A very unfortunate circumstance if it were to truly happen, especially since Peter's muggle uncle constantly complained about the pains of dialysis. Peter always wondered what would happen to a kidney-ruptured-man if he really had to go. If his kidney ruptured, did a situation ever occur where he really had to go? If such a situation occurred, how would he go? Were these ruptured kidney directly connected to your penis, and if so, would a ruptured kidney also mean a ruptured penis? Such difficult questions of life…

'Mr. Lupin, y-y-your hair…'

'It's Alfie, Professor,' Peter explained, saving Professor Pitts from possible rupture of his penis. 'He likes celery…'

Professor Pitts did a shining impression of a goldfish close to rupturing its penis (did goldfish have penises? How did they  _do_  it?). 'A-Alfie?'

The distraught professor stared at Alfie for a little longer, while Lupin stood patiently in front of him. James seemed to be enjoying this confusion, but Sirius was grumbling and nursing his hindquarters where there had been a tail until almost second period. The tail had been black and quite shiny – Sirius had almost gotten quite fond of it until Alfie bit down on it. For his part, Alfie wasn't exactly at fault; Sirius had tried to slip his hand underneath Lupin's shirt right in the middle of the corridor. Peter wondered if Alfie had rabies.

'Alright,' Professor Pitts said finally, regaining his composure and straightening the few wisps of hair on his bald head (Peter thought it looked especially shiny today). 'Alright, take your seats. No need to open your books; we're having a practical class today to demonstrate wizard duels. Mr. Lupin and…Alfie, please stay back and as an opponent, how about-'

'ABSOLUTELY NOT!' Sirius burst out, earning the shocked stares of the entire class and another penis threat for Professor Pitts. 'Professor, Remus absolutely cannot participate in a dueling demonstration! It's too risky and he's so  _fragile!'_

Sirius seemed completely oblivious to the vein twitching in Lupin 's forehead. Remus looked anything but fragile; in fact, half the time he either looked murderous, scary, or stoic. Right now, the boy was somehow managing to look all three at the same time, and Peter would have thought it was an extremely cool thing to be able to do if he weren't busy trying to imperceptibly back off before breaking any bones.

'Sir, what would happen if he got hurt?' Sirius ranted on, earning a lot of chuckles and giggles from the rest of the class. 'Dueling is a dangerous thing and all spells are underhanded! I cannot allow this, absolutely not!'

Professor Pitts raised an eyebrow – the only place he still had sufficient amount of hair left. 'Is that so? Then how about we make you Mr. Lupin's opponent; I'm sure this will avoid any  _underhanded_  spells from being used.' He smiled to himself, as if sharing a marvelous secret. 'I'm sure it won't be a problem then, Mr. Black. If you like, you can go easy on your  _fragile_  friend.'

'But!'

'Lupin's done for,' Peter whispered to James, as they all moved their desks backwards to create sufficient dueling space. 'Sirius has been dueling since before he can speak. The Blacks are reknown for this, aren't they?'

'I wouldn't bet on it,' James grinned, 'Remus has the highest scores in Defense so far. That's the one subject neither Sirius nor I have beaten him at.'

Peter shook his head dismally. 'That's only because neither of you try more than you have to. The only way Lupin can win is if Sirius goes easy on him. Then again, he probably will, don't you think? Love of his life and all….'

James laughed, rubbing his hands together. 'I love Tuesdays!'

'Wands in position! Begin!'

It had happened with a fraction of second. One minute Peter was watching Sirius and Lupin take their stances, and the next, Sirius was lying on the floor, mouth wide open and hand twisted behind his back. What spell had Lupin used? Had there even been an incantation? There were murmurs between all the students and somewhere behind them, Peter was sure Lily Evans and her friends were squealing from awesomeness.

'Stand up,' Lupin said quietly, releasing Sirius's hand. 'Fight me properly.'

Sirius grinned and stood up, straightening his shirt. 'You don't want that, Sugar. Come on, give me a big hug instead….that dumb hamster hasn't-'

'Black, before I maim you…' Lupin warned, though it was somewhat hard to take him seriously since Alfie decided that precise time to wiggle his bum into a more comfortable position. 'Pick up your wand.'

'Ah…Babe, you look angry.'

'How can Sirius tell?' Peter whispered to James. 'He always has the same expression.' Peter mimicked Lupin's stony face, but ended up looking a bit like a chimpanzee, if he could read between James's chuckles well enough. Peter was glad he wasn't the grim kind; chimpanzees weren't taken very seriously after all.

'Oi, look! Shite, that's brilliant!'

Peter turned and felt his mouth drop.

There was flurry of light – gold, red, blue – a rainbow of sparks and spells. The crackling of high speed magical duel was enough to mask the incantations that Lupin and Sirius seemed to be battling out. Beyond the flood of sparks, Peter could barely make out a deep look of concentration on Lupin's face, brows furrowed and eyes shining bright gold. One of his legs was shaking violently. Sirius was grinning maniacally; as if it was the most fun he'd had his entire life. Even Professor Pitts had moved away to avoid getting hit by residue as each spell collided and burst into powerful shards of magic. There was another explosion of bright gold and suddenly everything stopped.

Peter blinked to see Remus Lupin holding both his and Sirius's wand in each of his hands. Lupin's own wand had pushed Sirius's entire body against the wall, while Sirius's wand was being used against him to put up a body bind. Simultaneous spelling – Peter had never seen it before; never even met someone who had enough concentration to focus on multiple spells at once, though James had once mentioned that Sirius was capable of it. Capable or not, Sirius had been pinned and given the final blow by someone just as strong as him, if not more.

'Thank you,' Lupin said quietly, releasing Sirius and handing him back his wand.

And then Peter witnessed the most impossible of things. Something that couldn't even compare to the amazing duel that had just happened.

Remus Lupin smiled.

As in, Sirius wasn't lying the other day.

Lupin's face was actually capable of showing emotions. As in, in a happy sort of, 'I'm very grateful' way, and 'I'm not actually a lifeless statue, who looks kind of scary most of the time' way.

'Blimey, am I hallucinating?' James asked, rubbing his eyes. 'Is that really Lupin? Why is he smiling? Did Sirius teach him that? It looks too difficult for him to learn that on his own…'

The whole class had noticed, including Sirius who was staring at Lupin as if he was an angel descended upon from the heavens. It was very odd since that angel was also responsible for the enormous, purpling bruise forming on Sirius's left cheek.

'Get up' Lupin said softly, extending his hand to help Sirius up.

'Shite.' Sirius gulped, his eyes getting wider by the minute and breath coming out in shallow gasps. Peter didn't think duels could be that exhausting – Sirius seemed to already be sweating.

'Shite.' Sirius grasped Lupin's hand shakily and then suddenly, without any warning dashed out of the classroom, dragging his surprised boyfriend along with him. 'Excuse us for a minute, Professor!' was all they heard before the door slammed shut. The last thing either of them saw was Alfie hanging on to Lupin for his dear life, its already spiky fur in complete disarray.

'Merlin,' James whispered, exasperated, 'I can't believe Sirius got aroused from losing a duel. I swear, turnips could turn him on…'

Peter rather liked turnips; they were very tasty especially in curry. He didn't blame Sirius if they really  _did_  turn him on.

* * *

Sirius hated Tuesdays. Generally, people hated Mondays since it was always came at the end of the weekend. Sirius had been one of those general people up until he met Alfie, the wild monster-hamster. Alfie, who hung off Remus more like a monkey than a hamster; Alfie who didn't look like a hamster at all, but more like a ferocious, baby bear. Alfie, whose sole primal defense talent lay in his jellybean size bladder. Sirius hated Alfie. Unfortunately, every time Sirius got close to wringing his neck, the bloody animal would bring out his defense mechanism and pee ceremoniously into any nearby convenient area.

The day had started well enough. Sirius had woken up nice and late like he did every day, he'd even had a nice dream involving Remus and him with a few censored things done in between, and he'd even gotten to see Remus's lovely, pale, long legs as soon as he'd opened his eyes. Sirius was sure that if any day, Tuesday would be the day he would get laid.

Alfie did not agree. Breakfast was almost tolerable with that perverted, Remus-loving animal, but things stretched a bit too far after their last class - DADA. Sirius had had a duel with Remus and oh Merlin, what a duel it was. Sirius hadn't fought like that since his cousin, Bellatrix, but what made it even more exciting was the power behind each blow. The sheer energy and perfection behind each spell; Remus hadn't been using grade school spells like James did when dueling. This was proper, advanced magic and Remus looked beautiful – it was completely erotic the way Remus's hand moved with each incantation: smooth and fluid, but calm and gentle at the same time, the same way he touched Sirius. There had been a shine in his eyes – maybe it was the reflection of the spells flying around, but nothing could fake the look of excitement on Remus's face, the pure concentration he put into it. The only reason Sirius had lost was because in the end, his raging hard-on restricted movement and Sirius could bear the pain of a thousand Cruciatus curses, but an unattended erection was a completely unacceptable form of torture. Thank Merlin for loose robes.

And then… _then,_ Remus had  _smiled_ , and Sirius just  _had_  to ravish him in the corner of some unknown corridor before his brain burst from the lack of oxygen and overstimulation. He would have had a good snog, too, if that infernal animal hadn't urinated all over him! Sirius was just glad Remus sent that thing back to the Forest, before Sirius decided to fight fire with fire, and pee with pee. His aim wasn't all that bad; Sirius could up Alfie anytime he wanted.

'Alfie says he'll miss you…'

Sirius looked up from his grumbling to see Remus sitting on the bed, bandaging his knee. Maybe it was all the water dripping from his shower into his eyes (he'd scrubbed Alfie's scent off his body till he was raw red), but Remus looked almost like he was laughing. Almost, since you could never tell with Remus because he could say things like 'Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear; Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair; Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he?' with a completely straight face like he was reciting the Potion Periodic table.

'Does your knee hurt?' Sirius asked, flopping down on Remus's bed and casting a quick drying charm on his hair. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to hit it like that. I got completely carried away.'

'It's fine. You duel well…'

Sirius blushed at his very first compliment from Remus. 'Let me do your bandages at least. It's my fault you got hurt…' He didn't allow Remus's to resist, grabbing the ends of the bandages and setting to work. For a moment, he stared at the scar on Remus's knee, wondering if it was appropriate to ask where it had come from and why it didn't look magically healed, but Sirius resisted and kissed where it had swollen instead. 'Sorry…'

'Hm…you're making it too tight…'

'Ah, sorry.' That silver chain, Sirius noted, the one with the cross at the end of it, was still hanging from Remus's neck, buried within his shirt except for a tiny sliver peeking through at the neck. It was a very beautiful pendant, Sirius thought, even though he wasn't particularly focused on God or religion. But it looked more beautiful on Remus, with his pale skin and faint scars. Then again, Remus could look beautiful in a pumpkin suit. 'Hey, Moonshine….are you a really firm believer…in God, I mean?'

'I wouldn't be having sex with you if I was…'

'Then, what about that necklace? I've never seen you take it off, even in the showers…'

For a moment, Remus faltered – something Sirius had never seen him do before, especially since Remus was the kind who always stood calm and steady, like nothing ever got to him. Remus's hand moved up to where the pendant was, fisting it through his shirt for only a moment before letting go. 'It's nothing important. I just think it looks good…'

Sirius smiled. 'Another secret, eh? Are you ever going to tell me anything about yourself?' When Remus shrugged, Sirius's grin only got wider. 'Tell you what; I'll give off one of my secrets and in exchange, you tell me why you wear that pendant, okay? But…but…let me tell you that no one in this school knows about my secret, so you have to keep it hushed up, alright? No telling…'

Remus raised an eyebrow. 'I barely speak…'

Sirius blushed. 'A-And well…you're not allowed to laugh either. Promise?'

Remus pulled down his pant leg and stretched his leg experimentally. 'Not at all. If it's funny enough, I'll laugh.'

Sirius pouted, wondering if he should reveal his secret. He'd never told anyone, not even James. If word ever got out about it, he would never live it down. James would tease him mercilessly about it; he would be the laughing stock of the whole school; and what's worse….the absolute _worst_  thing would be that if word got out, he would he deemed  _ugly._ Sirius Black and ugly were two words that did not mix well. They were impossible words. Sirius Black was….was…handsome and manly…and fantastic in every possible way. Sirius let out a sob at the thought of his secret spilling out.

But then, if you really thought about it, Remus never talked much to anybody and he never, ever laughed (except for that one time that Sirius wants and doesn't want to think about). So…it was okay, right? To let Remus know…it would be all right. Taking a deep breath, Sirius summoned his best kept secret from his trunk. 'Alright, here goes…'

...

'That's your secret?' Remus asked, staring at Sirius and blinking as if a sandstorm had blown into his eyes. 'That is…excuse me…' Remus turned away and broke into a racking cough – it was obviously a mask to hide hysterical laughter.

Sirius could feel humiliation creeping up his cheeks. He was being laughed at;  _again._ 'It's not that funny, you know. No one in the Black family suffers from it. It's all because I've been with James for too long and now…' Sirius sulked childishly and chanced a glance towards the mirror. The reflection that stared back at him looked like a completely different person – dorky and very, very un-cool, despite the lovely long hair. The person staring back at him had enormous coke bottle glasses, with thick black frames that came down beyond his cheeks and constantly slipped down his nose. All that was missing was a pair of braces.

'I didn't know you wore glasses.'

'I don't!' Sirius cried out, closing his magnified eyes in anger and pulling off his dork-tacles. 'I don't wear them! The prescription is faulty…I see perfectly fine, you know! I-I…hmph…don't laugh at me. It's your turn, so spill your secret already!'

Things suddenly seemed a lot more sombre, as the smile on Remus's face disappeared to be replaced by his usual static expression. 'I don't remember much of it,' Remus said finally, running a finger along the edge of the silver chain. 'I was told that when I was six, I got into a car accident and got taken to a muggle hospital. When I woke up…I'd lost all my memories and feeling in my left leg. The only thing I had on was this necklace…it was from the woman who's brought me there and contacted my father…'

Sirius didn't know what to say, so he simply stared guiltily at Remus's clothed knee, remembering the large diagonal scar and the stitch marks crossing across it. He remembered how Remus limped sometimes and needed a walking stick; he also remembered how he'd purposely hit Remus's knee with one of his spells during their duel, just to get an upper hand.

'I never saw her, but it's the beginning of my memories, so I kept it.' Remus shrugged casually, leaning back against the pillow and summoning his usual packet of cigarettes. 'It isn't as sentimental as it sounds and you don't have to feel bad about it. My knee is always bad during the winter…'

'I guess…' Sirius said, drawing doggy patterns on the sheets. 'My secret doesn't sound half as bad as yours though. You really don't remember anything from before then?'

Remus lit his cigarette, offering Sirius a puff. 'Not really. My father told me it was better that I didn't remember, so it didn't seem too important.'

'Oh.' Sirius wondered why a six-year-old was walking the streets alone to start with. Even Sirius's parents, who were truly the worst kind, had never abandoned or left him to wander at that age. 'Well,' Sirius reasoned, taking a drag from Remus's cigarette and handing it back, before planting a chaste kiss on his cheek. 'I think that's the most I've heard you speak since I met you. It's kind of weird…but probably not as much as me when I…' Sirius flopped down into Remus's lap and put on his coke bottle glasses again.

Remus snorted. 'Seems I've taken a fancy for the dorky sort...'

* * *

_It hurts. It hurts inside, in his chest. It didn't make sense, especially since the bruises are on his cheek and arms. It didn't make sense for his chest to hurt more than his fists, where he had lost control of his temper again and hit everybody close to him. It hadn't been his fault. They'd come to him, called him names, hit him; it had been the children teasing at first, but then the adults came and then they'd told him to:_

_Die. You should be dead. They shouldn't have kept you alive to start with._

_It hurt. It still hurts; even though he doesn't understand why they were so angry, he knows they hated him and that hurts. It hurts so much that he can't stop the tears from falling or the loud hiccupping noises coming from his mouth. He wipes them with his fists, tries to stifle his sobs just a little, so that the people standing beside them won't look his way or stare. They might get angry and hurt him like the others, and_ she _won't be able to do anything, just like before._

_She's angry, too. She's angry with him all the time now because she hates him. She always screams, always fights, she never hugs him or kisses him like she used to when he was sad. She lets him cry now, doesn't talk to him or tell him, its okay. But she keeps a hand on his shoulder and that makes him a little happy, because she doesn't even touch him anymore. The grip is too strong and it hurts just a little, but he wants that hand to be there just a little more, only till the tears stop._

_The 'Don't Walk' sign is still flashing red, and he looks up to see the woman beside him huffing in frustration. She's wearing a very pretty silver necklace and when she notices him staring at it, she smiles kindly. She has a lovely smile that looks pretty with her bright blue eyes and dark hair. Just for a moment, she looks at_ her  _and then at him, and quickly bends down to wipe away his cheeks. 'Hush,' she says, 'don't cry', and the tears slow a bit. He smiles at her and slowly, hesitatingly, reaches out for the pendant dangling for her neck._

 _He almost reaches it when suddenly, the hand that had been on his shoulder this whole time grips painfully hard and_  pushes _. It pushes and he falls into the streets, eyes shooting wide open as he hears the screams of so many people. The woman with the pendant has her arms outstretched in horror, and he doesn't reach for her. The 'Don't Walk' sign is still flashing red and in sheer terror, he reaches for_ her,  _because she has always loved and protected him before. But she's already running away from him, not even looking back once._

_'MUM!'_

Remus clutched the cross tightly within his fist, panting uncontrollably. There was sweat dripping down his chin and the end of his nose, the sheets damp and sticking to his body. That dream…he'd never had one like it before. He'd never…he'd never experienced fear like that before. Fear of being hit, fear of being abandoned, the pain that came just before impact – what the fuck? What the fuck had that been?

His eyelashes were clumped together and Remus, in a moment of irritation, wiped his eyes hastily, only to find them wet. It wasn't sweat. The dampness in his cheeks was already drying and Remus could feel the pull on his skin, as they stained into tracks. 'What the fuck?' Remus stared at his hands, stared at the smeared droplets at the tip of his fingers. 'What the fuck is this?'

'Hey, you okay?'

Arms snaked around him, enveloping him completely and Remus turned around to see Sirius pressing behind him.

'Bad dream, love?' Sirius asked, pressing a kiss against Remus's shoulder and snuggling into Remus's neck. 'You don't look so good...'

Remus would never admit it, but for some reason, the sound of Sirius's voice brought him relief. It calmed his pounding heartbeat, just a little. 'Black, why are you in my bed?'

'Cause you weren't there in mine,' Sirius replied sleepily, pushing so close that Remus could feel Sirius's eyelashes fluttering against his neck. 'And it was-'

'Cold there and you were shivering, so you decided to share body heat instead of warming charms. Am I right?' Remus asked sarcastically.

Sirius chuckled and pulled Remus closer, so that Remus was practically sitting on his lap. 'My little Strawberry is so smart. I love you, don't you know. Can't live without you for even a second. Can't sleep without you or breathe without you…I'll die if you're not here in my arms.'

Remus snorted. 'Those are horrible pick-up lines.'

'They're all true,' Sirius mumbled drowsily, 'but if you want me to go, I'll go. I'll do anything you say. Anything you want…I'll always do it for you…'

'You're on a roll, aren't you?' Remus yawned, feeling his eyes droop. He felt tired, more tired than he'd started out, as if that dream alone had sucked out all his energy.

'You're the light of my life, the star of my heart, the apple of my eye…'

'Shut up,' Remus yawned, falling back against the pillow with Sirius's arms still wrapped tightly around him. 'You can stay if you shut up…'


	7. Breaking Up With Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_The sole purpose of a human being's existence is to be needed by someone; that is what Remus believes. Tailors with no taste exist because old ladies with no taste exist. Bakers of cakes exist because eaters of sweet things (much like Remus) exist. Ridiculous awards like Order of Merlin exist, because ridiculous people who risk their lives doing stupidly honourable things exist. Remus has a reason to exist and that is his father._

_Remus exists because his father is completely incapable of cooking anything but soba noodles and toast. John Lupin is also completely incapable of ironing anything without burning a variety of holes in his clothes. Remus remembers one particular hole that looked like a transvestite snowman; how something could possibly have him reach such a lewd conclusion, Remus himself doesn't know. In addition, John Lupin is completely inept at laundry and there are many instances in Remus's childhood where he was made to wear clothes that were washed in the sink with dishwashing soap and underwear that somehow expanded to the size of a fifty year old man with a bad case of cellulite. Remus's father is a complete slob, so when Remus was eight and calm enough to be unlocked from his room, he'd taken over all sorts of household chores._

_It probably came as a relief to John Lupin since at that time, he was recovering of severe wounds from having been attacked by an unidentifiable green-black blob in the kitchen cabinets. Remus knows his father needs him to cook, to clean, and do laundry, to spread a blanket over him when he collapses on the couch after returning from late night work shifts. But most of all, John Lupin needs his son to lull the feelings of his own guilt._

_Remus discovered when he was eleven that humans usually find it difficult to communicate what they need. Little children, since they can't even say their own names properly, wail to infinitum to get their poopy cleaned. Teenagers dress in black, paint their faces like a handicapped clown and listen to loud music, because they can't bring themselves to say, 'Excuse, I'm depressed. Maybe if I had some pot?' There are of course mob men who shoot people and threaten them, because they have a hard time saying, 'Pardon me, but I really need money to satisfy my hunger for monopolisation and corporate control.' However, Remus doubts such techniques would work either. Which is why things made a lot more sense when Remus discovered_ _**touch** _ _. Yes,_ _**discovered** _ _; because back then as far as Remus could remember (which is not too far given the whole memory loss problem), no one had ever touched him. Well, he didn't interact with a lot of people except his father, and Remus supposed he was too old to be coddled around by his old man. It made sense not to have ever been touched, but despite all reasons, sometimes a gentle hand on your shoulder or a ruffle of your hair could feel oddly pleasant._

_It was a dark stormy night, or at least, it was very dark; but Remus thinks stormy does add a bit of an edge to the story. Remus had been riding the bus home, small arms full of groceries for the night's dinner and an unwavering gaze at the lady four seats across from him. He couldn't take his eyes off her giant, enormous, death defying mole. It had been right in the centre of her nose, and Remus, though quite a bit mature for an eleven year old, had still been an eleven year old; so he had wanted to really, really look at it a bit more closely. He had wanted to poke it and see if it would go in like a button or be hard like a bone. He had wanted to know if the mole was actually part of her skull and if it came up in x-rays and things like that. The mole had been so captivating that Remus hadn't even noticed the drunken old man swaying in front of him. He had, however, notice when the old man had suddenly hugged him tightly._

' _You look just like my little child,' the man had said, completely oblivious to how stiff Remus had become._

_Remus hadn't really know what to do in situation such as this, but had already figured that it would be racist to point out that Remus was white, and the man, in fact, quite black. Thus, the possibilities of having had a child that looked like Remus was really, really, not there._

' _She has brown eyes, just like yours. All big and wide, damn cute, you know.'_

' _Oh.' Remus had wondered back then if being drunk also meant you couldn't tell the difference between specific genders. 'Where is she now?'_

' _In jail.'_

_Remus had also doubted she was eleven. 'Ah…'_

_The old man had hummed and sniffled a bit, as if crying. 'I was thinking of visiting her, you know. Rob a bank or a store, maybe. Ah…I miss her…such a good girl. Hold on to daddy for a while, eh, love?' He had hugged Remus tighter then, making it almost impossible to escape. Not that Remus had had such thoughts in mind from the beginning. The night had been dark and stormy, after all, and such nights were always accompanied by cold and wet. It had only made to Remus to keep warm in the nearest source possible._

_The alcohol had smelled terrible and the man had been muttering a lot of things that didn't make sense about his daughter. However, it was a kind embrace; one that somehow left a lingering feeling of being_ _**needed** _ _. The entire time, Remus had wondered if he could please John enough to hold him as well, just a little, though the word 'daddy' wasn't quite Remus's forte. But John never really needed Remus all that much._

_At thirteen, Remus discovered a whole new touch altogether with Orton. It started with a simple, '_ _**you look cute today** _ _' and ended with Remus looking '_ _**quite naked today** _ _'. Remus also found out that_ _**'quite naked today'** _ _wasn't a bad look on him, so even after Orton, Remus gave himself to those who needed him, needed his body even for one night; people who needed him so badly they would sometimes tremble._

_Remus knows Sirius_ _**needs** _ _him. It's written in every line of Sirius's body, but not in the 'quite naked today' sort of way. Remus knows Sirius needs him when Sirius, still a little unused to his growth spurt, comes running to him (screaming Moonshine!) and hits a low ceiling. Or even when Sirius slinks into his bed at night, skin purposely cold and says awful things like, 'you light up a fire within me. Melt me with your burning heat.' And even when Sirius has dirt smudges all over his face from his latest prank and decides the best way to clean them is to snuggle and snuffle into Remus's freshly laundered robes. Sirius's need for Remus goes beyond touch._

Remus truly hated prefect meetings. They were, in one word, absolutely pointless, especially when said prefect meeting was on a nausea inducing train. Especially when the nauseating train was also taking them home for Christmas  _holiday_ , and people were likely to be excited, running around, and singing carols on top of their voice. Holding a meeting in a private compartment about how to keep peace within the nauseating train was as effective at reducing mayhem as spinning on your head stark naked. It was also a lot less entertaining, and Remus wasn't listening to a word of it. He was quite happy staring out the open window, thank you very much. The cold wind hurt his face, but at least the noise deafened his ears enough to avoid listening to Tim Grey (the Head Boy)'s tragedy with first years and self exploding dungbombs. Luckily the cold also numbed his nose enough to avoid the stench; unlike Lily Evans who looked like she was hyperventilating and was practically glued to Remus in an effort to get fresh air. More than fresh air, what they all needed right now was a distraction. So it really was a lucky thing that Remus was dating Sirius Black.

It was also an extremely lucky that Black, bless his obsessive-hyperactive soul, was sticking out his head from the window two compartments across from them and waving like a mad fellow.

'MOONSHINE! I finally found you, my love.' Sirius grinned and blew a flying kiss towards Remus, a lascivious wink free of charge. 'Wait for me, my strawberry shortcake! I'll be right there!'

'Dear Merlin, Black and Christmas are the worst combination. Happens every year…as if he gets hash for Christmas presents or something,' Tim Grey complained, rolling his eyes. 'You'd think he actually  _enjoys_ going back to his family, what with that attitude.'

'Maybe you should go straighten him up, Grey,' Lily Evans suggested through watery eyes and a plugged nose. 'You're really good with authority and such stuff. Really… _please_ …otherwise it's a total menace…'

Grey swelled with pride. 'You're right, of course, but I think Lupin deserves to handle this before anything catastrophic happens. After all, Black is Lupin's…er…'

'He my fruit tart,' Remus replied stonily, earning chuckles from all the prefects who got the double meaning, followed by coughs after having let their guards down and noses open. Luckily, the compartment door slid open at that time and let some fresh air and a whole lot of energetic Sirius in.

'ANGEL CAKE!' Sirius cried, bounding in and unwittingly shoving Tim Grey out of the way. 'You were taking so long, so I though I would come fetch you. James and Peter joined in, too, and it took ages!' Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and practically pulled Remus out of his seat. He didn't need to; Remus would have gone quite readily. 'Anyway, we bought all your favourite sweets for you…the chocolate frogs, and the cauldron cakes, though we already ate most of the Bertie Bott's waiting for you, unless you want the bogey flavoured one? No wait, Pete ate that one…'

'Evans…' Remus called out before being literally dragged out of the room by the shoulders. 'Potter is waiting with an exploding rose bouquet.'

Evans's face lit up. 'Really? I-I must get going then! Sorry, Grey, a woman cannot refuse roses…even if they are from Potter. Thank you for ly-informing me, Lupin!' Evans dashed out of the compartment, with an unbidden cry of freedom.

Sirius frowned. 'How did you know James bought Evans roses?'

Remus looked at Sirius and blinked. 'I didn't.'

Sirius shrugged. 'Ah well, all for the better. With James getting hexed by Evans and Peter tagging along, we'll have the compartment all to ourselves. Right, my darling fudge cake?'

Remus wanted to rub his forehead from frustration, but realised that Sirius was holding on to his right hand quite tightly. 'Black, exactly how many pastry names do you know?'

Sirius looked at the ceiling thoughtfully and swung their clasped hands. 'Well, my uncle opened a French cake shop a couple years back and I used to go there all the time. You must have heard of it:  _Black Cakes_? It never worked out though. I wonder why…'

Remus raised an eyebrow, wondering if Sirius was joking or not. The boy looked, all for his name, deadly serious. 'Bla-' But before Remus could say anymore, Sirius pushed Remus forcefully into the nearest compartment and locked the door quickly.

'Sorry,' Sirius whispered, falling back against the door and pulling Remus closer to him. 'I-I really…I can't hold back anymore. Sorry, but-' Remus could feel Sirius's hot breath against the side of his neck as Sirius's left hand guided Remus's right down to his trousers. 'Can you…I-' Sirius's hand squeezed Remus's pleadingly.

' _Happens every year. You'd think he actually_ _enjoys_ _going back to his family.'_

Belts, buttons, trousers – Remus's hand worked on them with practiced ease as Sirius's breathing got quicker and heavier. Remus hadn't even touched him yet, but Sirius's teeth were already digging into Remus's shoulder and his hands clutching Remus's jumper desperately. As Sirius's pants slid down, Remus paused, just long enough to take in Sirius's flushed face before falling down to his knees.

Sirius's eyes shot open. 'Remus, what are-oh, shit!' There was dull thud of skull hitting metal as Sirius's head fell back against the door and his eyes scrunched tightly shut. 'Ha…ah…fuck…' Sirius's knees were wobbling, his entire body responding to Remus's mouth wantonly to a point where Sirius every cell, every pore was chanting Remus's name, begging for completion. It was quicker than usual, and Sirius's lust wasn't the only thing that seemed satiated, as he slid down to the ground to face Remus.

'I love you. I love you. I love you,' Sirius whispered, pulling Remus into a tight hug. 'I really, really love you. So…so…if it's not asking much…then fall in love with me, too. Care for me, want me the way I want you…I love you…'

Remus fidgeted. 'This is somewhat uncomfortable.'

Sirius moved away slightly, still holding on to Remus but keeping a bit of a distance between them. 'I'm being clingy; sorry. I know I shouldn't be d-'

'My shoe is stuck in your underwear.'

'Oh. Oh!' Sirius let go of Remus. 'I guess that wasn't my most suave love declaration, eh?' Sirius blushed as Remus handed him his pants and trousers. 'Thank you…for the pants I mean…and…'

Remus shrugged and flopped into one of the seats. 'Don't mention it. Really; don't mention it.'

Sirius grinned and for the first time since they boarded the train, it didn't look forced. 'Hey, listen, I got you something. An early Christmas present of sorts.' A flick of wand and something rectangular and badly packaged flew towards them. 'Black owls are trained to only deliver to purebloods, so I might not get a chance to send you anything.'

Remus stared at the package, wrapped in rumpled gold and silver. It was a miracle by itself that Remus could actually make out the shape of the original object, despite the ridiculously placed red bow in the middle. Sirius had probably tried to pack it by hand, Remus was sure of it, since being pureblood also meant Sirius was exceedingly horrid at anything related to household spells. Last time Sirius tried to cast a folding charm on his clothes, they'd all somehow ended up with their underwear sun drying on the school roof. Needless to say, no one in school wanted to know about Peter's fetish for interactive underwear.

'It's the picture James took of us in the library. Do you remember?'

Remus did remember, though he'd never seen it before now. Sirius had framed it quite nicely, and despite his silliness, it seemed that Sirius had rich taste in presents. The carvings on the wood were intricate and patterned so delicately that even Remus couldn't resist tracing them with his fingers. The smell of wood was still fresh and somehow, it reminded Remus of the library and the books stacked shelf upon shelf. The picture, unfortunately, was a whole other matter since Remus was half naked (his shirt was hanging off his elbow) and looked thoroughly kissed. It didn't help that Sirius's part of the picture was alternating between giving a variety of lewd looks and kissing him affectionately on the cheek.

Sirius smiled happily. 'We look good together, eh?'

* * *

Remus had known from the very start that it was a bad idea to come back home. The house had been in perfect condition the minute he'd entered: no growing mold in odd places, no piled plates on the sink, or even stray clothes on the rooftop. Not that Remus had been expecting it to be a mess like usual, since  _she_ was an official part of their family now. In fact, Remus was already expecting everything to be in perfect order, so it was only natural to be extremely irritated when, in the middle of fucking December, there was absolutely no hot water. To add to the irritation, Remus still had two more years to go before he was allowed to legally and magically warm up his bath water, or do any magic for that matter. The only person who was capable of doing magic in the household, however, seemed completely oblivious to Remus's predicament. In fact, he was sitting on the toilet seat, chatting to Remus like they were in a very casual tea party.

'How are you feeling? The moon's tonight, isn't it?'

Remus shivered. 'It isn't really that big a deal anymore.' It was the truth. Compared to ripping his own flesh and skin apart, taking a shower with cold water was much more torturous. Cold water could bring pneumonia and pneumonia could bring about sniffles, hacking cough, and baggy eyes. You would then eventually die choking on your own snot. It was quite troublesome, really.

'I'll be travelling tonight for work, so I might not be back until end of Christmas,' John replied, and Remus could see his outline shifting uncomfortably through the curtains. 'Fixing you up shouldn't be too much of a problem. I told your mother how to-'

'That's not necessary,' Remus said instantly and then caught himself. If he had to blame anything, it would be the cold water. 'That's not how I meant to say it. I'll be fine, so you shouldn't worry.'

John let out a bitter chuckle. 'Somehow, I feel you yourself don't know how far you've fallen.' Remus didn't really understand where the conversation was going and was too bothered by the soap in his eyes to think much about it. That is, until John said four incredibly simple words to get his point across: 'I saw the picture. The one in your room with that boy.'

For five whole minutes, there was nothing except the sound of water hitting skin and the steady breathing of father and son. Until finally, John decided to break the silence between them.

'What is it that you're trying to do to yourself, Remus? I haven't said anything so far…even when Dumbledore told me about that boy last year…and after that, but-'

John was agitated. Irritated. Peeved. Even without looking, Remus knew one of John's legs were bouncing up and down, shoe hitting tile like a Morse code declaring words of anger that couldn't be conveyed to Remus through speech.

'How many times? How many times are you going to repeat the same mistake again and again? There's a limit, Remus, and you're way past it. People are going to get hurt again, you especially.'

'It isn't the same,' Remus said stiffly, 'or maybe it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It doesn't matter, not really.'

The tapping grew louder. 'It might not matter what happens to you and it might not be the same, but both ways it's disastrous. This boy…what if he's serious?'

Remus snorted quietly and ended up with a nose full of water.

'What do you think will happen when he finds out?'

Remus turned the tap off; the water was too cold anyway. It wasn't like he needed to shower for this long. 'What do you want me to do, then?'

'Stop,' John replied firmly. 'This is what I want, but the end decision is always yours to make. 'Just make sure there are no bleeding wounds.' The tapping noise stopped, followed by the fading footsteps and the bathroom door slamming shut angrily.

Remus reached for his towel and winced when he felt a sharp sting across his shoulder. Circular bruises, dark blue and purple, where Sirius had buried his face into Remus with desperation and want. Oddly enough, they hadn't hurt as much before. Then again, nothing good ever came from a cold shower anyway.

The next morning, Sirius Black received a small, palm shaped gift box and a letter with three words written in clear black ink: ' _It's over – Remus"._ Four days later, Sirius ran away from home.

* * *

James was in unusually high spirits today. If asked for a reason, he couldn't point exactly why. It could be because they were coming back home after a visit James's to grandparents, who were the most wonderful people on earth. They were really, really old, and always gave James extra allowance and allowed him wine during dinner. Also, Grandpa Potter always said the most amusing stories about flushing his false teeth and living on beetles during a holiday trip to the Amazon. James's mother and father always rolled their eyes during these stories, but James always thought they were skillfully told. James reckoned he inherited some of Grandpa Potter's brilliant storytelling abilities, because his parents were rolling their eyes right now.

'And then, you know what she said?' James asked enthusiastically, not really expecting or waiting for a reply. 'She said,  _Potter, go die!_ Isn't she wonderful?'

Mrs. Potter smiled indulgently. 'That's lovely, darling.' She quickly turned to her husband and whispered forcefully, 'This is all from your side of the family! He's completely insane!'

'My side?' Mr. Potter practically screeched. 'That's definitely your mother right there!'

'Don't you start on-'

'Mum, there's a hobo on our doorstep!' James called out, quickly running towards the house. 'I think he's dead!'

'Jamie, don't go near him! He might be dangero-'

'SIRIUS!' James cried suddenly, recognising the face of his best friend beneath all the filth covering him.

Sirius really looked quite a state, broken, depressed, and with a heavy rain cloud above his head. No, really, there was an actual rain cloud above Sirius's head and it looked like it was going to start raining upon Sirius any moment. James wondered if the cloud would be considered underage magic by the Ministry. The rain cloud, however, was the least of James's worries. No, it wasn't the tiny silver loops on each of Sirius's ears, nor the incredibly bad stench of wet leather. It wasn't even the way Sirius was shivering violently from the crystallised water collecting on his eyelashes and nose. No; in fact, it was Sirius's hair that was the chief worrying factor. It looked like it had been chopped off by hand…no, not chopped, but burned. The ends were singed and brown; uneven, and too close to Sirius's scalp to be even remotely funny.

'I ran away, James,' Sirius coughed, looking up. 'I ran away from that bitch, so what do I do now?'

James blinked and looked back at his parents, who were hurrying over with worried looks on their faces. 'Well, for starters, we could go to the barber…'

* * *

_Remus likes muggle hospitals. They aren't bristling with magic or otherworldly things like Mungos, but the people are nicer. They don't look at you like badly, they don't purposefully push you or hurt you while passing by, and they never call you names that you're far too young to hear when you're only six. Remus likes muggles a lot, especially the woman at the table, who gave him crayons and papers to play with. Remus's crayons at home are down to stubs, but he doesn't tell John this because Remus is always causing trouble and he doesn't want to do that anymore._

_John and the doctor are talking inside and they're not particularly loud, but Remus is colouring right beside the door, so he hears everything. It's not like he understands what they're saying anyway; just that it's about him and that Remus hasn't perhaps been as good as he thought he was. So, Remus pretends he doesn't hear, keeps a straight face and sometimes smiles back at the woman like he's having a lot of fun. Remus has gotten used to pretending; he always pretends that the people around him are invisible. Sometimes he pretends that their voices are far away and the pushes and jeers don't mean anything. When he's locked up in the room, Remus pretends he doesn't exist, that the bedroom is just that - a bedroom with walls and a bed, and nothing more._

_'Mr. Lupin, the reason your son's memories aren't returning is because you're continuously trying to repress them. Changing countries, changing names; even his possessions! Is that boy even going to school?'_

_Remus didn't really go to school, but that didn't mean he was stupid. John teaches him everything, even when after he comes back home tired and sleepy. Even though John works really hard, he always makes time for Remus; just half an hour before bed time but Remus makes sure he learns everything perfectly. Only sometimes, John forgets to unlock the door, so Remus has to wait till morning to get out. It isn't too bad, since everything Remus needs, John makes sure is in his room. So Remus doesn't complain or protest even when John apologises, because Remus hates being troublesome the most and if ever John asks something of him, Remus will do it. Because it's John and John always takes care of Remus._

' _I'm not here for your opinion, doctor. All I want to know is if my presence will cause his memories to come back. That is all. If I'm there constantly, will he remember?'_

' _If I said yes, Mr. Lupin, are you going to leave this child? You've already robbed him of his identity; how much further are you planning to destroy him?'_

' _Just answer me! Will he remember?'_

_Remember? John had asked the same question to Remus: do you remember? And when Remus had answered no, he had looked happy, glad even. John had even smiled and said that it was good. That it was for the best, so Remus never really tried to remember. Besides, it hurt sometimes when Remus did try, like a headache but only ten of them all together._

' _Maybe…I don't know. Look, Mr. Lupin, it depends on the memory…the trigger…it could be your face, touch…I can't tell since it differs from person to person. It could happen that he never remembers his entire life.'_

' _Thank you. That's all.'_

' _Mr. Lupin, I'm asking you again to send your son to-'_

' _I don't mean to be rude, Doctor, but you know nothing about me or my son. You don't even know half of what happened…you can't even begin to imagine. So please, don't interfere.'_

_The door opens and Remus looks up to see his father standing over him, looking tired and weary. He looks incredibly sad and Remus knows again that this was his fault. So in return, he holds up the picture he drew and hopes maybe that it will make John a little happier._

_'Ah, is that me?' John asks, taking the picture and smiling kindly. 'It's lovely, but you gave me purple hair.' John laughs delightfully and folds the drawing carefully, before slipping it into his shirt pocket. 'Thank you.'_

_Remus nods, trailing behind his father as they walk back home. The picture - Remus hasn't completed it yet, but there had been a house as well, behind where John had been standing. The house looks exactly like theirs of course, and if you look closely enough, you can also see a little black figure on the window to the left where Remus's room is. The figure doesn't have a face, but it has red, slitted eyes and sharp vampire teeth – the scariest kind Remus knew to draw. But it isn't something to be feared – this scary monster with the red eyes. If you leave it in its room and ignore it like everyone else does, it won't ever hurt you…_


	8. Healing Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_If James were asked to personify Sirius Black with one word, he would choose 'loyalty'. Of course, he would have to think over it for a while, because 'loyalty' also receives tough competition from 'stupidity', 'impulsive', and 'short-tempered'. Still, because Sirius is his brother and James always likes to think the best of his family, James chooses 'loyalty'. Sirius is loyal after all; to everyone he loves and cares for. Sirius loves his house; not Grimmauld Place but Gryffindor. He is loyal to the point where once, back in first year, he spray painted his entire body in house colours (lion and all) and cheered on their Quidditch team completely starkers. Unsurprisingly, Sirius served a month's worth of detention for indecent exposure and was called 'Free Willy' (along with a variety of cock related names) for the rest of the term._

_Sirius also loves dogs; there is no explanation why but James reckons it's because Sirius grew up looking at the Black crest all his life and that itself was an engraving of two dogs. But this love for canines makes Sirius loyal to any sort of breed he stumbles upon, including the ones on the street that have foam gurgling out of their mouths. So it's really not that surprising that Sirius has a variety of dog-related merchandise; namely printed underwear, collars, and on occasions, puppy kibble. In fact, it wouldn't even be surprising if Sirius one day asked to sleep outside in a kennel or maybe on the foot of James's parent's bed._

_Sirius loves the Potters. Sirius has loved the Potters since the day James and Sirius first met. James had punched Sirius in the face for taking the red crayon first and as an incentive to hush up Sirius's temper tantrum, James's parents had bought Sirius a three scoop, extra large ice cream cone. James was left to watch while Sirius ate it; Sirius has worshipped the Potters ever since. Sirius has a strange way of showing affection though; often like a pup that brings in dead rats and old bones as gifts to his master. Only, Sirius brings in a lot worse. For instance, the cursed doorknob which charbroils whoever's hand touches it; or even the thieving hand which pick pockets compulsively from everyone within a hundred metre radius. Sirius learned better once he grew up a little; well, the dragon hide rug last year wasn't too awful and could even be called the better half of Knockturne Alley._

_Sirius loves his brother, Regulus. He doesn't show it because it's always cooler to pretend he hates all of his family, including the little ones. Besides, what sort of respectable, leather-wearing, motorbike- craving lunatic coddles their little brother? Or protects them when Walburga Black gets angry and starts throwing hexes and various other expensive antiques? James doesn't quite know to what extent Mrs. Black's tempers rise, but he knows Sirius (who seems to have inherited the insanity gene) and he's witnessed one Black Bitch Fight a long time ago._

_It was the first (and last) Black Christmas party James had ever attended, and he and Sirius were five while Regulus was only three. Regulus had been a shy child by nature and a little alone most times, so when he got bullied by his older cousins and came crying to Sirius, the big brother took matters into his own hand. Being three, Regulus hadn't figured out that his older brother, while quite sharp, wasn't the most rational of fellows. In fact, he was irrational to the point where he'd actually tried to fight all three of his cousins. All of them were of legal age, with wands, and the ugliest mugs James's tortured eyes had ever seen. Both James and Sirius came out so badly beaten that James was bawling his eyes out, and Sirius was scrunching up his face adamantly to make sure Regulus didn't think his big brother was a crybaby also. James got fawned over and comforted by his parents. Sirius got a colossal fit from his mother and a face full of upside down Christmas cake. As a treat for the children, the cake had been baked with twelve galleons inside them. One of those galleons had hit Sirius on the forehead so hard that he had ended up with a bruise that spelled 'Gringotts' and '1 Galleon' for nearly two weeks. Regulus cried, Sirius laughed, James cowered and thought that Sirius was a bit off his rocker._

_Sirius loves his brother; to a point where it reaches stupidity and irrationality. So much so that when Regulus confessed about his half-blood girlfriend this Christmas, Sirius tried to divert Walburga's anger away from his little brother by confessing he was gay. Yes, the Black heir was a homosexual; as bent as an old lady with a bad back, as gay as a field of butterflies dancing to the Sound of Music; as faggot-y as hot pink spandex and blue glitter. And to top the disgrace poll, Sirius was also_ _**a bottom** _ _. Dangerous hexes flew, Walburga lost her temper, Sirius lost his hair, and Regulus lost his brother. James was the older brother now and he was going to do the protecting._

_Sirius loves Remus. James didn't want to believe it at first. Technically, he had been confident that Sirius being gay was just a phase and that being with Remus would bring that to light. But Sirius is mad for Remus, would do anything for the boy if it was so much as requested. Sirius would even paint his face Slytherin colours or be civil to Snape for a day for Remus; and those were enormous sacrifices. Sirius loves Remus and this took James some time to register properly. But he understands now, and that is why, on a cold winter morning, the day before New Year's Eve, James found himself in the Lupin estate, eavesdropping in what was a severely uncomfortable conversation._

It was really silly to be crouching behind a bush like this. There was no need for it, since it was perfectly acceptable for James to wander into the Lupin house and say 'hello'. His mittens were getting cold and wet from the snow, and James no longer had any feeling in his legs. His knees were numb, if that were possible. It wasn't as if James  _enjoyed_ kneeling in the snow; he would have gone if it wasn't for Sirius and the dire situation he was in. Problem was, now seemed like an awful time to be interrupting a clearly sensitive topic of conversation.

'Remus, please just come inside and eat something. You don't have to be doing all this. I can…'

The woman was clearly Remus's mother, though James couldn't point out exactly what was similar about them. It was the same mother that got sick so often (nearly every month, in fact); but what seemed strange was that right now, Remus looked more sick than anyone else. Tired and worn, like he'd gone through some terrible ordeal and no longer had the energy to stand. James could tell, because Remus's left leg was trembling again. It also seemed like a very one-sided conversation, since the fifteen minutes James had been here, Remus hadn't spoken a word. Not even when his mother had asked him if he was well enough to stand, or if he wanted to eat something, or other myriad of naggy questions. For Remus, she might have not existed at all; the boy was looking right at his mother but not seeing her at all, as he casually shoveled the side walk.

And then, he spoke and the conversation got even more puzzling. 'Stop it,' Remus said, softly, sternly, coldly; all the adjectives that James associated with a sort of formal and angry speech. 'You don't need to do this anymore. I remember who you are; what you did…'

While all of this made very little sense to James, it seemed to have caught Mrs. Lupin completely off guard. She reeled backwards with a gasp and looked at Remus in horror. 'How…how much?' She was having difficulty forming the words and just moved her mouth without sound, like a fish out of water. 'How much do you…'

'Enough,' Remus replied brusquely, slowly turning on his good leg to shovel the other side. 'But don't worry. I don't blame you or think you're wrong. One's priorities are always different from the other.'

Mrs. Lupin was terrified. James didn't know what kind of person Remus was at home; he didn't even seem particularly dangerous now. But this was the first time James had seen a mother so afraid of her child, so afraid that her whole body was quivering and fat tears were rolling down her cheeks. So incredibly frightened that she was backing away into the house, almost running, as if she feared Remus would turn around sometime and decide he wanted her dead. Yet, to James, Remus looked like the same boy they saw in school, only sicklier and quieter.

'Is that alright?' James asked, finally having the courage to get out of the bushes. Or maybe he didn't want to risk his balls catching frostbite and falling off. 'I don't mean to pry, but she-'

'It's fine,' Remus cut in, 'How did you know where I live?'

James grinned sheepishly. 'Floo directory, but right now, I really need-'

'If it's concerning Black, then it would best that you leave,' Remus said turning to face James and resting against his shovel. 'I have nothing to do with him anymore; I'm sure you've heard.'

James stared at Remus, for the first time, gathering exactly what it meant when Sirius often said that Remus was fragile. James had never seen Remus look this weak before; even though there were no outward signs, the puffs of cold breath that came out in too quick successions were a dead giveaway. Remus's skin was so pale that the flush of his cheeks and lips were tinted crimson, almost like they were bleeding.

'The two of you may not be together anymore,' James said finally, fighting the urge to reach out and bodily carry Remus to a hospital. 'Still, it doesn't change the fact that we're still friends, or even that Sirius still loves you.'

'There's-'

James held up a hand. 'Sirius ran away from home. I won't say it's your fault because it isn't. I wish it was though, because Sirius's magic's gone out of control. If we can't pacify him, sooner or later, he'll have to be put in Mungos. My mum's a Medi-witch there.' James glared at Remus, challenging and adamant. 'There are only two people in this world that Sirius listens to and this time, it isn't me.'

For a minute, James was sure Remus hadn't listened to a word he'd said, simply staring into the world beyond James's shoulder it seemed. James's teeth chattered noisily from the cold, wondering if perhaps his speech wasn't as effective as he thought it had been. He should have written one before coming here, but figured that this being a Sirius emergency would be a good enough alibi for his incoherency.

Remus closed his eyes and let his shovel drop. 'I'm guessing you have a Portkey back or do you want to go by Floo.'

James did have Portkey, one that would have expired if Remus hadn't agreed in the next five minutes. Not that James hadn't been confident the entire time that Remus would agree. They might have broken up, but James had discovered a long time ago that Remus truly did care for Sirius, maybe even loved him. With a boy like Remus, you could never quite tell the specifics. It was also a very good thing that James held on to Remus's hand while they were spinning into the Potter Manor, because as soon as they'd stopped, Lupin stumbled and nearly fell. Luckily, James had reflexes that all women fawn over and he'd immediately pulled Remus into a tight hold before he managed to crack his head on the floor.

'What manly arms you have, Potter,' Remus commented from somewhere underneath James's armpit. 'It makes me swoon, but that could also be your body odour.'

James blushed furiously and let go. 'Mum, Dad, I brought Remus!' He called out, wondering where his parents were. He'd made them promise not to take Sirius to St. Mungos until James had brought Remus home for a last try. It wasn't as if Sirius had gone completely mad; he could still think on his own and James was sure the first thing Sirius would point out was that straitjackets were really not stylish this season.

'Upstairs, honey!' James's mum's voice called out, and James pulled Remus along upstairs, knowing that his parents were in the room next to Sirius's. 'Would your friend like some tea?'

'No, he's fine,' James replied, stopping in the room where his parents were seated and peeking in to give them a wink and a happy grin. 'You watch, mum, Remus will knock some sense into that stupid git and he won't have to go anywhere or anything. Right, Remus?' James turned to see that Remus hadn't bothered to wait for formalities or introductions, and was already entering Sirius's bedroom. 'I should warn you, you might get-' Remus ducked and a chocolate frog smacked James on the forehead. '-hit by something.'

'Black is as destructive as ever.'

Things are a lot calmer now, James thought he should say. After the sedative potion his mother had wrestled into Sirius, there were fewer things breaking and just odd bits and pieces of furniture flying around. Every so often, there's be a crackle of magic piercing through the air and James would have to cover himself wondering if he was going to die from an extremely strong jelly legs jinx. But a good few days with Sirius on potions taught James that most of the magic died very quickly, and he was safe as long as he dodged. Remus had grabbed on to the concept a whole lot earlier than James, and easily maneuvered himself through all the flotsam. At times, Remus would sway unsteadily on his feet as if about to faint, and James would hurry over to help. But half way through, he would get smacked on the face again, several time by Sirius's underpants.

'Potter,' Remus panted softly, sitting down on Sirius's bed. 'If you ever mention this, I'll kill you.'

James was about to ask exactly what 'this' was, but his parents had come at the door with worried faces and a lot of unsure questions of whether this was a good idea, which later dissolved into an argument about how James's mother always lets James do whatever he wants, no matter how ridiculous the idea. James also discovered that, according to his father, James's mum would let James streak all of London if he asked for it; a theory James was definitely willing to test. They'd gotten so distracted by their argument that it came as a bit of a shock when they'd turned to find Remus in bed with Sirius. Not  _in bed_ like James would like to be with Lily; more like  _on_  the bed. Sitting. Hugging maybe; if hugging involved having one on the lap of the other. Though it did look a bit like Sirius was just hanging limply over Remus like a ragdoll, rather than reciprocating like he usually did.

James's mum and dad stared. 'Oh, my.'

'Er…they're very close,' James explained, giving them his most convincing and 'good boy' smile. 'It's the latest trend among us kids, you know, to share secrets…and…er…laps?' James wondered if a woman who'd allow nudity in public would also allow homosexual relations in the house. He figured she would, though right now, he would have to say that his mother and father didn't look all that liberal; or coherent for that matter. 'I'll…er…just go over to him, shall I?'

The ruckus was slowing; there was still magic flying haphazardly through the air but it seemed to have calmed down a bit. Remus was murmuring something to Sirius, though James wasn't able to make out exactly what he was saying until he was standing right beside them, wondering if his excuses would be more convincing if he climbed on Remus's lap also.

'Sirius, stop it,' James heard Remus whisper. They were the same words Remus had told his mother a while ago, but the tone was different. Gentler, a little concerned and a little peeved; the way James's mother sometimes scolded him for trying fly without a broom. It was also the first time James heard Remus call Sirius by his first name.

James didn't know if Sirius realised this or not, but Remus's voice was definitely being responded to. Sirius's hands were no longer hanging limp at the sides, but coming up to embrace Remus, loose at first but steadily getting tighter and firmer. Then, Sirius whispered quietly, 'I tried. It won't stop.'

 _It won't stop._ Sirius had told James the same thing again and again, every time James had tried to help.  _Sorry, Jamie, I can't._

Remus sighed and rested his forehead against Sirius's shoulder tiredly. James carefully avoided eye contact with his parents; the things he did for Sirius.

'Sirius, I-' Remus closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He was obviously going to make a love declaration, and this was the worst time to make one. James's dad looked about to faint almost. And then, Remus delivered the final, shocking blow:

'Sirius, if you stop this right now, I'll let you fuck me.'

It stopped. Not just the uncontrolled magic, but James's heart, too. His parents let out a cry of joy and relief; obviously they hadn't heard a word of what Remus had just said.

'Does that mean…' Sirius stuttered, obviously in his own state of surprise or maybe bliss; who knew with a statement like that. 'Does that mean we're alright now? You're not cross with me anymore, yeah?'

'Everything's blurry,' Remus replied in a strained voice.

'I-I know. I know that it's probably a bit confusing to be with me and I know I talk a lot, but I don't really mean to hurt you. I really do love you, Moonshine.' James couldn't believe Sirius had recovered to his usual chatty-ness so quickly. 'I know you love me, too, even if you don't say it. You gave me those earrings and you came today. And I'm so glad you came 'cause I felt like I was-'

'Suffocating,' Remus whispered. 'Can't-'

'Breathe. Yeah, just everything that happened at home, and I'm so worried about Reggie, but I-babe?' Sirius shook Remus a little bit and then looked at James questioningly when there was no response (or sarcasm). 'Moonshine, what's wrong?'

'Oi, Remus, mate!' James grabbed Remus by the shoulder and shook hard, making Remus's head bump hard against Sirius's shoulder.

'Oi, don't be so rough with him, James!'

'You git, he's passed out! Mum, Remus-'

* * *

It was the first time Dorea Potter had seen one so young; and judging by the faint scars all across his body, this child had possible been living this way for an extensive amount of time, his whole life even. It was also very uncommon for children to be able to survive such an ordeal for this long, which meant that some part of this boy's family was trying their best to take good care of him. Their best, however, wasn't enough.

'Are you afraid?' the child asked, watching her prepare his potions with big, brown eyes.

No, they weren't quite brown; amber perhaps or an unpolished, dying jewel. Dorea wondered if eyes like this were part of the affliction or if they were genetic. She'd never seen such eyes on any other patient before.

'I've never hurt anybody,' he said softly, voice muffled by his pillow because he didn't even have the proper strength to sit up by himself. 'But if you wish for me to stay away from your son, I will.'

Dorea stared. This child, there was something strangely eerie about him; the way he said everything with such a straight face and dead voice. As if it didn't matter to him what happened; what she decided. 'Both my son and Sirius are obviously fond of you,' Dorea said finally, turning away. 'I trust their judgment and because you helped someone I care for very much today, I also trust you.'

She waited for a thank you, but was met with nothing but silence. It was a bit awkward, since she was used to two very noisy boys running around the house. Both James and Sirius were incredibly chatty and tended to play pranks on everyone, including poor, old Mrs. Holmes across the street. Dorea had only managed to get Sirius out of this room with the argument that his friend (though she doubted they were just that) needed some rest and he wasn't going to be getting any with Sirius mucking about. Sirius had finally left grudgingly when he'd received an enormous shopping list for the potions Dorea needed to make for the healing process (and dinner). This boy (had his name been Remus?) was quiet, too quiet for his age; too solemn, too mature. There was leftover childishness in his face, but his eyes were dull and hardened like a marionette on display in the shop window.

'Mum, Remus's parents are here.'

Dorea had been expecting Remus's parents to be different. She didn't know how; maybe she expected them to be werewolves too or maybe people who were just as stoic as their son. But the Lupins were very normal people; Mrs. Lupin was crying quite awfully and Mr. Lupin looked stricken, scared almost.

'Thank you for everything, Mrs. Potter,' Mr. Lupin said just above a whisper. He was definitely Irish, which explained the slight lilt in Remus's English. 'Is it okay if I talked to Remus for awhile?'

'Not at all.' Dorea smiled. 'Till then, perhaps some tea would calm Mrs. Lupin down.'

Dorea had no intention of calming Mrs. Lupin down, as rude as that sounded. In fact, she was planning to give the woman a sharp telling to. Tea was just an excuse and also an extremely good way to start what was going to be a very awkward conversation. Biscuits were always a good distraction from the tears that seemed to be pouring unstoppably down Mrs. Lupin's face.

So gathering up all her courage and taking a sip of her Earl Grey, Dorea started, 'Mrs. Lupin, I usually find it's not my place to comment on how other people raise their children, but I can't ignore your child's condition. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here.'

Mrs. Lupin sniffed and nodded into her tea. 'He hasn't been eating, not since the…you know. And I've been trying, but it's so useless. He never listens.'

'All children are rebellious, Mrs. Lupin. I can't even count the number of times I've had to chase after James on a broom just to get him to make his bed or wash his dishes.'

'It isn't like that with us. It's-' Fresh tears pooled and fell. 'My son hates me, and I can't even blame him because he has every reason to.'

Dorea tried not to look too skeptical. Mrs. Lupin was clearly overreacting; Remus was probably going through a teenage phase where he hated everything. Though, Dorea would have to admit that Remus Lupin didn't seem the sort who followed a lot of punk rock trends or turned to the colour black as a counter for depression. She'd witnessed everything that had happened today after all, and despite appearances, the boy seemed quite gentle and caring. To take Mrs. Lupin's words seriously was almost the same as saying Sirius and James (as thoroughly lovable as they are) were quiet, anti-destructive boys.

'I-I haven't been here for him,' Mrs. Lupin continued. She had stopped crying, but looked unsure of what she was saying. It was almost as if she was wondering how much would be considered safe to reveal and exactly how much she was going to trust Dorea. 'When Remus was six…I…things just got too much to handle. I really couldn't…' Mrs. Lupin bit her lip. 'I ran away…for a very long time. John's been taking care of him until last year.'

Dorea frowned. 'So, you left your son for eight years? I'm not sure I understand…'

It was a lie. Dorea understood perfectly what Mrs. Lupin was trying to say. But she couldn't comprehend how someone could leave their child for so long, no matter what he was or how hard it got. She couldn't even begin to understand how that child was feeling; to have been abandoned and then expected to reconcile after eight long years. Dorea doubted he actually hated her; he was probably too confused to even know what to feel exactly. At least, that was how she would feel and she thought that it applied to Remus too; no matter how stoic and unfeeling he seemed to her. It was only human after all.

'I've regret leaving, Mrs. Potter; you have no idea how much.'

* * *

Angry. John Lupin was unspeakably angry. 'Why haven't you been eating properly? Damn it, Remus, look at me when I'm talking to you!'

Remus looked up. He looked sick; John had only been gone four days and his son was reduced to fainting spells and a face that looked worse than shite. It was all  _her_ fault; John should have never left Remus alone with her. They didn't get along well; he should have known that Remus's stubbornness and pride would act up around her. Of course he wouldn't eat; for the past eight years, Remus had been one doing the cooking and now it was her.

'The transformation was just a few days ago; did you really think you'd be fine?' Again, no reply. Remus never talked much, never talked when it was most important. 'You should have been resting! I told you before  _I don't_   _need you_  to do all these ridiculous chores anymore! I know you don't believe me, Remus, but your mother's been worried sick and she really does love-'

'No, she loves you,' Remus cut in harshly.

She wanted a chance; that what she'd told him the day she'd appeared at their doorstep. She wanted a second chance to make things right. John had never planned to give it to her; not after everything she'd done. He had had every intention to turn her away, but didn't only for one reason: the two of them were still married. She'd run away after the accident after all, then John had moved away in a hurry, so their marriage in legal terms was still intact. If he filed for a divorce now, as a mother, she would get custody of Remus automatically until he was of age. Unless he could prove everything she'd done, which was more legal complication than he was willing to divulge in right now.

'You have a bad habit, John,' Remus spoke, his eyes piercing even from under the covers. 'You never get rid of the things you don't need and they end up just becoming trash. I always have to throw it out for you.'

'Remus, I'm not sure where you're getting at, but-'

'I'm saying that you can leave if you want to,' Remus replied, perfectly straight forward and as always, devoid of any emotion. 'She's waiting for you to realise that there's nothing holding you back anymore.'

John stared at his son, unsure of why Remus was saying such things and even how to react to it all. He'd realised a long time ago that things were slowly going out of control, slipping out of his hands and gradually creeping towards self destruction. Things were playing out exactly how that bastard Greyback had said it would on that night.

' _That little shit of yours is alive, but it isn't out of sympathy. I want you to watch him. Watch as your own son begins to despise his own filthy existence to a point where he himself will end this wretched life. You won't be able to stop him then. All you can do is watch and watch and watch…this is your curse, you fucking bastard.'_

John clenched his teeth. 'Remus, I'm not-'

'MOONSHINE!' Something incredible large and energetic bounded into the room, and flopped on the bed beside Remus. John was only able to comprehend a rather large label reading, 'Honeyduke's Finest', before his son was caught up (dragged into) a very indulgent hug by a certain black haired individual whose face John could not see. It didn't take a lot of intelligence to know exactly who it was. That picture had been burned into John's mind and into his worst nightmares.

It was that infernal boy. The one with the black hair and lewd expression.

The boy was also very, very, very  _bouncy._  The bed was bouncing, Remus was bouncing; the tense atmosphere from beforehand had already bounced right out of the window.'Oi, look what I got you. Chocolate. You like that, don't you? Mrs. Potter said you probably haven't been eating very well, so I thought you couldn't say no to chocolate, could you? You're real lucky you're ill, 'cause me and James would be telling you off right now for being such an idiot. How could you-'

John cleared his throat pointedly.

The  _boy_ turned and he looked positively delighted to see John; almost as if he'd seen Merlin himself. 'John, right? No wait; you're Remus's dad, so I should call you dad, too. No wait, dad's too common. Daddy? Father? Pops?'

John looked at Remus questioningly, resisting the urge to ask if the  _boy_ had been plagued by any recent illnesses. Madness perhaps? Remus simply shrugged and smiled.  _Smiled._ John could count the number of times he'd seen Remus smile on one hand, so for a second, he was completely caught off guard. He wondered if this manic, black haired, bastard of a boy was the cause of this smile and if it were wise to leave this boy in close vicinity of his son, in fear of life threatening injuries.

'John-' Remus looked about to say something important, but John cut him to it.

'Remus, I want you home for Easter. The sweets will go to waste otherwise. No arguments.' Almost instinctively, John's hand rose up towards his son's head, but he caught himself just inches away from ruffling Remus's hair. It wasn't wise; he wasn't supposed to…just in case. His hand trembled slightly and just as he was about to move it away, John felt a slight tug and then, brown, wispy hair between his fingers.

The mad-boy-bastard grinned. 'You seemed to have trouble reaching, so I helped.'

John looked at Remus, who looked equally shocked. 'Er…' John patted Remus's hair awkwardly, feeling a bit like he was petting a dog for good behaviour. Still, he couldn't deny that he was also a bit happy and relieved at the same time. 'I should be going. Before I kill your…er… _friend_  by mistake.' John wondered when would be a good time to stop patting his son's head. 'You can stay here till you get better, but drop by home before leaving for school.'

'You can stop now, John. It's alright.'

'Ah, yes.' John smiled and turned away, trying to turn a blind eye to the son of a bitch huddling into his son. He tried to tell himself that it was only because Remus couldn't sit straight on his own very well, so that wanker had to help him out a bit. John also tried to tell himself that the twitching nerve on his temple was from an allergic reaction.

'Why do you call your dad 'John'?'

'That's his name.'

'Well, I like him. Anyone who loves my baby is always cool.'

Just because John liked this boy didn't mean that he approved of him or of what Remus was doing. It also didn't mean that the boy was no longer a bloody enormous arse.

* * *

_The door creaks open and he stiffens, afraid. For a moment, his breath completely stops as if he truly believes that she won't notice him if he isn't breathing. He's been naughty again today, that's what mummy says;, only she doesn't say 'naughty' but a lot worse. She tells him he's evil, that he's a monster that people hate. He stood in front of the mirror for nearly an hour today and he didn't think he looked anything like a monster. He's watched monsters on the telly and they always look a lot scarier._

' _You're still awake at this hour?'_

_He heaves a sigh of relief. It's just daddy coming to check up on him. Daddy does that sometimes when he comes early from work or when he isn't fighting too much with mummy. Daddy reads him a story sometimes and even lets him sleep on his lap when he's having trouble going to bed. Before, mummy used to help him count sheep, but she doesn't anymore. It's a bit of a pity because he only knows up till fifty and he wants to be able to count to a hundred, because hundred is a brilliant number._

' _Aren't you tired? What did you do today?'_

_He's about to answer, when daddy, while stroking his hair, passes over a fresh bruise. He flinches and curses a very bad word (silently) when daddy notices._

' _What is this?' The lights flicker on when he doesn't answer and he is met with daddy's angry face and rough hands fingering the bruise on his temple. 'How did you get this?' Daddy is going to scream again, he can tell. He hates it when daddy screams because daddy looks scariest then. Daddy's eyes pop and his face goes red, and daddy's voice is always so loud and frightening, almost like daddy wants to hurt someone._

_So he tugs on daddy's sleeve and tries his best to not make him angry. 'It doesn't hurt,' he lies, hoping daddy will believe him. 'It doesn't hurt, daddy, so don't be cross with mummy. It's because I'm not a good boy anymore.'_

* * *

Sirius was in heaven. At some point in his sleep, Sirius had died and the Gods had taken pity on him and sent him to heaven. There was no other explanation for the sight that beheld him, so early in the morning; or for the harp music that seemed to be ringing in his ears, soft and golden. Sirius wondered if hearts beat that fast in heaven or if he was allowed to get an erection at the sight of gorgeous, beautiful, sexy angels. Angels that looked a lot like Remus Lupin.

Better still, angels that not only looked like Remus Lupin, but was also wearing a lovely red apron and pouring honey tantalisingly over a plateful of pancakes. The harps seemed to be escorted by trumpets and violins, forming a full blown symphony orchestra.

'Morning, Sirius!' If only heaven didn't also have James Potter in it.

'Oh, hello, Sirius,' Mr. Potter greeted cheerily over the Daily Prophet. 'It seems young Remus is quite the cook here. He volunteered to make breakfast; if only Dorea didn't have to rush off to work. She would have loved this.'

James nodded agreeably, shoveling a mouthful of his breakfast hungrily. 'Look, Remus made me broom-shaped pancakes. His cooking is really good.'

Sirius grinned goofily, framing the picture of Remus cooking in an apron in his heart and mind. It was a lovely heart shaped frame that would be used in the future for a variety of activities that ranged from adoration to perverted wank fantasies. 'He'd be the perfect wife, wouldn't he?' Sirius saw Remus's hand inching towards the sharper of the kitchen knives and quickly corrected himself, 'I mean, he's the perfect, er…manly sort of bloke who cooks. Cupcake, I love you?'

Mr. Potter choked on his coffee and broke into a coughing fit. Sirius wondered if perhaps the poor man had swallowed too much at once and was having that odd sensation of having coffee up your nose. He also wondered if your nose would get burned if the coffee was hot and exactly what it would feel like if it did. Would you be able to smell anymore?

A plate of egg and soldiers, with a cool glass of orange juice slid in front of him; exactly the way Sirius preferred his breakfast at Hogwarts. Remus himself joined a minute later with, thankfully, a pile of pancakes that looked made out of chocolate syrup and sprinkles. It was the cutest thing Sirius had ever seen, and he wasn't just talking about Remus though in a way he was. Sirius thought it was adorable how someone who acted as stoic as Remus always gorged on sweets. How everything had to have chocolate syrup or sprinkles or chocolate chips or even chocolate icing. It also extremely cute the way Remus ate his food; cutting everything into perfect little squares and then eating in quick successions. Most of the time, Remus always ended up with a chocolate milk mustache or whipped cream at the side of his mouth. It was practically routine and Sirius smiled affectionately when he saw a familiar blob of chocolate on Remus's upper lip. Without thinking, Sirius swiped Remus's lip with his thumb and licked it clean.

'Er…Sirius,' Mr. Potter stuttered, distracting Sirius from his rose tinted, Remus centric world. 'I'm not sure if your parents have done this with you, but I think that perhaps I should…' Mr. Potter fidgeted slightly in his seat as all three of them stared at him questioningly. 'You see, when a man loves…er…another man…he wants to…er…you know…'

'Have sex?' Sirius asked, tactless as ever. James slid under the table, as if doing a very cheap disappearing trick. Remus seemed very absorbed in his meal.

Mr. Potter, though turning steadily red at the roots, took a deep breath and continued. 'Yes, well…I'm sure you boys already know the mechanics, but…it's important to remember to use protection during such times. Just in case, you get the other preg-' Mr. Potter paused, looked at Remus, and then looked at Sirius. 'This is going to be more difficult than I imagined.'

 


	9. Scaring Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_There are a lot of things that Remus Lupin hates. Papayas are a good place to start because everyone knows papayas are a disgrace to mankind. The name 'papaya' sounds completely ridiculous; they smell like sweaty socks and taste like overcooked sweaty socks. How Remus knows the taste of overcooked sweaty socks, he is careful not to reveal, or remember for that matter. Bottom line is Remus hates papayas as much as he hates coloured sprinkles. Coloured sprinkles spoil the very essence of chocolate. Sprinkles are meant to taste like chocolate, look like chocolate, and essentially be chocolate. They are not meant to be bloody rainbows._

_Remus also hates his mother; almost as much as papayas and definitely more than coloured sprinkles. The only reason papayas rank higher is only because Remus considers the existence of papayas a whole lot more significant than hers. There are many reasons to hate his mother, some of them painfully obvious. Abandonment, attempt at murder, abuse, not essentially in that order. Horrible as they may sound, they don't really affect him as much since these memories are only recent and Remus doesn't really feel anything son-ly for her like he used to when he was younger. The real reason he truly hates her is John. John is one of the few people Remus doesn't hate, ranking somewhere around the category of Dumbledore and Michael Caine (because Michael Caine gives off that sort of respectable British air). John is one of the few people who need Remus to survive because by himself, he will light his hair on fire or get a sock stuck down the toilet and flood the whole house. No, that's not true; not anymore because Remus's mother is there to avoid such catastrophes. Truth is, Remus has begun to admit, is that Remus still needs John…_

_Remus also hates, absolutely despises Divination and Potions. Divination is a subject for absolute idiots like James and Sirius whose story making skills exceed the literary limits of well known authors such as Oscar Wilde and Charles Dickens. Remus remembers reading one of Sirius's assignments, which primarily involved a doxie invasion in the near future, ultimately leading to the fall and destruction of wizard kind. Sirius got an 'O' for his "visionary thinking", despite having spelled future with two o's. Potions is an entirely different story, since Remus neither considers it a redundant subject nor one made for storytellers. The problem with Potions was that Remus truly, quite genuinely sucked._

_But perhaps the most hateful thing to Remus was the full moon…_

The thing Remus hated most about patrolling the halls was finding arseholes like this. Arseholes who deliberately abused their prefect status to break curfew. Arseholes who chose abandoned classroom to bully students half their size just for a good bit of fun. Chiefly, arseholes like Lucius Malfoy and his posse who was currently nameless.

'Curfew ended an hour ago,' Remus said neutrally, sparing a glance towards the little boy pinned up against the wall. The child looked about to cry, as he looked desperately at Remus. Slytherin, Remus realised, looking at the crest on the boy's slippers. Attacking your own; Malfoy had really sunk low this time.

Malfoy, oblivious to Remus's disgust, smiled slyly, revealing truly hideous dental work towards the right side. Someone was obviously not brushing after every meal. 'Well, if it isn't Black's little faggot bitch,' Malfoy drawled, pausing theatrically to allow for his posse to snigger. 'Done getting fucked, so you decided for a bit of a walk, have you?'

Remus felt the urge to point out that he was the one doing the fucking. Then again, he didn't really need to say it; the other boy beside Malfoy knew it quite thoroughly. If only Remus remembered his name; it would make it much easier for a witty retort. Remus's memory capabilities extended only up till the other person's arse most of the times. Remus never forgot a good, firm arse and found that connecting said arse with the face made for easy identification. However, if in cases (such as this one) where there's little or no difference between the arse and the face, then Remus's memory fails him completely.

Remus was distracted from his thoughts of the psychological study of associative memory by a miserable sob. The child of course; Remus had almost forgotten that it was about time he played hero and rescued the boy. Sirius would have liked the idea of being a hero, Remus realised randomly; Sirius would have also wanted a cape and his underwear on top of his trousers. Being a hero wasn't the most attractive of jobs, but someone with a prefect badge like Remus was  _forced_ to do it.

'Look, Sid, Loopy's going to rescue you now,' Malfoy teased in a sing-songy voice, his face so close to the boy's that Remus could see his hair fanning every time Malfoy breathed. 'You ponces really stick out for one another, eh?'

It was going to be a truly hateful day, Remus realised, as he pieced together the puzzle of exactly what had been going on before he'd intruded. There was a first year Slytherin cloak on the ground that Remus hadn't noticed before and both Malfoy and his posse were standing unusually close to the boy. It didn't take a genius to figure it out; Malfoy might have had Narcissa Black but everyone knew he was a bloody sadist. Of course, the other Slytherin arsehole beside him wasn't all that straight, and swung towards fine younger boys. Remus should know; he had been one of those fine younger boys and had still managed to top the bastard. The winner in this situation was quite obvious.

Just the thought of it made Remus smile; a useful trick he'd learnt from Sirius since it made him look utterly insane when done at inappropriate times. Context always made such a big difference. 'The number of words coming out of your mouth is equal to the number of points I take from you, Malfoy. So please feel free to add a paragraph or two.'

Malfoy looked like he'd just been made to swallow a lemon. A cheer that sounded oddly like Sirius's resounded in Remus's head, and Remus made a mental note to stay away from Sirius's annoying influence for at least a week, or until Remus regained his sanity. The cheering continued as Malfoy harrumphed and strode out of the room noisily with his arse-boy posse, slamming the door behind him. The last creative insult Remus heard was 'Gryffindor bastard'. The two Slytherin arseholes were going to find out exactly how much of a 'Gryffindor bastard' Remus was once they'd discover the tentacles sprouting out of their unmentionables.

Remus was turning to head back to the dorms for a good night's rest when he heard whimpering. It wasn't the sort of whimpering Sirius did when he wanted sex; it sounded a bit more like a wounded animal or child.  _Ah, yes,_ Remus remembered the child he had just saved from filthy Slytherin paws. Well, it wasn't as if the child (Sid, was it?) was any of his business; Remus had done his job as the saviour, with his underwear respectfully complacent under his trousers. The boy could go on ahead to his dorms and sleep the trauma off like any abnormal eleven year old. This Sid fellow didn't really have to crouch in a corner like that and continue bawling his eyes out. It was a bit unsightly. Actually, it was also somewhat pathetic.

'You dropped your cloak,' Remus sighed, letting the dirty cloak fall on the boy's shoulders.

'Thank you,' the boy sniffed, keeping his face hidden between his knees while he wiped away the tears on his face. Remus wondered if now was the appropriate time to pat the boy's head or better still, just leave. 'They're always after me for some reason,' the boy continued, obviously still not wanting Remus to go. 'My friends usually look out for me, especially Brian…but I was alone today and… I just wanted a bite from the kitchens and…'

Remus patted the boy's head. It was incredibly awkward and felt almost as if Remus was also supposed to offer a biscuit and tell this Sid boy what a good chap he was. This was the sort of thing James or Sirius or any other human being other than Remus did well. This comforting thing; if it was a subject, Remus was a 'Troll'.

The boy's hands shook slightly as he fastened his cloak. 'That was really brilliant - the hex that you did.'

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

Sid smiled weakly. 'It was silent spell. I saw you cast it on Brody.'

Ah, so that's what arse-boy's name was. Remus would remember it for a solid week at least; that's how long the tentacle spell lasted and it was going to be a difficult task hiding it with robes. 'I'll teach it to you if you stay within curfew next time.'

Teaching kids wasn't all that troublesome; they were easily fascinated. A simple spell and the boy's face lit up like Remus had just shown him a magic trick. Then again, Remus had, but the point went across nonetheless. It was a bit like when Remus would teach Sirius a new destructive spell just to keep him distracted from trying out several different sugary names. Contrary to popular opinion, Remus did not appreciate being called a strawberry, mostly because strawberries had pits all across the surface and Remus took pride in having baby-bum smooth skin.

'Hello, Apple!' Trust Sirius to pick another fruit to suit Remus's skin better. 'Guess what?' Sirius yelled from the other end of the corridor, his feet echoing harshly as he ran. Remus didn't want to know why Sirius was running like his life depended on it, he really didn't; but when has Sirius ever respected his wishes? 'We did this really amazing prank. The explosion was brilliant of course, but it was a bit too loud. Filch is on our tails now.' Sirius grinned happily as if he and Filch were old school buddies playing tag; as if Filch hanging Sirius by his ankles was going to be the highpoint of Sirius's life.

'Come on!'

Remus did not understand how he'd managed to get dragged by the wrist, feet skidding across the floor, and back hitting the hard wood of a rusty old cupboard. Before Remus could hit Sirius hard up the head or at least make some scathing remark (because Remus didn't really do violence), the door closed and they were enveloped in complete darkness. It was really difficult to make remarks when you couldn't see the person you intended to make remarks to.

'This is fantastic!'

It was also very difficult to make remarks when the "remarkee" was an utter git. Also, by the time Sirius lit his wand, Remus had lost interest in remarking and was a bit more interested in "getting the fuck out of this dingy cupboard". Remus did not like small cupboards; a little because you couldn't fit a lot of clothes in, but mostly because being in them made him feel like an unsalted sardine.

'I've always wanted to hide in a broom cupboard,' Sirius ranted on, twirling and whirling, and touching things excitedly within the small confines of the cupboard. 'James and I usually always go for hidden alcoves or caves, you know, but this is so much more exciting. We can even snog in here, just like those cheesy romantic clichés!'

'Yes, well, this cupboard is not for brooms, I assure you,' Remus replied eyeing the neatly folded pile of lacy underwear in the corner. Having lived in an all bloke house and then dormitory for most of his life, Remus did not appreciate or trust underwear that had lace, bows, glitter, or any other kind of ornaments to decorate one's nether regions. It wasn't that Remus disliked women or what they wore. It was just that they really, quite severely turned him off. It was really for the best (and avoided any further damage to his sensibilities) if Remus kept his eyes on the ceiling, firmly looking at the white orb that-

_Daddy's bleeding. Daddy's bleeding. Daddy's bleeding. Daddy's bleeding._

_It's all his fault. He did this. He did this to daddy. He doesn't remember how or why; he only knows that the blood on his hands is daddy's. He loves daddy. He wouldn't do this to daddy so it must all be a very bad dream, like the one he sometimes has of a big scary wolf. It_ is _a bad dream but no matter how much he screams or how hard he digs his nails into his scalp and pulls and pulls and pulls, daddy is still bleeding._

' _It's okay,' he hears daddy say, even though it's not okay. Daddy keeps calling his name, wanting him to come closer, but he backs away to the farthest corner. He doesn't want to hurt daddy again. 'It's okay. I'm not hurt. Look at me.'_

_Over his own screaming and daddy's pleas, he hears mummy burst in. He hears her scream of horror and her frantic footsteps towards him. He hears her screaming, 'what have you done, you monster? What have you done?' And then he feels her hand smack against his face and he stops crying from shock. Mummy has never…_

_There's another smack and daddy yells at her to stop, his face looking pained and shocked at the same time. 'Lisa, that's enough! The wound's not deep! I can heal it…so let me handle this…'_

' _NO! I can't leave you with this…this…' Mummy has forgotten his name. She's so angry, her face is red and her eyes are popping out. There's a vein throbbing at her temple and she's the scariest he's ever seen her. Even scarier than the wolf in the dream._

' _You told me he's not dangerous, then what the fuck is this? What if he fucking kills you! I won't-'_

_It's his fault. He's bad. He's horrid. He hurt daddy and now mummy…_

' _Lisa, enough!'_

'Oi, Remus! Oi, we'll get caught, mate, stop screaming! What the fuck-'

_He got a toy from daddy today for being good. It's a little black dog, one that fits snugly under his chin when he's sleeping and he loves it more than any of his other toys. He wants to thank daddy for it and maybe earn an extra goodnight hug, which is why he tiptoes to daddy's bedroom in the middle of the night. He wants to call out to daddy when he realises mummy and daddy are arguing again, and his name is coming in more frequently than ever. It sounds almost as if mummy's chanting his name, like that spell he read about. The one where the mirrors in the darkness granted your darkest wishes._

' _He's all you think about now! Half the neighbours have left! We have people avoiding us, attacking us! He's not even allowed to go to school! But you're so fucking absorbed in-'_

' _He's our son!'_

' _Open your eyes! That is not our son! He's not even human and you can't expect me to believe otherwise after what happened the other day! You could have died!'_

_He freezes, tears already in his eyes. He didn't want to. He didn't want to hurt daddy. Daddy knows this, but he still sounds pained when he speaks to mummy, 'That wasn't his fault. He hasn't yet learned to-'_

'It's just a boggart! Remus, get a hold of yourself! Damn it, there's no space to move!'

' _Your son is dead! He's dead and it's time to face that! He died that night itself and there's nothing left of him. So it's time to move on and let go of this child. They only look alike, and it's time you realise that.'_

_Dead? Then who is he? If he isn't daddy's son, who is he? What does he have to do to be mummy's son?_

' _You need to choose. Your family, your friends, you life, or this pathetic imitation of a son you once had. Which will it be?'_

_He didn't understand any of this. He didn't understand why mummy looks so angry or why daddy looks so upset. He didn't want to go. He didn't want daddy and mummy to leave him. He didn't want-_

' _I…Of course it's-'_

' **Infligo!'**

* * *

Peter wondered if Remus was going to actually eat the chocolate cake they'd bought from the kitchens in his hospitalized state. Well, technically, they were going to pick him up from the infirmary and then go off to class, but still, cake for breakfast was best left for Peter to eat since it wasn't the healthiest of foods. Especially if things had been as awful as Sirius had looked. Peter had only seen Sirius this scared once, and that had been in Peter's house when they'd all watched the copy of  _The Exorcist_  Peter's muggle uncle had smuggled in from America. Even then, Sirius had been quite brave and only spent a week in James's parents' bed, unlike Peter who'd spent over a month with his parents. This time, Sirius had looked terrified, as he had frantically babbled about boggarts and knocking the love of his life out with his own two hands (plus a wand).

'So, to put it in the best way possible, his old memories are being regurgitated,' James continued the confusingly, complicated conversation he and Sirius were having. Peter really didn't understand much of it and through a mouthful of pumpkin pie, he only caught snatches of words. It wasn't that Peter was stupid; he knew exactly what was going on. He just didn't know the specifics.

'Yeah, that's what the old bat was whispering before she caught me anyway. Merlin, Jamie, it must have been some really fucked up memory. I was scared out of my bleeding wits. Even McGonagall forgot to give detention after she saw the blood…'

Sirius had mentioned Remus's nose bleeding yesterday and had been really worried about it being fatal. James wasn't all that great at comforting people, despite being one of the greatest wizards on Earth, according to Peter. Every hero had their drawbacks, Peter supposed, and James's was his un-adeptness at sympathy. So Peter told Sirius that he had gotten punched in the nose quite a few times before, twice by Linda Freeman for trying to look down her blouse. However, it had never really hurt all that much; in fact, his nose had gone quite numb. The only discomfort Remus would have felt, Peter pointed out helpfully to Sirius, was the bad taste of blood in his mouth since Remus that time had been screaming in horror (which usually involved open mouths).

'You're lucky she did. Out of curfew, exploding dungeon, and knocking out a respectable member of the Hogwarts Prefect Society. You would have been scrubbing toilets till you're ninety.'

Sirius rubbed his red, sleep deprived eyes. 'What do you think happened though? I mean, what's his boggart supposed to mean? Is he scared of the future or something?'

James shrugged. 'Personally, I don't think it was a crystal ball, mate. You must have seen it wrong.'

'There is no fucking way I'm wrong. It was a crystal ball – round, misty, and white.'

Peter chewed thoughtfully. 'Why not tea leaves? They predict a lot more deaths than crystal balls.'

'I don't fucking know, Peter!' Sirius burst out, running his hand through his hair from frustration. 'Maybe it's really difficult for the boggart to turn into tea leaves!'

Peter figured Remus wouldn't be that scared of crystal balls if he were to actually take Divination. Professor Comet was a bit batty with her predictions and had an odd fetish for hippogriffs and natural disasters. Peter, by now, was supposed to be trampled, eaten, bitten, beaten, shat on, sat on, and even sexually molested by various species of hippogriffs. The last one had Peter refusing to go out on the grounds for nearly a week until Sirius and James threatened to put him on a strict diet. The point was, the only prediction that scared Peter out of his wits was made out of tea leaves and not a crystal ball. So, really, Remus had nothing to fear. This is what Peter thought he should tell Remus as they entered the infirmary. But decided he'd do it later when Sirius pushed through the curtains hurriedly and enveloped Remus in a bear hug.

'Hey, babe, we got you some cake.' Peter handed the cake over reluctantly. Remus needed it more than Peter did anyway. Sirius's worries hadn't been completely unfounded, though a bit exaggerated. Remus didn't look injured or ill; just a little tired. His hair was a bit of a mess and he looked like he hadn't slept a wink all night, which was odd sine he'd been out cold. Still, what other explanation could there be for Remus's bloodshot and puffy eyes?

'Hey, look, you got chocolates!' Peter pointed out excitedly, noticing the small basket wrapped in neat, transparent paper and a dark green bow with the Slytherin crest at the end. There were small chocolates of all shapes, filled to the brim!

'Someone came to visit before us?' Sirius asked suspiciously, eyeing the basket of chocolates as if it was some kind of bomb. 'When?'

Remus shrugged, not even bothering to look. 'I don't know. You knocked me out for twelve hours.'

"There's no card," Peter noticed as he tore off the paper. They weren't chocolates Peter had ever heard of and Peter knew all of them as well as he didn't know the Potions Elemental Table. The wrappers were similar to the ones sold in Honeyduke's, but instead of the traditional honeycomb crest, it had a signature that read:  _Love, Sidney Xiang_. Peter wondered if perhaps the chocolates were Chinese, which was a bit odd because Peter didn't know the Chinese made chocolates. It made sense since everything else was 'Made in China', including a lot of Peter's favourite socks. Personally, Peter preferred German chocolates.

James inspected the green bow that had held the wrapping together. 'They're probably dodgy. You shouldn't-'

Peter popped one in his mouth and immediately felt ready to puke.

'Eat it. Ah crap,' Sirius groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead, 'it better not have been laxative or something.'

'There's vomiting solution in the lower cabinet,' Remus suggested helpfully.

'I wonder if he'll sprout a tail or something.'

'It's coconut.' Peter spat out finally, wiping his tounge on his handkerchief. 'I hate coconut.' Why would anyone want to put coconut in good chocolate? Maybe it was a Chinese thing?

Sirius rolled his eyes and focused all his attention to Remus again. It was a miracle that he even looked anywhere else to begin with, to be quite honest. Sirius doted over Remus a little more than necessary, especially after the Christmas holidays. Not that it was a bad thing; all of them were used to things like this and worse, but it had to be a little bit uncomfortable for Remus. Like right now, Sirius was leaning his forehead against Remus's and staring into his eyes intensely. Which meant that to look back at Sirius, Remus would have to look up cross-eyed and Peter's mum said that if you did things like that for too long, you'd remain cross-eyed for the rest of your life.

'You're still so pale, love. Maybe shouldn't go home this month.'

Remus hummed, but didn't say anything. He moved away slightly, so that the only contact they had was Sirius's hand stroking Remus's hair. James must have been having the same train of thought as Peter, about cross-eyes and discomfort, because he was frowning really hard at Remus.

'I don't know why you bother,' James said finally, shrugging and falling back against the bed so that he and Remus were sharing pillow. 'See, if it was me, I wouldn't go through the trouble of visiting someone I hate and I know you hate your mother. Am I right?' James looked at Remus challengingly. 'Mum wouldn't tell me but I heard her talking to dad. Your mum abandoned you, didn't she?'

'James, shut up!' Sirius yelled out suddenly, looking ready for murder. Peter moved away slightly. He hated when James pushed Sirius's buttons like that. It didn't happen very often and James usually did have a reason for it, but that didn't make things any less unpleasant. Besides, this time, Peter would have to side with Sirius no matter how great James was (because he was the greatest ever). Saying things like that about Remus's mum was below the belt. As usual, the only person who seemed completely unaffected by James's statement was Remus himself.

It only caused James to poke further, much to Peter's displeasure. 'So you're either an idiotically nice person or you're lying about your mum being sick to cover up for someone else.'

Sirius's fist rose up and Peter closed his eyes, expecting an impact. When sufficient punching time had passed, Peter opened his eyes to see Remus holding Sirius's right hand by the wrist and looking at James squarely in the eyes before answering with a simple, 'Yes.'

'Which one?' James asked, ignoring the glares Sirius was shooting him.

'Whichever you want it to be,' Remus replied mysteriously, letting Sirius's hand go. 'Sirius, will you help me with my clothes? I don't want to be late for class.'

Sirius stood up, his teeth clenched and fists looking ready to hit if James so much as opened his mouth. The atmosphere was tense, too tense for Peter's liking. Tense atmospheres and Chinese chocolates were really the worst combination. So Peter said the most comforting thing he could find: 'we had to lie once too when my uncle had dung fever. It was really embarrassing every time someone asked how his bowel movements were coming along…'

By the end of the day, Peter discovered that dung fever was actually called diarrhea and that those chocolates weren't Chinese at all...

'Merlin, Slughorn was such a pain today,' Sirius groaned, walking backwards down the hallway so that he was facing them while he talked. 'I can't believe we actually sat through Double Potions without blowing anything up.'

Peter didn't think it was Slughorn's fault as much as James and Sirius's. After James's rude statement in the infirmary, Sirius had been on non-talking terms with James for the rest of the day. In fact, he had been too angry to talk to anyone, even the Professors, and didn't call Remus his 'Pumpkin Pie' even once. It didn't really make much of a difference since James was in his thoughtful mode and sat for hours on at a time, simply thinking about something or the other. James hadn't gotten slapped even once by Lily Evans since morning, which was a real shocker. Peter had been left in a rather awkward silence, wishing Remus Lupin talked just a little bit more.

'At least we got Snape's hair to glitter like a rainbow,' Peter offered as consolation. Truthfully, the brilliant glitter plan had been his idea; a sort of sneaky plan to get James and Sirius back to their usual selves. It had worked quite brilliantly of course, as most of Peter's ideas did.

'My libido isn't satisfied with kindergarten pranks. I need excitement, I need some real action. I need my dumpling to give me a blowjob!' Sirius held Remus's hand in his and gave a suggestive wink.

Remus took back his hand. 'Please refrain from using dumpling and blowjob in the same sentence.'

Peter honestly hoped no one had heard that; Sirius could be a bit loud sometimes and it always got them into trouble. Not that James and Sirius didn't appreciate a good bit of trouble. So, Peter looked around carefully and found himself smiling when he spotted a group of first years urging on one of their members to obviously ask out someone. They were an odd group – two Slytherin and a very surly looking Hufflepuff who looked ready to kill. Except for the Hufflepuff, Peter could hear the other boys saying things like, 'you can do it, mate!' and 'go for it!'. Peter wondered who the lucky little lady was. It reminded him of the days when James would urge Peter on to ask all kinds of girls out. They were good times until Peter got kicked in the balls and was traumatised for life.

'Actually, please refrain from using blowjob in a sentence, if that's possible for you.'

'Sorry, Jamie, but when you have such a gorgeous bo-'

The little Slytherin playboy had somehow made his way to them, panting slightly even though he hadn't been running. Peter wondered if the boy needed girl advice. Despite having gotten kicked in the balls, Peter really did have quite a bit of charm with the ladies.

'Excuse me…er…Remus…?'

Remus? For girl advice? But he was gay! That was like asking McGonagall for pole dancing lessons!

'I…er…hello…' The boy shifted nervously from one foot to another, rubbing his neck, ruffling his hair, twisting his hands. 'I don't know if you remember me, but…er…'

'Sid,' Remus replied plainly, earning confused looks from James and Sirius. Behind "Sid", Peter could see two to his friends looking at them curiously, as if waiting for an explosion to happen. Peter wondered if they were setting up a prank. They didn't look like very naughty boys; but then again, neither did Remus, and he often came up with ideas that could burn the school down. Not that Remus would ever admit to it.

'Er…thank you for the other day,' Sid smiled shyly. 'What you taught me, it was really useful and er…' He looked back at his friends and took a deep breath, 'Remus Lupin, I really, really like you, so will you please go out with me?'

Sirius burst: 'WHY YOU LITTLE SLYTHERIN SLIMEBALL-!'

It took both James and Peter to hold Sirius back by his armpits, since Remus looked a little too surprised to really react much. Then again, Remus never really reacted much; did that mean Remus was constantly surprised? For some reason, the thought made Remus a lot less scary and it certainly explained a lot of things. Remus wasn't sombre; he was just very easily surprised with life.

'Merlin's sake, Sirius, he's just a kid!' James yelled, dragging a squirming Sirius back with a lot of difficulty. The whole corridor was watching them now, thanks to Sirius's outburst. 'He probably hasn't even grown balls yet!'

'I have to!' Sid yelled, blush rising to his cheeks and hands clenching defensively. 'And I'm more of a man than Black is! At least I'm not wearing animated underpants!'

Sirius  _was_  wearing animated underpants; he almost always did but only the people living with him knew that. But in the process of saving the little boy from possible Sirius injury, Peter and James had managed to drag down Sirius's trousers just enough to reveal a good deal of Sirius's favourite pair of boxers. They had dogs zooming around on their brooms. For food measure, Peter had always found them rather lewd.

'At least I have a sizeable prick, you little piece of-!'

'Yeah, the size of your pinkie maybe!'

That earned a good few laughs from everyone, some even making jokes about "black's manhood" on the side. Peter noticed Sid's friends cheering from behind; well, except the surly Hufflepuff. Then again, Hufflepuffs were always somewhat odd. Maybe the Hufflepuff wanted to confess to Remus first, but Sid beat him to it? That was a good possibility.

'I'll fucking kill you…I swear, I'll-' Sirius's face had turned so red, it looked like a volcano…no, a tomato ready to erupt. If looks could kill, this little boy called Sid would have been dead, fifty times over. The only thing that stopped Sirius from continuing his death agenda was Remus's calm, impassive voice.

'Sid,' Remus said slowly. For some reason, Remus wasn't really looking at Sid but at the surly Hufflepuff. Did Remus realise it too? Was he going to avoid having a possible three way fight? Peter didn't mind fights as long as he got to stand behind James. First years nowadays were right dangerous. 'Come back again in five years and I might consider it.'

Sirius's jaw dropped open. James burst out laughing and Peter didn't quite get the joke, but decided that if James was laughing, it was meant to be funny. In fact, James was laughing so hard that he nearly let go of Sirius's murderous hands.

Sid, on the other hand, seemed delighted 'Really? It's a promise then?' he asked, and Peter had to wonder if all children had such bright shimmery eyes. Maybe they dulled after you hit puberty to compensate for the increase in size of you-know-what.

'Will you seal it with a kiss?'

Wow this kid was really bold. Peter had only ever seen Remus look this amused when Sirius had been limping for two whole days after a Quidditch accident. Peter didn't know the specifics of the accident; he hadn't even known they'd been having practice that night. He felt awfully bad for his friend though; Sirius was so hurt he couldn't even sit without wincing.

'Come on, Remus, don't break the brat's heart!' James urged on, laughing over Sirius's outraged yelling.

Remus raised his eyebrow in a way that looked incredibly cool and bent down to level with little Sid. It took a while for Peter to register that Remus was offering his cheek as the promise-sealer. It took even more time to register exactly what happened when Sid grabbed Remus's face suddenly and planted a solid smack on his lips. Everyone who had been teasing and laughing so far shut up, the Hufflepuff looked surlier than ever, and Sid walked away with a smug grin on his face and a 'thank you' and 'Brian, did you see that?'

'How unusual,' Remus commented idly, straightening up, 'he uses cherry flavoured chapstick.'

Peter wondered if Remus had done that purposely just to irk Sirius because it worked wonders. Sirius was throwing a conniption fit and if it wasn't for James holding him by the left elbow and Remus holding him by the right, Peter reckoned Sirius would have murdered little Sid in ways that would even appall Azkaban's Dementors.

'I'll fucking kill him! I'll spank his little sorry arse to the grave! Good ol' pureblood punishment will suit him real fine!'

It was honestly very hard to imagine Sirius getting spanked by anyone, pureblood or not. It was a bit funny actually: the thought of Sirius rebelling against getting his arse spanked by his mother. Peter wondered if that was really how purebloods punished their kids and if it was, Peter was glad he only got sent to his room.

'And you, Remus Lupin, don't think you're getting away innocent, letting him kiss you like that! Exactly what did you teach him that was so useful, eh? Remus, don't laugh! Oi, I'm being serious here!'

Peter thought it was a bit of a fun day overall. Not all that normal, but then again, that was the great thing about hanging with James, Sirius, and Remus. There was always something to do and it always involved a decent amount of exercise. Peter had to maintain his manly physique and all, after all.

'Don't think I'll forgive you if you hold my hand all nicely like that! Remus!'

Still, Peter couldn't wait till he got back to that lovely basket of chocolates waiting for him in the dorms. What was the chocolate called again? _Sidney Xiang?_  Oh.

Oh…

Sidney Xiang...it shortened to Sid.


	10. Crying for Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_Bad days are not uncommon in a person's life, even if said person is the cheeriest member of the Black family. This, under no circumstances meant that members of the Black family were cheery; it just meant that if there were to be a "Cheeriest competition", there would be only one winner. If you still haven't caught on; then no, it isn't Walburga Black or Narcissa Black, though Andromeda might come a close second. It is none other than Sirius Black, whose cheery mood is just as quickly dampened by bad days as his mother's not so cheery moods are dampened by bad days. Yes, the dampening is quite severe, and often has symptoms like colossal fits; screaming in ranges only dogs and bats are capable of hearing; extreme (but temporary) dementia; and possible loss of limbs of the other party._

_Sirius remembers his very first bad day. It was the day he first saw his mother's face. Some would say it would be much easier to just say "the day he was born"; but unlike most normal children, Sirius saw his mother's face for the first time when he was one. Till then, the only person/living thing he'd seen was their house elf, Kreacher, who Sirius did not have the capacity to hate back then. His father then (just as he is now) was constantly travelling to one country or another for business purposes (and international whores). Kreacher, Walburga Black had thought, was a lovely caretaker, until she overheard her eldest son saying "I is plays with me's toys like a good boy, or else I's will be having to iron me's hands again." Despite taking drastic action, Sirius's occasional habit of polishing the family silver possessively did not go away until he was three and one of the neighbourhood children called him a "Gollum". Sirius didn't know what a "Gollum" was, but decided on it being a bad word on a bad day and threw the child off his swing. After that, the day didn't seem too bad anymore._

_Another bad day Sirius still remembers is the day he first met Severus Snape. Back then, James Potter and Sirius were already the best of friends, and both of them had noticed Severus Snape's greasy hair. James had already deemed Snape as an enemy on the train itself because "the greasy git has no business hanging out with that fiery beauty. He should just give her up…to me". Sirius wasn't as racist and didn't think Evans was much of a beauty, to be quite honest. In fact, he'd seen the Headboy walking across the hall and could confidently say that he was a lot more beautiful. Not as beautiful as Sirius of course, but Lily Evans couldn't even step foot into Sirius's category of beauty. So really, Sirius had no issues with Snape at all initially, except for the greasy hair. But that wasn't a hateful issue; it was more of an issue where Sirius wanted to wring Snape's neck and tell him to fucking wash his hair before Sirius shaved it off for him._

_Snape became Sirius's mortal enemy in second year during Potions class when both of them had been collecting ingredients from the cupboard. Sirius hadn't even done anything, but Snape had rudely stepped on his toe and told him to "tell that bastard Potter to get his arse out of his head and not fuck up his potion this time." Now, insulting James, Sirius's best friend since they were in nappies, was somewhat tolerable. But deliberately stepping on Sirius's expensive designer shoes and ruining top class dragon hide leather like that was taking things too far. It was akin to starting a Wizard World War, and that's exactly what happened after that. Since then, Sirius has strung Snape by his underwear, tripped him, hexed him, exploded Snape's potions, and even attempted to have Snape's balls change into rainbow colours multiple times. Unfortunately, Sirius never got the right aim for it and ended up with Snape's penis changing colours instead...twice. Not that it was any less funny. Those two days were good days until Snape spelled off Sirius's lovely hair._

_However, Sirius still considers his ultimate bad day as the day Remus broke up with him and the day he left home for good. It isn't that he was actually upset by the concept of leaving home, but the accidental haircut he'd received in the process was hideous to a point where it was nearly painful to look at. Thank Merlin for James and his forceful ways (namely dragging his by his shirt collar) of getting Sirius to a proper salon to get his hair fixed. Little did Sirius know back then, that his ultimate bad day was still yet to come..._

Sirius saw the signs of a potential bad day early on when Remus refused to have sex with him. Not that it was Remus's fault of course, because Remus, Merlin bless his lovable and darling soul, had truly had a hard day. Double classes with the Slytherins and Prefect duties until late would tire anyone out, and Remus had already been looking slightly peaky in the morning. So it really wasn't Remus's fault that he turned his face away when Sirius tried to kiss him in bed, or that he'd fallen asleep just when Sirius had managed to undo that irritatingly confusing knot of drawstring and get rid of Remus's pyjama bottoms. Still, lack of sex when sex was somewhat needed (because trouser tents were really unsightly, not to mention painful) was always considered a bad sign.

The bad sign continued to the next morning when Sirius lost his toothbrush to the toilet and nicked himself during shaving his sorry excuse of a moustache. He then spent the next fifteen minutes trying to remember the right spell to heal himself, in the course of which he lost enough blood to start a successful bank of his own. In the end, Sirius settled for a band-aid on his chin. The positioning made him look enough of a spectacle, but the band-aid was also aloe-scented and had little puffskins drawn on them. Peter's mum had sent them for the numerous times Peter fell on his face; this was all the way back in first year. Sirius (too stubborn to ask anyone else to do it for him and admit to not knowing a simple healing spell) settled for trying to look cool with puffskins wiggling their bottoms on his face.

To add to his bad day, Remus hadn't talked to him at all since they woke up save for that one time at the breakfast table when he said, 'Black, please take your foot off my crotch.' That was sex dismissal number two, and Sirius just knew the day was going to get worse. He just hoped that the bad luck didn't continue to the Quidditch match Gryffindor had today. The match was against Hufflepuff and losing against them was a whole lot more humiliating than balls of dancing puff on his chin.

'Sirius, gear up in fifteen minutes!'

_Sirius,_

_Come home. I'll talk to mum. I'll tell her the truth. That you're not gay and you were only lying for me. Please, come back. Everyone's started to talk about what a disgrace our family is and mum's going completely mad. She wants me to join this group in school – they practice Dark Arts in secret and I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to. She really is starting to scare me a bit._

_I'm sorry. Come home._

_Regulus_

'All right, team, listen carefully! We keep flight to-'

Sirius wasn't going to reply back to the letter. Regulus never should have sent the letter in the first place, today or any day. It was Sirius's fault Regulus was like this; this weak willed little child who needed his big brother for everything. Sirius loved Regulus; he wanted Regulus to love him because no one else really did in that family, but things had gotten overboard and Sirius love and protectiveness had somehow paralysed his little brother.  _I can't, Reg, not anymore._ The Blacks were nothing but a last name now, and involving Regulus after cutting ties off would mean potential disaster. Sirius would be okay, but Regulus wouldn't survive it; he wasn't strong enough or even old enough.  _You're not a child anymore. Stand up on your own now. Your big brother's dead._

'Smith, the Snitch is probably going to be-'

Sirius crumpled the letter into a ball, hand clenched into a tight fist and ready to throw it out. Except that the fist was really too tight and unwilling to let go, no matter how destroyed that tiny piece of parchment was.  _Shit_. Sirius let out a frustrated sigh and leaned his head against his bloody reluctant fist; he could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on.

'It's just Hufflepuff, mate. You don't have to pray that hard.'

Sirius looked up to see James smirking down at him in amusement and immediately stuffed the letter in his pocket. 'Ah, you know, I was putting in a bit about world hunger; humanitarian causes and the like.'

James laughter didn't last long and quickly became serious as he shoved Sirius's Sabbath 240 towards him. 'Look, Sirius, whatever's on your mind, you either deal with right now, or you shove it aside for later. I won't have you distracted during the game.'

Sirius huffed haughtily and stood up, all Black pride and honour. 'When have I ever been distracted during a match?'

'You will be today,' James replied mysterious and left Sirius to stare at his back wondering exactly what that meant.

'Oi, what does that mean?' Sirius called out, following James. McGonagall's announcements of rules and proper conduct echoed through the halls, and Sirius could see the other Gryffindor players shifting around in excitement. 'Oi, James!'

' _We have strong contenders today, my friends! On one side, Hufflepuff's Captain, who's been known to…'_

James stopped suddenly, making Sirius bump into him. 'Sirius, you're going to fly into rage either way, so it's better if I tell you rather than you finding it out when you get on the pitch…'

Sirius wondered if James was using 'fly' as some sort of funny wordplay, and then remembered James didn't really do witty jokes.

'Sirius-'

' _Gryffindor's captain_ ,  _James Potter! Followed by-'_

Whatever James intended to say was drowned by the loud cheers of the crowd as the whole Gryffindor team walked into the main pitch. All Sirius heard through all the applause and the roaring of a ridiculously large poster of a lion was 'ton' and 'ear'. The half heard words sent Sirius's mind reeling even more than Regulus's letter. What would set Sirius off, according to James? Ton? Had someone called Sirius fat or maybe Sirius's ears stuck out too much? Maybe they'd increased the weight of the bludgers without Sirius's knowledge; or maybe…

' _On your brooms!'_

Sirius's thoughts of wearing a wool cap next time to cover his 'slightly' large ears were interrupted by a bludger threatening to break his wonderfully straight nose. Not that Sirius was complaining; being on the edge of death or rather, being on the edge of breaking your nose always sent a thrill of exhilaration through Sirius. It was probably the greatest thing about being a Beater; to be able to fly at breakneck speeds and channel all your excitement into hitting something at even greater break-spine speeds (because everyone knew spines were a lot harder to break). Nothing could break Sirius's concentration, no matter how fat James called him or how far his ears stuck out. Nothing at all.

' _Saved by Gryffindor's beater, Sirius Black, and James Potter pulls a spectacular move across the…'_

Sirius was confident of this 'nothing' for nearly half the game (where Gryffindor was winning spectacularly), until he saw a very, very, extremely familiar face. A face so irritatingly familiar that it Sirius 'flew into a rage' almost immediately and hit the bludger coming towards him at bloody break-butt speed.

' _That's another point for Gryffindor. Hufflepuff should watch out for that bludger. Black looks like he…'_

Sirius wanted to punch that idiotically handsome face and that perfectly proportioned Quidditch body. He wanted to be a total girl and pull that arsehole's ridiculously blond hair out and slap him silly. If Sirius had a manicure and bitchy nails, he'd scratch the bastard raw, too. It was odd how Sirius, until this semester, had never considered Orton as highly irritating before. But now, it was all Sirius could do to not fly right into visitor's stands and wring Orton's neck out of pure jealously and protectiveness for Remus.

' _That was a narrow miss by…'_

_Remus._

Remus was in the stands; Sirius had asked (pleaded) him to come and watch the game, since Remus was leaving for home tomorrow. Had Remus noticed Orton? More so; had Orton noticed Remus? Had he done anything to Remus? Sirius wouldn't put it past Orton not to; his poor, innocent Remus was no match against the sleazy, bastardly likes of Orton. What if he-he-

' _Gryffindor's seeker swerves the bludger but misses the snitch! But it looks like Hufflepuff's Roberts is already on its tail and he...'_

Sirius needed to get to Remus right now.

' _Hufflepuff wins the match two hun-!'_

Thank goodness the match was over; that just meant Sirius could go after Remus quicker. Though it was a pity that they lost, but really, Gryffindor had many more matches to catch up to the Quidditch Cup. So, Sirius just focused on getting off his broom as quickly as possible and rushing to the lockers to stash his broom and gear. Sirius would have just taken everything and ran, but there were strict policies against Quidditch gear that you simply had to follow if you didn't want detention. Valentine's Day was coming up and Sirius really didn't want to spend their date cleaning shit while Remus, given that he wasn't abducted by Orton first, spent the day studying.

Sirius was just about to leave when James rounded on him, causing Sirius to nearly trip over his untied sneakers. 'Sirius, the fuck is wrong with you? I told you-'

'You didn't tell me anything,' Sirius cut in brashly, grabbing James's arm to steady himself. 'Why is that bastard, Orton here? I thought he graduated!'

'He's a scout for the national teams. He's looking for potential players, that's all. It has nothing to do with Remus, alright?' James ran a frustrated hand through his hair. 'Fuck, we could have easily won this game, Sirius. I told you not to get distracted! That bludger nearly took Robin's head off!'

'Look, Jamie-boy, I'm sorry,' Sirius apologised sincerely, grabbing his best friend urgently by the shoulders. 'I'll make it up to you the next match, I promise. I'll even let you lecture me tonight to your heart's content, but I really, really, need to go now. Remus is right there; I can't leave him alone with Orton. You understand, right?'

James rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. 'Go on then. He should still be at the stands. You'll probably catch up to him easily.'

'Thanks, mate!'

Finding Remus was a lot less easy than predicted. The stand weren't quite empty yet, but Sirius was the type who could spot Remus even through a stampede. It was an important talent if you liked to fawn and obsess over your lover the way Sirius did. Yet, Sirius could not spot that lovable mop of light brown hair anywhere and had to expand his search to the farthest ends of the pitch.

Fifteen minutes later, Sirius had already searched the entire perimeter of the pitch and was beginning to think Remus had already gone back to the dorms, safe and sound from Orton's filthy clutches. He was going to go back when he heard someone speaking behind the stands; Sirius could barely make out the silhouettes of two people behind the Hogwarts banner/canopy/bedspread-like coverlet. Though almost the same height, one of them was of slighter build, so Sirius assumed one of them was female.

'You're beautiful,' the larger one said, and Sirius had to control his snickers as he leaned in for a closer listen. He'd obviously walked in on a romantic conversation. Still, Sirius thought the Astronomy Tower was a much more suitable place if they wanted to continue beyond their little love talk.

'I missed you, you know,' stocky-boy continued, though Sirius felt that his voice was becoming increasingly harsh instead of romantic. 'I missed fucking that amazing body of yours.' Dear Merlin, even Sirius knew you couldn't impress a girl like that and Sirius was bloody  _gay._ 'Quiet as ever, I see. You really never change. Can't you at least smile and pretend you're happy to see me?' There was a moment of silence within which Sirius wondered exactly what sort of conversation this was branching out to. 'I heard you found somebody. Everyone's talking about it like it's something special.'

Sirius's eyes widened and he grinned. Things were definitely getting interesting; an ex jealous boyfriend and a very quiet girlfriend, and of course there was the current lover who seemed nowhere in sight. Action, drama, suspense, and horrible pick-up lines; it was like walking into those muggle movie theatres. Still, the situation seemed oddly familiar though Sirius couldn't put his finger on exactly why.

Well, not without a hint and what sounded quite a bit like Remus's voice coming through the other side: 'Orton, if there's a reason for you cornering me like this, then be done with it.'

It was Remus! It was, with that bastard Orton and Sirius couldn't believe he hadn't noticed Remus's lack of tits; for that matter, Sirius couldn't believe he didn't recognise the love of his life through mere five inches of Hogwarts canopy. Shit, he needed to get there but that would mean abandoning the conversation and running all the way to the other end to go around to the other side of the banner. Sirius didn't want to leave Remus, and he really didn't want to leave this conversation, should Orton say something hurtful again.

'I heard you scored that little pureblood bitch. What's his name again?' Bitch? Sirius would show him exactly how much of a bitch he really could be. 'Ah, yes, Sirius Black. So, is he a good fuck?'

Sirius nearly choked when Remus replied casually, 'quite brilliant actually.'

Sirius grinned proudly, feeling his chest puff up and his ego threatening to explode. He was 'quite brilliant actually', according to Remus. Remus said 'brilliant'. Sirius had been called brilliant many times before but never concerning his bedroom skills and definitely never by Remus. Brilliant Sirius: what a lovely nickname to have.  _Brilliant Sirius_ : the superhero who rescues you from evil by day and bad sex at night!

'-are you still angry about what happened that time?'

'No. I never was.'

Sirius's thoughts of brilliance were interrupted by bitter laughter.

'It's the same as always, isn't it? Your fucking expressionless face and those fucking cold eyes. Like you couldn't care less,' Orton's voice was rising, getting angrier. Sirius shifted uneasily, his hand unconsciously going to his wand. 'It's like you can't even be bothered to be angry at someone because they're so fucking insignificant to you.' Orton's laughter grew and Sirius felt his hackles rise. 'Ha, though I should know. You do have a weakness, don't you? That fucking chain of yours…it sums up your whole pathetic life, doesn't it?'

Sirius saw it coming even before Orton's hand went up. He saw it and he lost control, tearing the banner into two with a quick jab of his wand. _How dare he?_ Orton already had his hands at Remus's neck, and Sirius abandoned all his brilliance (, common sense and wand) to attack Orton with his bare hands. The chain was clasped tightly within Orton's fist, but one solid punch from Sirius sent it flying across the grass. Sirius would have given Orton a second black eye, if Remus hadn't pulled him aside forcefully by the shoulder.

'Remus, don't fucking interfere! I'm going to kill-'

'If you're going to kill, then use your wand like any other wizard,' Remus replied harshly, shoving Sirius's wand towards him. It was the first time Sirius had heard Remus's voice rise to that level; it wasn't loud, just  _louder_  than his normal whispered words. It was because of the chain, of course; Sirius knew that no matter how much Remus denied it, that cross was important on some level. It wasn't meant to come off and Orton, that bloody berk had-

'Sirius, go back.'

 _No fucking way in hell._  Not with Orton's beady eyes glaring at them like that. 'I'm not going anywhere without you,' Sirius said quite frankly, his hand possessively going to the small of Remus's back. ' _He_ can leave instead. It's not like he belongs here anyway.'

Remus sighed tiredly. 'Sirius, I'll come in a few. Just go back to the dorms, okay?'

Sirius grit his teeth. 'Fine, if that's what you want.' He snatched his wand from Remus's hands angrily and summoned the cross. It wasn't that he didn't notice Remus's hands tremble when he pocketed the chain; it was just that Sirius was too angry to care. Angry about a lot of things: Remus had rejected him yet again; Remus chose Orton over him; Remus refused his protection; Remus was… _simply infuriating._

'You should see your face, Remy. I barely raised my wand and you flew in to protect his precious little arse. Is that what anger looks like on your face?'

That bastard was laughing and it echoed; it echoed in Sirius's head until all he could hear was Orton's sick voice.

'He must be a really good fuck…that fucking runt…even after I…back then I used to…'

Mocking laughter. It was sickening.

'Hey, Remy, tell me something, for old times sake. What does that little bastard have that I don't?'

And Remus; his was just silence. The kind of silence that was more deafening than the sounds of Orton's mockery. Silence that was hurtful, and used words to tear you to pieces without really saying anything at all.

'Black hair, I suppose.'

Silence that stopped the laughter but not the tears.

'Good luck with your team, Orton.'

* * *

Sirius discovered that when in a disastrous mood, the best way to feel good about being in a rotten mood was to simply brood and grump until the mood either lifted or worsened. The best way to brood, Sirius also found out, was to lie on the bed, fold both hands tightly across your chest, and scrunch up your face so that your expression looked just about as ghastly as your mood. It worked, it really did; especially when the cause of said mood appeared.

'It somewhat kills the point if you sulk on my bed, you know…'

Sirius huffed, turning on his side so that he didn't have to face Remus. 'My bed has crumbs,' he replied snappily. It was true; Sirius's bed  _always_ had crumbs. Biscuit crumbs, bread crumbs, cake crumbs, even crumbs that tasted oddly like Styrofoam. It was a conspiracy of crumbs and Sirius suspected the house elves were in on it because the damnable crumbs were  _always_ there _,_  even when Sirius just wanted to be moody alone. He was moody, but that didn't mean he was sulking; and Sirius made sure Remus knew that. 'I'm not sulking.'

Remus chuckled, much to Sirius's displeasure. Remus wasn't taking Sirius's mood at all seriously, and to make matters worse, the git was actually coming to sit beside Sirius and leaning over him. 'Pouting, then,' Remus said, still smiling as one of his fingers came up to brush Sirius's lower lip, 'Is that what you're doing?'

Sirius slapped Remus's hand away. He was definitely not pouting! Sirius's lower lip was naturally a little jutt-y; it wasn't something he could control.

'How long are you going to sulk like this?' Remus asked, chuckling again and leaning back against Sirius's pillow like he owned it (which he technically did). 'It's really quite a turn on, especially when you pout.'

'Fuck off! This is all your fault!' Sirius blamed, not pouting even more because he really did not pout, 'I bet now you're going to tell me off about how high maintenance and troublesome I am, and how you've never had to deal with idiots like me before…'

Remus hummed, playing with Sirius's earring; the earrings Remus had given him for Christmas. They were stupid earrings: all round and hoop-y and silvery; Sirius didn't know why he wore them. 'It's true. Most of the men I went out with were more horny than sulky…'

'I'm not sulking!' Sirius cried out, turning to glare at Remus. 'I hate you! This isn't a joke! Stop making fun of me when I'm trying to figure out-'

'Why are you crying?'

Sirius blinked. Now that Remus mentioned it, there did seem to be a certain amount of wetness in his eyes. He was crying? Well, that was a stupid thing to do; it just made the mood worse, didn't it? Sirius sniffed loudly.

'Sirius,' Remus said softly, coming closer and rubbing Sirius's ear lobe softly. 'Why are you crying?'

'Don't ask trick questions!' Sirius wailed, batting away Remus's hand and getting his earring pulled painfully as a result. The pain really didn't help stop the tears. 'How am I supposed to know why; I've never cried before!' Sirius tried solving it by punching Remus on the chest, but the bloody crying was making his punches all weak as well. In a few moments, he was surely going to grow a pair of tits and just PMS his way through the mood. 'You're always making me like this, this completely insane lunatic who constantly craves your attention. But you keep shunning me away…with all these walls and secrets like you can't even be bothered to give just a little bit of you to me. I just want to know you and be with you, but you don't even care. And I know you don't like me like I like you, but I want you to like me because you're still here, right? You're still with me and-' Sirius took a deep breath, remembering that oxygen was an important element if you wanted to continue a conversation.

'I don't think you're any different.'

'Huh?' Sirius sniffed, wiping his eyes,

'The letter in your pocket; it's from your brother, isn't it? You're hiding it from everyone, even James.' Remus tilted his head, looking Sirius directly in the eye; making it impossible to look away and lie. 'People like us, Sirius, we need these walls to keep our lives from consuming us.'

Sirius felt his lower lip tremble; it wasn't true. It wasn't. He was fine; his life wasn't overwhelming and it certainly wasn't consuming. 'I wasn't trying to hide,' Sirius reasoned, in a small voice. 'I was trying to forget…'

Remus sat up, freeing Sirius from his gripping and extremely uncomfortable gaze. 'Isn't he your brother? He doesn't deserve to be ignored.'

While extremely true, Remus's statement bought on a fresh new wave of frustration and a bigger pool of tears that Sirius really did not appreciate his body generating. 'Who are you to lecture me when you've done the same with Orton?' he yelled through a runny nose. 'All this while, I thought Orton was a fucking git, you know, and I still think so, but he really cared for you. He wanted the same things I do now; just to somehow feel that you cared for him! That you liked him back instead of showing that expressionless face over and over again! What he did to get that was fucking messed up, but now I can't even hate him completely for it because I feel sorry for him!' Sirius, getting steadily angrier, grabbed Remus's t-shirt and wiped his face with it. Infuriatingly, he ended up burying his face in Remus's shoulder instead. 'You were upset,' he continued softly with a muffled voice. 'I remember on the train when we first met. But whenever someone teased you or brought it back, you never screamed or yelled. You just stood there and took it all in. Doesn't it hurt? It hurts me…'

Sirius felt the rise and fall of Remus's chest as he sighed. 'It's in the past…'

'Don't brush it off when I'm crying bathtubs for you here!' Sirius cried, wiping his tears angrily against Remus's shoulders. 'Fuck, if somebody had told me what a pain crying is, I wouldn't have done it in the first place. Shit, now my eyes are all itchy and my chest hurts and I can't even stop… _this is so stupid_!'

'Sirius…' Remus placed his hand on Sirius's cheek, forcing him to stop cleaning himself on Remus's t-shit and to finally look up. The hand was gentle and Sirius sniffed, wondering how unromantic this moment would be with his runny nose. But at least Remus was comforting him; at least he wasn't being snarky and telling Sirius off for calling him silly names. See: Remus  _did_ care…

'OWW!' Sirius shot up immediately and rubbed his chin where Remus had just pulled off the band-aid. He glared at Remus and the ridiculous band-aid between his fingers, sure that the bastard (both the band-aid and Remus) had definitely taken out a good amount of his skin along with a few, very-hard-to-grow, manly facial hair.

'You stopped crying,' Remus said in an extremely sadistic tone, balling up the band-aid and throwing it away. 'Calm down and stop sulking if you don't want your face to go blotchy-er.'

'I'm not sulking,' Sirius replied, only just  _pouting_ a little bit. 'Do you want your chain back?'

This time, Sirius did not ignore the slight tremble of Remus's hands or his wavering gaze, as he pulled out the silver cross Remus seemed to treasure so much. Sirius didn't understand why it was so important; maybe it held some kind of meaning or link to the past. Maybe Remus just really liked shiny cross-like objects. It didn't really matter; Sirius wasn't the type to be jealous of inanimate chains. If it was important to Remus, then he'd protect it, the same way he did today. Sirius hoped Remus knew that, as he wound the chain around Remus's neck.

'It's the fourth link,' Remus said softly, holding on to Sirius's right arm.

The fourth link; was that an important detail, too, or just something fashion related? It was too complicated, Sirius realised, resting his head against Remus shoulder and sighing. This crying thing; it was really a nuisance. He'd stopped, but now, his skin felt like it was being stretched in the places where the tear tracks were drying. It felt silly now; this whole row; especially with Remus's soothing hands of his head. Sirius wished his hair was longer, so that Remus would run his fingers through it like he used to do before.

Sirius leaned in a little more, slowly winding his arms around Remus's waist and taking in the sweet scent of soap and aftershave. A little closer and he could feel Remus's arms fall to his neck in embrace. A little more closer and he could feel Remus's heartbeat against his. A little more and Remus's lips were against his.

Feeling slightly more confident, Sirius moved closer, slowly slipping his hand underneath Remus's shirt to feel warm skin underneath his fingertips. He pulled at the bottom of the shirt gently, hesitant until Remus held up his arms and took it off completely.

'Is this okay?' Sirius breathed into Remus's ears, his fingers playing a symphony on Remus's ribs. 'We could stop if you're tired.'

Remus's breath hitched as Sirius's hand moved lower, fingers to palm and then fist. 'Don't,' he gasped, head falling to Sirius's shoulder. 'Don't ask stupid questions at inappropriate times.'

Sirius reckoned Remus would have had a lot more witty comments if he hadn't pulled Remus onto his lap. Sirius couldn't hold back a moan as Remus pushed back till they were both lying on the bed, the front of their trousers brushing against each other. It was almost as if they were playing, teasing each other to the limit to see who had the upper hand. It came to a point where Remus had undressed Sirius completely, while Remus still had his boxers because Sirius was too busy trying to taste every inch of skin Remus possessed. It was addicting, intoxicating, and Sirius took his time to learn how every kiss and lick elicited different sounds from Remus parted lips. Those lovely lips that Sirius often found himself staring at for hours; wet and kiss bruised. And still, it felt like they were begging for more, pleading Sirius to abandon everything else, and kiss them; to take them between his.

Blindly, Sirius pulled the bedside drawer open while trying to get rid of Remus's boxers at the same time.

'Put it on…' Remus whispered between kisses.

'Huh?'

'You wanted…' Sirius was really too far gone to listen to a word Remus was saying. All he could concentrate on was Remus's skin slick against his and Remus's lips mouthing words when all it had to do was accept Sirius's wet, indulgent kisses. 'Sirius,' Remus whispered again, pulling at the ends of Sirius's hair. 'Fuck me.'

Something exploded inside Sirius's head. Something definitely would have exploded all over Remus's stomach, if Sirius hadn't held his breath tightly and bit into Remus's shoulder. Remus had just played out one of Sirius's most perverted fantasies; word for word and debauched expression for debauched expression. Sirius was sure he was still stuck in some kind of fantasy dream and kept his eyes closed and his hands firmly planted on Remus's side just to make sure it didn't end. He prayed long and hard for it to be real and wondered if Remus would say it again if he wished hard enough for it. Instead, he heard an irritated huff of breath and felt himself being pushed roughly on to his back, Remus settling on top of his stomach. But what really brought him back was the almost purposefully painful snap of rubber over his cock.

'Wake up.'

Sirius really didn't have any bondage or pain plays in his fantasies. He eyed the candle on the bedside warily, hoping Remus wasn't planning to use it. He needn't have worried because Remus was too busy trying to make Sirius's combust and hyperventilate, as he prepared himself on Sirius's lap; his fingers moving the same way they did inside Sirius.

Sirius gulped, unable to take his eyes away. Watching, mesmerised, and falling in love over and over again at Remus's erotic expressions and clever hands. And then Remus was lowering himself, guiding Sirius  _inside_ until he was completely buried to the hilt.

'Don't move,' Remus panted, head thrown back to reveal the pale column of his neck. 'Not yet…'

 _Not yet_ …Sirius felt like someone had just given him a death sentence and he struggled to keep calm. It was hot, ridiculously, painfully hot and tight, and Sirius was losing it. He was losing his control, his senses, his bloody mind; all he could think of was Remus and how beautiful he was like that, spread out and exposed in front of him. All Sirius needed was a little nod of Remus's head and he was pushing back, changing position so that he was on top and thrusting in at an almost frantic rhythm. A part of him wondered if either of them had cast a silencing charm on the curtains and found that he didn't really give a fuck.

Who would with Remus underneath them, sweat pooling at the hollow of his neck and hair disheveled across the pillow, like some kind of debauched God. A God that gave himself up only to Sirius. A God that belonged only to Sirius.

'I love you,' Sirius whispered, body trembling on the edge of his orgasm. 'Remus, I-' His whole body stiffened and in a moment of blinding whiteness, Sirius gripped on to Remus's hips tightly, crying out into his neck.

' _Evanesco!'_

'Tired?' Sirius asked, pulling the covers over their naked bodies and putting away Remus's wand.

Remus hummed contently as Sirius ran his fingers through his hair. 'A bit.' Remus's eyes fluttered slightly before coming to a peaceful close.

His breathing was slowly evening out and Sirius, wanting to be closer, snuggled into him, resting his head against Remus's shoulder. 'Remus,' Sirius breathed, not really expecting an answer. 'Am I different…from Orton and the others?'

'You're different…' Remus replied sleepily, patting Sirius lightly on the head.

Sirius looked up at Remus's expressionless face, wondering if he could get a better answer if he stared hard enough. 'Is it because I  _sulk_  more?'

'Mm…because even with snot dribbling down your nose, you managed to give me a hard on.'

* * *

Valentine's Day – a day that involved love, flowers, chocolates, and if you were lucky, a good amount of sex afterwards. It involved holding hands, professing/confirming your love to the people you really, truly fancied or just really, truly wanted to shag. It also involved all the shops in Hogsmeade decorated in red hearts, frills, and a various assortment of starry eyed hippogriff dolls that often had 'Be mine' across the chest. The more expensive ones had 'I love you' and 'Be mine' written on each wing and was charmed to flash the messages every time someone passed by. It was a bit of a player really; but then again, women seemed to fancy the bad boy hippogriff image and often squealed in delight at the sight of it. To everyone, it is the time for celebration and tacky gifts.

For James and Peter, it is the time to get extremely drunk in the Three Broomsticks and glare at Lily Evan's date. Well, the latter half only applied to James, who (being underage) hadn't been able to score drinks with Rosmerta the way Sirius often did, and had finally managed to get drunk after his twenty eighth bottle of butterbeer. Which was pathetic really; since now he really wanted to pee but couldn't get his drunken mind to figure out exactly which of the multiple toilet doors he saw was actually the real toilet door. He also couldn't make out which of the loos had a bald bloke on it and which one had a bald bloke with a skirt. James didn't qualify for the second type because he didn't usually wear a skirt, except for that time in Third Year.

'Sirr-us 's hafin funnn' Peter slurred beside him before passing out. Among all of them, Peter's tolerance of alcohol was so ridiculously low that even a house elf could drink him under the table.

James rolled his eyes; no, it was more as if James's eyes rolled back for a moment from the pressure in his bladder. He looked at Remus and Sirius who were sitting on the ridiculously enormous love seat near the fireplace, all cozy and warm. Sirius looked like he was going to burst with happiness any moment just from having his boyfriend lying in his arms. Remus was sleeping.

Not that James blamed him. Remus had only just come back from visiting his "sick" mother and as usual, he looked like he'd barely just survived a goblin war. Remus had practically been dozing on his feet as he walked with Sirius on their little "Valentine's date' and didn't even protest when Sirius (quite lovingly) bought him Honeyduke's, Lovey Dovey Chocolates and a set of powder blue biting tea cups (where you could bite back if you were in the mood for pistachio flavoured candy). More so, Remus even let Sirius hold his hand throughout the day and practically snuggled into him (toppled into from exhaustion) later in the Three Broomsticks. Now, all this was fine for a normal couple, but even James's pee desperate and alcohol induced mind could tell that Remus wasn't the type to show affection in public; or really show affection at all. It was a new development really, which seemed to leave Sirius feeling particularly manly. James knew this because today was the first time Sirius did not attempt to shave his non-existent facial hair, and was currently stroking his chin in a way that suggested that Sirius was also under the illusion that he had a very manly goatee.

Not that James was stalking his two best friends. He was, however, stalking Lily Evans and what's his face, who happened to be occupying the sofas beside theirs. James couldn't remember Mr. Tosser's name because he didn't actually know the Mr. Tosser's name, and any other colourful names James actually thought of were slightly harder to pronounce in his current state. Mr. Tosser wasn't right for Lily Evans anyway. He was the odd kind; the kind that opened doors for people and drew out chairs for his date, and actually listened to every word his date was saying. Lily didn't need that sort of bloke; she needed someone like James, who while not at his best of states at the moment, was a whole lot handsomer than what Lily was having a bloody lovely time with now. James was sure that Lily thought so too and was simply putting up a show to not hurt Mr. Tosser's feelings. James was so sure of it that he was willing to confirm his sure-ness by performing a  _Leglimens_ right now on Lily Evans and prove how bored she really was – all four of her.

He cast the spell and hit the fourth Lily Evans to the right perfectly.

_It was a hospital, James could tell just from the pristine white walls and the pungent smell of disinfectant rising from the floors. It was dark mostly, except for the room at the end of the hall where the lights was flickering unsteadily – bright then dim then bright again. The pattern was almost hypnotic and James found himself walking towards the room, glancing at the clock (stuck at three), before walking in._

' _Just a bit more, come on.'_

_It took a few minutes for James to realise that the child struggling to walk in front of him was Remus. He looked the same mostly, if not a bit paler and sickly looking – as if all the blood had been drained out of his body. How old was this little Remus in front of him? Four? Five, maybe? He was clutching on to the steel bars on either side of him, sweat dripping down his face as if it took great effort just to be standing up. Comprehension dawned on James when he noticed how Remus's right foot dragged across the floor like dead weight as he used the bars to move forward inch by inch._

' _Come on. That's it. You're doing well.'_

_John Lupin – James knew the man was on the other end of the bars without even looking; the accent was very distinguished. John's hands were outstretched, urging on little Remus to walk, to move a bit more. James wondered how difficult it must have been for Remus to learn how to use his right leg as effortlessly as he did now. Almost as soon as he thought of it, the young Remus in front of him toppled over face first with a loud crash. On instinct, James rushed forward to help the child, remembering it was only a memory when his hand simply passed through Remus's body._

_James looked up, shocked to see that John Lupin's hands were no longer outstretched but hanging tightly by his sides. He wasn't even making an effort to help his son up, instead_ _surreptitiously_ _moving away as if Remus was infected with some kind of contagious disease. Except that there was no disgust on John's face; just concern and worry._

_**Help him** _ _, James thought, looking down at Remus, still on the ground- panting and struggling to get up. Every time Remus tried, he fell again, his thin arms giving out under his dead weight. There was a 'chink' noise with every fall, and James realised that it was the sound of the silver necklace around Remus's neck hitting the tiled. Remus's right leg was sprawled at an almost odd angle, not even moving, as Remus repeatedly tried to support himself on his left leg alone._

' _It okay. It's fine,' John Lupin whispered gently, urgently, 'Get up. Come on, A-Remus.'_

_James blinked, catching John Lupin's slip almost immediately. He was going to call Remus something else; by some other name. A swear word or bad name? No, the tone was too gentle to be one._

' _John, I can't…' Remus's voice was hoarse, innocent and childish; so completely unlike now. He was panting too hard, leaning his head against the cool tiles to catch his breath but failing miserably._

' _Don't say that. Get up, Remus…I want you to get up.'_

_**Then help him** _ _, James wanted to scream. He didn't understand why John wouldn't help his own son; wasn't it just human nature to pick up someone who fell? Then, why was John just sitting there; trembling hands so firmly stuck to the side and clenched into fists. What difference would it make if he only helped Remus stand up, just a bit?_

' _John, I can't…' Remus said again, this time close to tears. James could see the truth in his words in the breathlessness of his voice, the way sweat soaked the back of his T-shirt, and the way Remus's eyes fluttered and closed in exhaustion. 'John…'_

_It was pathetic. It was too pathetic to watch and James turned away, unable to bear the twang in his chest that came from watching a child this small made to struggle like this. As he turned away, James found another page of Remus's memory turning, shifting; the pasty, dim settings slowly dissolving and reforming into streets and suburban houses._

_James spotted Remus and John again, across the street from where he was standing. It was difficult to keep sigh of everything that was happening, with all the cars speeding by in front of them. From what he could make out, Remus was possibly still the same age or maybe a year older. He was standing on his own now, but as he walked, James noticed his prominent limp. No, it wasn't quite a limp; it was more like Remus's knee didn't bend at all and it created the most awkward of walks – like a three legged dog of sorts._

_Remus was looking up at his father, hesitance evident in his eyes. If James hadn't been watching them closely, he would have never noticed the way Remus's right hand slowly reached out for John's left, as if wanting to hold hands. Another group of cars shot through and by the time James's vision cleared beyond the daze of vehicles, Remus had a hurt look on his face and John Lupin's hands were in his pockets. Remus bit his lip and James could see how the little boy struggled to not look affected; the beginnings of the older Remus were already starting to show._

' _Are you afraid of the roads?' James heard John ask, so clear that it was hard to believe that James was actually standing on the other side of the road from them. 'We don't have to cross if you don't want to…' There was underlying concern behind his words, and James remembered Sirius mentioning Remus's leg being wounded by a car accident. It would make sense if Remus was scared of cars or roads._

' _It's fine,' Remus replied in an almost whisper, his hand moving to clutch the silver cross around his neck. 'I'm not afraid.'_

_Oddly enough, James could tell Remus was telling the truth and not just trying to act brave. He could tell because Remus's eyes weren't focused on the road but across it, right beside where James was standing. Where there was another pair of father and daughter standing, not too different from Remus and John. Both children were around the same age, though Remus did look a bit younger and skinnier. Only difference was that the little girl's hand was enclosed tightly within her father's._

_'John, I-'_

James's back hit the wall painfully, breaking him out of whatever was left of his drunken stupor.

Sirius's face loomed in front of him, looking practically murderous. 'What the fuck do you think you're doing?'

James blinked, still trying to register the sudden pull back from Remus's memories and the change of surroundings. People were already starting to get curious about them and James saw Rosmerta look at them suspiciously, as if trying to judge whether the situation could turn into a potential disaster. Remus, thankfully, was still immersed in deep sleep on the sofa. 'Sirius…'

'What the fuck, James? What the fuck are you-'

'It was an accident,' James explained quickly, putting his hands up in defense. He really didn't want to get kicked out of the Three Broomsticks; not before taking a leak. 'Look, I didn't mean to-'

'Don't take me for an idiot, James,' Sirius growled, pushing James back again roughly. James wished Sirius would stop doing that; it was really difficult to keep control of a filled vessel if you kept rocking it back and forth. 'We learned the spell together, Jamie-boy; if it was an accident, you should have pulled back. What were you trying to achieve?'

'Look, I just got carried away, alright? I didn't actually mean to pry; just one thing lead to another and I wanted to know…'

Sirius's fists clenched tightly, and James knew at that very instant that it was very likely that he would leave the place with a bruise on his face. 'What gives _you_  the right to find out about him without even asking? Who are you to pry into his memories while he's sleeping and defenseless?'

James grit his teeth. 'I'm just trying to look out for you. There's something right dodgy about Remus, Sirius, even you've noticed that. He's keeping secrets and they're not the normal kind. His mother's not sick; I don't think he even goes to visit her. Sirius, I think he's hiding something a lot bigger… '

'Shut up!'

'Listen to me!' James yelled, shaking Sirius by the shoulders. He caught himself quickly when he noticed all the attention they were attracting. 'Listen to me…his own fucking father doesn't touch him. What kind of-'

'I'll kill you,' Sirius warned, pushing James harder against the wall; his eyes stormy with rage. 'You're my brother, James, so I'll let you off with only a warning this time. Try it again and I swear, Potter, I swear I'll kill you.' He let go of James roughly and pulled back.

'Sirius, I just don't want you getting hurt!' James called after Sirius's retreating back.

Sirius turned, eyebrow raised. 'I won't.' Then, as if they hadn't just been fighting, he shot James a wink and a lopsided grin, before confessing sheepishly, 'He's my little sugar dumpling, you know.'

 


	11. Having an Affair with Remus Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

' _It's okay to be nervous, Remus.'_

_Remus looks up at the nurse: Mrs. Murphy (even though she always asks him to call her Shannon). She's a dumpy little woman, with red hair, and deep brown eyes. She speaks Gaelic in a very rural accent, which makes her a little hard to understand since Remus isn't very fluent to begin with; John always speaks to him in English. She's in charge of taking care of him and she does a good job of it, too, though Remus still can't help but feel embarrassed when she helps him bathe or escorts him to the toilet. He's been practicing how to walk on his own with John, but he falls more than he stands. It's embarrassing because it's his last day in this familiar muggle hospital and he still can't do everything on his own yet like John expects him to. It's also upsetting because today is also his last day in this town, this country, and he doesn't want people to stare on their way to the station or when they cross roads. Stares make him uncomfortable; they make him feel_ _**dirty** _ _. Like when Remus was taken to the Ministry cells for two days to transform, and everyone had stared and stared and stared._

' _London's a lovely place, you know. I'm sure you'll be fine.'_

_Remus isn't very convinced by her assurances. London's a big place; much bigger than here. Remus hasn't been out of the hospital since his accident, but the view from the window in his room is peaceful and comforting. He's said this to John before, but the grimace on John's face says he doesn't agree. He always tells Remus that it 'better in here than out where we live, with those bastards', which always has Remus wondering if they actually have a house in the slums where mugging was a common practice._

' _The lady who brought you in here is from London.'_

_Remus perks up immediately, his hands clutching the sheets in anticipation of hearing something more about his mystery saviour. They didn't tell him much about her because they didn't know much themselves. She didn't leave a name or an address, and she never came to visit him after he'd regained conscious. The doctor often told Remus that the first night, she hadn't left his side, even though John had repeatedly insisted that it was okay to go. Remus wishes he could remember her face. Sometimes, he even likes to think she is his mother._

' _Do you think I'll meet her?' Remus asks quietly, already knowing the answer but still allowing himself a little hope._

' _Your chances aren't that high, Remus, you know that.' At the sad look on Remus's face, she tries to comfort him, 'I know you want to see her, and I'm sure that if she could, she would want to see you just as much. She loved you very much, you know…'_

_Remus's eyes widens at the revelation. 'She loved me?'_

_Nurse Murphy looks surprised as she turns to Remus. 'Well, of course. She used to come visit you all the time, you know. She talked to your father a lot, so she knew you even better than you do yourself. She left that necklace on you just before she left, so you'd remember her.' She leans close to Remus and taps his nose. 'Only people who love you want you to remember them, forever if possible. It doesn't matter if you never see her; she's already left a part of her behind for you.'_

_Remus holds the pendant in his hands in awe. He's never considered a deeper meaning to it, never truly thought about it the way Nurse Murphy just put it. It feels good to be loved, he thinks; it feels good to be remembered and to have mattered to someone. As long as he keeps this thin silver cross with him, he'll know that she'll save him, that she'll love him._

_Remus smiles at the thought and clutches the chain tightly to his chest. 'Thank you, Shannon.'_

'Nngh…'

Pain, Remus thought, was a very odd thing. It had no concrete source and no concrete trigger. Anything could set off pain anywhere in your body. Sometimes, a bruise from having hit your head on a hippogriff's claw hurt a lot less than a paper cut from ageing parchment. And sometimes, there was no wound to the pain, but it hurt anyway, because it was still quite painful.

'Ugh…' Remus breathed heavily, in and out, in and out; trying to keep tolerance. Trying to control the violent spasms now overtaking his body at a fast pace. In and out; he figured he'd be a good instructor for those classes they gave to pregnant women. What were they called again? Remus knew the word, but couldn't think. Couldn't think at all beyond the slow shifting of his bones, all gearing up for a hard night.

Remus remembered his very first memory of pain. It had been right after he'd woken up – four days after the accident. One of his legs had been numb, as if it wasn't even a part of his body. It might as well have been cut off and made no difference. John had got up then, frantic and happy at the same time; and Remus had snatched away that happiness with one simple question: 'Who are you?'. There had been pain right then, at the centre of Remus's chest. The type of pain that gave you sore eyes and a sense of something terribly wrong. The wrong, Remus realised afterwards, was that Remus had stolen John's precious person. The person that lived in Remus's body before Remus.

'Nngh…' Remus bit his lip hard and reached out for the watch he'd stashed underneath the bed with his clothes. His hands were drenched with sweat and the watched slipped away a few times, before he was able to get a proper hold of it.

Five minutes and twenty two seconds.

Remus had made it five minutes and twenty two seconds without succumbing to the full moon and screaming out. His tolerance was growing; last time, it had been at twenty seconds and then Remus had lost all control.

There were thumping noises coming from downstairs, growing steadily louder. No, they weren't that loud. Perhaps a little tapping; maybe from a bird or a stray animal that somehow made its way in. It was loud to Remus's ears, which were looking for an outlet, anything to distract his screaming body from the pain. How long had it been; nine years, ten? And still his body rejected the initial stages of the transformations the same way it would do a disease.

Five minutes and twenty four seconds.

The thumping was getting unbearably loud now, every decibel sending a sharp prick to Remus's nerves. He was going to lose control. Remus was going to succumb to the twisting and shifting of his body, and the pain that came with it. His threshold was reaching its limit.

And then the thumping stopped, and a loud gasp followed.

Remus didn't have to look to know who it was. He didn't have to, but he did. He looked straight into James Potter's scared hazel eyes and lost it.

James Potter ran and Remus screamed. Screamed, and screamed, and screamed until the first rays of dawn shone upon his battered body, and his throat had bled itself raw.

Five minutes and twenty six seconds.

Remus had lasted five minutes and twenty six seconds until everything had gone to hell.

* * *

Peter was confused. Peter was, extremely, thoroughly confused. The only time Peter remembered being this extent of confused was when his mother had told him to choose between pumpkin pie and chocolate cake for dessert. Yet, this dessert confusion ranged no where near the utter confusion he felt right now.

Remus had entered the room after his two day stay at his grandmother's. The Lupin boy was limping again, which Peter felt truly sorry for. He reckoned it must really suck to stop limping for nearly a month and then start all over again. At least that's what Peter's Uncle Jack said anyways. Uncle Jack frequently took the time to curse quite loudly every time he came for a visit,  _'darn this ruddy polio!'_ Peter had a theory that 'polio' was actually a very strong Jelly Legs Jinx that Mungo's had never been able to cure.

Remus was really just limping, his 'doll face' strangely looking fierce and defiant. Remus looked scary enough without an expression on his face; so looking at amber eyes lit so intensely bright was enough to send Peter to the loo for an incredibly lengthy piss. Of course, it would be a lot easier to go to the loo if Peter could move his legs first. Vaguely, Peter wondered how Sirius could sleep at night with someone that closely resembled the Dragonball after extensive plastic surgery. In fact Sirius's usual expression of glee at being able to see Remus told Peter that Sirius had the impression that the Dragonball on his bed was actually the Princess of Wales. It was a lot easier when the Prince of Wales (Sirius) was around though, because he somehow always made Remus smile and look a lot less frightening.

Surprisingly, James broke the tense silence, 'Remus, ah-I-we should talk, maybe…about last night?'

It was an awfully odd thing to say, considering Remus wasn't even here last night. Peter wondered exactly what James had to talk about; maybe he knew Remus's grandmother? Maybe Remus's grandmother was actually also James's grandmother through an illegitimate child, and James and Remus were secret cousins? Peter wondered the probability of such a thing, but gave up because he failed fifth grade mathematics.

'Pete, mate, could you excuse us for a bit?'

Peter stared blankly at James and then at Remus, figuring that they obviously had something important to talk about. They kept looking at each other; James nervously looking away every now and again, and Remus's eyes getting harder and harder with each passing minute. Family lineage was a sensitive matter after all, and if James and Remus were secret cousins; then it would be best if Peter pretended not to understand.

Peter nodded and excused himself out of the room. He knew it was bad; that he should trust James more, but curiosity got the better of him and he stayed at the door. Faking his own fading footsteps, he crouched against the closed dormitory door and pushed an ear against it, hoping to listen to whatever it was that their conversation was about. Unsurprisingly, it was not about family lineage. Unsurprisingly, it made very little sense to Peter. And unsurprisingly, Peter still eavesdropped into their extremely confusing conversation:

'Listen…' Peter could hear the hesitance in James's voice. He sounded uncomfortable; like the time when James was dared to comb his hair flat. 'Remus…I know that this…er…furry little problem of yours…it's supposed to be kept secret. I shouldn't have…er…you know…'

Peter tried to remember if Remus had ever mentioned owning a badly behaved rabbit. How much of a problem was a furry little rabbit to make James stutter so badly while he spoke. Maybe the rabbit had Remus's Dragonball personality and often hissed at people through mouthfuls of carrot? Or maybe, it was a code word for something bigger; something too dangerous to reveal at all. Maybe Remus was actually a Japanese, no, British ninja!

'Look…Remus…I won't tell anyone. I want you to know that. I mean, I know you don't say it a lot…but you do fancy Sirius quite a bit. So, I won't tell. I know…I know you don't want to hurt anybody…so, if it helps…I'm okay with things the way they are; the way you are, I mean.'

Peter frowned. It didn't sound like much of a ninja conversation, not really. In fact, James sounded a bit dodgy. Remus; well, Peter wondered how Remus was reacting to all this. Surely, he had a clue as to what James was implying. What was James not going to tell, and why was James giving all that many compliments to Remus. ' _Okay with the way you are'_ ; what in Godric's did that mean?

Peter bit his lip for a while, debating whether he should chance a glance. Nodding to himself in assurance, he quickly got on his knees and peeked through the keyhole. Almost immediately, Peter wished he hadn't. Wished he'd bit his lip so hard that he'd had to go to the infirmary instead of looking through the keyhole.

James and Remus were hugging. No, it wasn't a hug; it was a proper embrace, and while Peter couldn't really see Remus's face clearly, he didn't seem to be resisting James' gesture of affection like he often did Sirius'. James, so clearly awkward throughout the conversation, didn't seem to be tense anymore either. In fact, he looked almost  _kind_  and considerate. What was this? Why were they, all of a sudden, on such good terms? And why were they moving towards Remus's bed?

'Look,' Peter heard James whisper softly, 'when the time's right, I want you to tell Sirius. He's a good friend; I promise he won't take it badly.'

'Bloody hell,' Peter swore softly, moving away from the door in horror as he realised exactly what was going on. It explained everything; the night Remus and James were missing, the tiredness in Remus's eyes, why James was so hesitant to approach the subject, and why Peter was better not listening in. Peter finally knew the truth and it was frightening. Frightening to face Remus and even more frightening to have to face Sirius once he found out the inevitable truth.

James and Remus were having an affair behind Sirius's back.

'Mr. Pettigrew, exactly how long am I going to have to stand here before you have the common courtesy to give way?'

Peter, still struck in a daze, looked up at McGonagall's stern face. 'You don't want to go in, Professor. Not now, at least.' She was clutching an envelope in her hands very tightly, and her lips were steadily growing thinner as Peter used his well developed body to shield the door.

Did Peter have to tell Sirius about this, or just let things unfold on their own? Peter hadn't even known about James swinging for the other side, much less the side that was Remus Lupin. The side that was strictly prohibited (due to best friend property), and classified as  _extremely dangerous individual._

'Mr. Pettigrew, please move this instant.'

Peter wasn't sure exactly how to tell the Professor that James and Remus were very likely to be snogging at this point, if the conversation was any indication. 'Really, Professor, you shouldn't. Maybe you can pop in another time for a lecture or two?'

McGonagall's eyes looked ready to pop. 'Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Lupin's father has just had a heart attack. If you still think I can  _pop in another time_ to discuss this matter, then please continue to stand here while I issue you detention.

* * *

Remus wanted to see John. Remus wanted to see John just like any other boy wanted to see his sick father. Remus  _could_ see John if he wanted and at the same time, he couldn't. He was in the house, in his room; not locked like how it used to be in the initial years after the accident. He was locked by his own unwillingness to go visit John, even though john was simply in the next room. Remus's main problem arose from  _her._

She was constantly there in John's room, pouring her affection over him. She catered to his every need and took care of him even in the late hours of the night. It wasn't anything serious; that's what the Healer said. A couple of prescribed potions every month and John was safe from anything of the sort ever happening again. Still, she was a muggle and Remus supposed something like this in the muggle world caused more concern than it did in the wizarding world. Remus knew she loved John; knew very well that as a wife, this was how things were meant to be. But it was that knowledge that kept Remus from going to see his own father for the past two days.

The knowledge of being an unwanted presence in that room.

Remus had felt it the very first day he'd walked into John's room, heart beating from anxiety and the nauseating Floo trip. She'd looked at him, glared, with bright, teary eyes that reminded Remus of the woman that had been holding his hand on the day he'd met head first with dazzling-yellow headlights. They were the eyes of a woman who  _hated_ him; who saw his existence as an obstacle that she had to push over. John didn't see those eyes, but Remus did. He saw them and read them perfectly; so Remus gave in to what John needed the most - it wasn't a son and it definitely wasn't Remus.

'Coward,' Remus whispered to himself. 'She's a bitch, but you're a coward.' He laughed, wondering how completely insane he sounded. He wondered if Sirius would think he was being cute now. Knowing Sirius, he would probably think Remus was being cute even when there was a pile of dung on his head.

Remus didn't particularly like being cute. The word itself often gave Remus urges to wear ribbons on his head and twirl on occasions just to live up to the expectations that came with the term, 'cute'. Remus wasn't a very good twirler and ribbons made his arse look big. Still, Remus figured, being cute was much more preferable

So he got up and quite determinedly, walked into John's room, only to deflate when he found John asleep.  _She_ was sitting on a chair beside his bed, unnecessarily smoothing the bed covers, and the sight of her face alone had Remus's lip curling in disdain. Remus wished she were one of those women who caked their faces with make up until they looked like an entirely different person. Remus also wished there was new, revolutionary make up to hide her personality as well. Not that she wasn't doing a good job hiding her personality by herself. John thought she loved Remus, didn't he?

' _You!'_

Remus blinked, looked at her and then looked at himself. 'Me,' he replied, quite frankly

She didn't seem to be particularly convinced with Remus's confirmation, and got up to walk towards him. ' _You!'_ she screamed again.

Remus rolled his eyes, wondering idly if she was blind or perhaps a little slow on the brain function. It was, quite obviously,  _him._

'This is all your fault!' she cried, now right in front of him. She was an awfully small woman, only barely coming up to Remus's collar bone, but she stood fierce and angry. 'This happened because of  _you!_  It's always you! He worries himself sick over trying to find a cure and trying to make things right! You're bringing him pain, can't you see that? What's wrong with you?'

Remus knew he shouldn't have come. It was all Sirius's fault, making Remus think he had to be cute. It was just better to leave.

She grabbed him hard by the elbow and pulled him back. 'Where do you think you're going? At least try to show some bloody sympathy for your own father! Take some goddamn responsibility for what you've caused! Leave, disappear, if you can, instead of coming back here and causing trouble for everyone around you with your miserable existence!'

Remus  _hated_ her. He leaned down to look right into her teary, blue eyes and whispered coldly, 'Don't touch me.'

There was loud resounding  _smack_! in the air as the palm of her hand met his cheek hard and fast. Remus saw her hand coming up to strike again, saw the rage on her face, and then suddenly, she looked a lot younger…

_She's frightening nowadays, to a degree he could never imagine she'd be because in the past, mummy has always smiled and laughed and loved him. Now, it's like she's two people. With daddy, she tries so hard; he knows this because he sees her all the time. She always makes things daddy likes best and smiles and laughs the same way she used to before he went to the hospital._

_At times, it feels like he doesn't exist because she never looks at him or sees him, and this confuses him. It confuses him because he craves to be seen by her and at the same time, he scared. He's scared, just like he is now as her eyes fall on his broken plate and her face twists in fury. She advances towards him and he backs away, knowing even before she raises her hand that she is going to hit him hard. The bruise on his back hasn't healed yet; he hasn't shown it to daddy because daddy always gets upset when he has to magic them away._

_The chair clatters to the ground as she pushes it away to get to him and he moves away quicker, further. Something sharp pierces into his foot, and he's already crying because every step backward makes it dig deeper and hurt harder. He hates it because daddy will see it and be sad again. He hates it because he's not a big boy like daddy always tells him to be; he always cries, he always makes people angry, he always-_

Remus felt himself being pulled aside violently, almost tripping over the rug in front of the bed. Through his sudden disorientation, he realised that the only reason he hadn't fallen over was because there was a rough hand still tightly enclosed around his wrist.

Remus stared at his father, who was red faced and panting as if barely controlling what looked like a volcanic outburst. Even  _she_  looked taken aback And then, the control slipped and John Lupin erupted:

'Get out of my house,' he spat and for a moment, Remus thought John was referring to him, until he saw that John's steely glare was fixated on _her_. The grip on Remus's wrist was tightening painfully, but Remus didn't struggle against it. He had a hankering that the grip was the only thing that was keeping John Lupin standing.

She seemed to realise the same thing as Remus, and reached out to him, but was pushed away viciously. 'John…you shouldn't-'

'I said, get out,' John growled, 'get out of my house now, before I kill you.'

Large tear drops began to roll down her cheeks and a few stray hiccups escaped her mouth. John didn't have to do this. He didn't have to-

'I gave you your chance,' John continued, and Remus could feel his body trembling through the little contact they had. 'You wanted to try again, to reprioritise, so I let you in, but don't expect this to be like before.'

'John, I didn't mean…'

'I've already made my choice, Lisa. Your presence, even what you say, they don't matter to me anymore. They stopped mattering nine years ago.' John let go of Remus's hand and turned away. 'Now, take whatever's yours and get out…'

Remus had expected her to put up more of a fight. She was an ardent woman, after all, this he knew about her, which was why it came as a surprise when she turned away and left the room, slamming the door behind her. Remus had no intention of going after her and by the way John climbed back into his bed, it seemed he didn't either. For a while, there was a piercing silence in the room, punctuated only by the sounds of banging doors and breaking glass. Remus didn't dare look at John; he didn't want to know the expression of John's face. He didn't want to see the pain that probably came from seeing his wife leave; he didn't want to see John's regret over everything he'd said. The regret and pain that Remus had caused yet again.

What felt like hours was actually ten minutes worth of a very angry woman walking out of the house. It was odd, but the silence that came after her leaving was a lot more ominous and deafening than when she's been smashing what little plates the Lupin household had. Remus hoped she didn't break the jar of double chocolate cookies that was always kept in the first cabinet.

Remus should have felt sorry for her. He should have felt like a terrible person for making a woman cry, no matter how much he despised her. But in reality, he was relieved she was gone; elated to a point where, for the first time in his life, Remus felt like a true bastard. But truth was, without her, things worked out just fine.

'Remus, I'm hungry. Some pasta right now would be good.'

Remus blinked, then nodded, keeping his eyes firmly fixed to the door.

'And Remus?'

'Hm?'

Remus didn't miss the note of hesitation in John's voice. 'Has she…has she hurt you before this?'

For a second Remus considered telling John everything: the memories that had been coming back stronger and stronger since the beginning of the year. He considered telling John that he knew how he'd lost his memory; knew why he didn't have a mother until last year, and why John carried the burden of guilt on his shoulders. The burden that made him stay with Remus and raise him, instead of leaving the way  _she_  had.

He'd almost opened his mouth to spill everything, but his conscience betrayed him in the end. 'No, not that I remember.'

'Okay,' John said roughly and Remus could hear him shifting angrily on the bed. 'Make sure to put some ice on your cheek.'

Remus wondered if slaps really made your cheek swell, and how much grief he was going to get from Sirius if he went back to school looking like a half-breed chipmunk.

There were a lot of things Remus was only beginning to notice, as he cleaned up the living room floor. That woman; she had made this house into a home. They had lace curtains and little crystal ornaments in every room; magnets on the fridge and a cabinet full of non-stick pans, and walls adorned with pictures and accomplishments. Pictures of John and her mostly, and just one with Remus in John's arms, looking like a freshly de-feathered chicken.

Remus wondered if that was how things were before Remus came through with his condition. A home, a family, a wife; had Remus robbed John of all of this? When was the last time John ever brought anyone home; had considered perhaps falling in love with someone? He had loved her though, hadn't he; and Remus had tried to keep out of the way and do everything that John told him to, but…

'John, lunch is ready…'

John was already asleep, snoring loud symphonies. Remus didn't want to wake him; not for food or anything else. John would be angry, Remus knew. John would be angry or upset, and Remus would have disappointed him again.

He hesitated for a while before walking around the bed and carefully sitting on the side. There were still slight imprints left over on Remus's skin from where John had held him tightly; a slight red outline highlighting each finger like a drawing. It was the first time John had touched him willingly; the very first time he hadn't hesitated or moved away when he got too close to Remus. What did it mean? Had John been scared of Remus's instability? Had he thought that Remus would backlash and hurt her?

Something coiled tightly in the pit of his stomach and Remus realised that for the first time in over four years, he was scared. He was terrified and shaking of what was happening and what was to come. And before he knew it, the terror was slowly forming selfish words in his mouth: 'Don't leave me,' he whispered quietly, his head feeling heavy all of a sudden and falling forward onto the coverlet.

There was more selfishness brimming in his throat, but Remus stalled it by biting his lip hard. The words were circling in his head, around and around to a point where everything looked like a blur and Remus had to close his eyes against the dizziness and the ringing in his ears.

'Oi, Cupcake, are you opening the door or what?'

'Sirius, stop that! The neighbours are going to report us for breaking an entry!'

_Sirius?_

'Remus, my love! It's fucking windy out here, so let us in, won't you?'

Well, that explained the ringing in Remus's ears; Sirius was abusing his privileges with the doorbell and shouting to be let in. It was a miracle by itself that John hadn't woken up, and Remus had a good mind to leave Sirius in the bloody, cold wind until his balls fells off. Fortunately for Sirius, Remus had good use for Sirius's balls and grudgingly opened the front door to let three very cold and enthusiastic boys in.

James and Peter tumbled in almost immediately, saying rushed hellos and pushing past to get to the fireplace. For some reason, the chubby boy had been avoiding looking at Remus lately. When Remus did catch him looking, it would be a sort of accusatory and angry glare. Remus wondered if Peter was still upset about the time Remus had eaten the last piece of chocolate cake.

Peter was stomping his feet to keep warm and Remus sincerely hoped he didn't knock holes into the floor. Wood floors were made to withstand a lot of things, but not an upsized cow on a burger diet.

James smiled a little, but Remus couldn't bring himself to look the boy in the eye. Not since James had found out. Remus had ignored Pomfrey's attempts at medical attention and hurried back to the dormitory as fast as he could to confront James. Remus had never known how good it felt for someone to know and accept everything about him. He had never known the release that came with it until his knee had finally given out from pain and relief, and he'd fallen right into James, nearly knocking the both of them out.

'Dumbledore said we could go fetch you,' Sirius said with a smile, reaching out to curl his fingers in Remus's hair. The other hand cupped Remus's cheek, thumb slowly tracing the underneath Remus's eye. 'What happened?'

Remus had forgotten to put ice on his cheek.

'Hey,' Sirius whispered, looking deep into Remus's eyes. 'It's okay.' Sirius's arms encircled around Remus's neck and pulled him close, head bumping into bony, boyish shoulders. 'It's okay, babe,' Sirius chanted softly, pressing kisses to the side of Remus's head; as if knowing exactly what Remus needed even before Remus himself did.

_The door creaks open, sounding loud and painful in the quiet of the room. Only Remus's laboured breathing towers over everything else – in, out, in, out; in rapid successions. Remus is still unused to having his door unlocked. He doesn't miss the ominous clicking of the lock, or the reassuring lies john used to tell him. He doesn't miss being a monster and being out of control. He has worked hard not to miss them._

_Remus is curled on his side, face buried and hidden beneath waves of brown hair spread across the pillow, waiting for his tremors to subside. This fear, this feral wave of fright and pain; it feels overwhelming somehow, and Remus seeks further refuge from it in the warm crook between his knees._

_There is a gentle dip of the bed as John Lupin sits down in front of him. 'Remus, are you alright?'_

' _No,' Remus croaks. He hides his face deeper, so that John doesn't see him. The tears are brimming close; Remus feels the sting in the corner of his eyes, and doesn't want John to see. John is disgusted by Remus's tears; he turns his face away every time Remus cries. There is comfort in John's grown up face and deeply etched lines; so Remus peeks through his fingers, only a little to make sure John is still there to chase the bad away. 'John, I-I saw_ _ **her**_ _…'_

_The lines on John's forehead grow deeper and he moves closer to Remus, like how someone does when discussing a secret. 'Again? Did you…did you see her face this time? Did you…'_

_Remus clutches the edge of John's sleeve, wanting…_

_Wanting some kind of relief but knowing that with John, there is always a limit. John doesn't…he doesn't like being with Remus, or being touched by him; so Remus always has to make sure he doesn't get too close. He doesn't want John's hate._

' _John, she was angry, and she was screaming. She…called me…' Remus shakes his head, unable to remember the name now. It had been a different name, but somehow, Remus knew in his dream that she'd been calling him and not anyone else. Then quietly, he mutters the one thing that had scared him the most, 'she said I wasn't her son…'_

_Remus feels John's whole body stiffen instantly and sees John's right hand go to his pocket, as if reaching for something. Then, quite suddenly, John relaxes and smiles warmly. 'You're trembling,' he says kindly and then as if in an alternate reality, he reaches out and pulls Remus to his chest. 'It's okay,' John says softly, unaware of Remus's surprise. The hand against Remus's neck is calloused and rough, but it brings peace to Remus's sore eyes. 'It's okay, don't be scared.'_

_Slowly, hesitantly, Remus wraps his arms around John and hides his face into John's dark blue sleeping shirt. He sniffs and tries to clean his face a little so he won't stain John's clothes, but Remus can't control them anymore. He wants to hide in the warm recesses of John's shirt forever, or at least until_ _**she** _ _stops visiting his dreams._

' _It's okay,' John says again softly and Remus feels the tip of something cold against the back of his neck. Remus moves slightly, trying to look back, but John's hand is holding Remus's head tightly in place. Panic starts to set in and suddenly, Remus is a lot scared of his own father and the wand at his neck, than any woman in his dreams. He's terrified, and scared, and crying out John's name, telling John that he hasn't done anything or hurt anyone, that he hasn't lost control of himself for almost two years now._

' _I know. It's okay,' John repeats, immune to Remus's struggles. 'It's only a dream. By morning, you won't remember a thing.'_

Sirius let go with a broad grin and a wink to James and Peter. 'Okay, we'll just go say 'hi' to Da and then we'll set off by floo. What? You don't like 'Da'? I thought since your father's Irish and all…Remus, you okay?'

Remus blinked, running a shaky hand through his hair. That memory; Remus had been nine back then, he was sure of it. It felt surreal almost; like everything was clicking into place but at the same time, making very little sense. Remus knew that the next morning, he'd had a horrible headache for which John had given him pills for. Remus also knew that it was the day they'd had pizza for dinner because Remus had been too disoriented to scrap out anything and often throughout the day, forgot where things were kept. He remembered all this with perfect clarity.

But true to John's word, Remus hadn't remembered anything of that night the next morning or any day after that.

'Remus! What is this bastard  _boy_  doing here? Are you trying to give me another heart attack?'


	12. Loving Sirius Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a mystery to the whole school; the boy who's quiet, aloof, and cold. He also happens to be queer, which is enough to gain Sirius's interest. What Sirius never realised that dating Remus Lupin wasn't quite as easy as it looked.

_**He buries his face into the dark confines of his joint arms, not wanting a stranger to see the tears that were flowing unbidden down his face. No, that isn't right. She isn't a stranger; Neveen is the reason his son is still alive. She is the one who saw everything** _ _that bitch_ _**had done, had rushed to the hospital, had contacted him; she is the one he is indebted to for the rest of his life.** _

' _ **Guess karma came and bit me right in the arse, eh?' He chuckles humourlessly, and tries hard not to lean backwards for comfort when she moves up behind him. 'He doesn't remember me; my own son.'**_

_**Her soft breasts press against his back, as her hands move across his bare shoulders soothingly. 'It isn't your fault…'** _

' _ **No,' He says dejectedly. '**_ _Everything_ _ **is my fault. I knew; I saw how insane she was getting. Out of control, out of her mind...' His fists clench on their own in anger every time he remembers. 'His wounds were getting worse and worse. I knew I should have taken him away, but I was so fucking scared.'**_

_**She tries to calm him by pressing soft kisses to his neck and shoulder blades; her face so close to his skin that he can feel the brush of her eyelashes. 'You loved her,' she whispers quietly. 'It wasn't your fault. You loved her.'** _

' _ **I hated her!' He cries miserably, hating the way his voice cracks. He hates how weak he is right now and how easily he succumbs to Neveen's embrace, pressing his eyes to the side of her neck to make the tears stop. 'I hate her, and if she ever makes the mistake of showing up in front of me, I'll kill her. I'll kill her like she killed my son.'**_

' _ **Hey,' she says softly, combing her fingers through his hair. 'He's still alive. Don't mark him off as dead yet.'**_

_**He looks up at her, looks her in the eyes and feels himself confessing his crimes, what he's done. 'Do you know what I did when he asked me who I was? Do you know what I did?** _ _I ran._ _**' He sees the shock in her eyes as he says this and moves out of her arms. 'I abandoned my own child, while he sat there lost and confused, not even knowing who he was. I asked the doctor to handle things for me, and he told me that it was my responsibility. That they weren't even going to tell him his name, until I came back. And I still left.'** _

_**Silence greets him and he knows now what she's thinking. She's thinking that he isn't any better than that woman; that the little boy sitting in the hospital deserved better. Will she report him? Will she take away his son away from him?** _

' _ **Fuck,' He whispers, fear rising in his throat. 'I left and it's been two hours since then. Two hours and he doesn't even know what his fucking name is.'**_

' _ **Maybe this is your redemption,' Neveen says so softly that at first he doesn't hear her. 'Maybe this is your chance to start over with him.'**_

_**He turns to look at her and sees no mockery or contempt in her eyes. She looks thoughtful, almost kind.** _

' _ **He has no memories of her or of everything he had to go through, so change it. Make it so that it never happened.'**_

_**The idea itself sounds incredulous, but her words are like salvation to him and unconsciously, he moves closer.** _

' _ **Move away, fabricate a new life, and give him everything that you've always wanted him to have. He needs his father; now, if more than ever.' Neveen's hand rises to cup his cheek gently. 'He's defenseless, so protect him.'**_

' _ **Fabricate…' He whispers softly, running the words through his head, wondering how someone like him is going to be able to do anything. He isn't a good liar; he has never had to be, and now, he can't even begin to fathom how much of it he will have to do. 'It's…complicated…running away…just like I did before.'**_

_**She smiles kindly and her hand pushes the sweaty strands of hair out of his eyes. 'Yes, but this time, you're not running alone and you're not doing this out of cowardice.'** _

' _ **Come with me, then.' He grabs both her hands and clasps them between his. They're soft hands; talented hands that knew exactly how to soothe away pain and tears.**_

' _ **I-'**_

' _ **No, listen,' he pleads, tightening his hold as she tries to move away. 'You could be his mother; he'll need someone like you to be with him. He'll love you, I promise. He's a good kid, the best, and I-'**_

' _ **I have a family,' she cuts off, pulling away. 'A husband, a child; I need to go back to them soon.'**_

_**He's horrified by what she says and almost instinctively moves back. The sheets tangle around his feet and he falls off the bed with a soft thump. 'You-' He runs a hand through his disheveled hair, not able to believe what he's done. He…she is married…and he…they… 'Why did you…?'** _

_**She smiles sadly, but doesn't answer as she climbs down to sit beside him. He tries not to look at her, still naked from the time they spent together; and finally, just pulls the sheets of the bed and throws it around her. She's beautiful, he agrees, but he's not that kind of a person. He had gone to her out of desperation and she'd comforted him, but he doesn't want this sort of comfort. Vaguely, he remembers what his ex-wife always tells him:** _ _You're so immature! You're still such a fucking child!_

_**Neveen laughs at his actions quite openly and then reaches around her neck. There's a silver cross, hanging from a delicate chain, that sits perfectly beneath her collar bone, and it falls to her lap as she unclasps it. 'I want you to give this to him when you get there,' she says, pushing the locket into his hands. 'Something to remember me by. He doesn't need to know my name. Just…tell him that I love him a lot and that I'm sorry I couldn't save him.' She laughs again when he stares at the chain suspiciously, and before he can register anything, she pulls him into a quick kiss. A little peck on the lips and then she's pushing him away. 'Now go. Little Remus is waiting for you.'** _

_**He blinks up at her. '** _ _Remus?_ _**'** _

_**Neveen laughs again; she obviously finds him quite ridiculous. 'Cute, isn't it?' She gets up, pulling the sheets firmly around herself and winking cheekily. 'I've always wanted to name my child that, but it never quite worked out.'** _

* * *

_First love, to little Sidney Xiang, is really quite lovely. To Sidney, his first love is something he intends to cherish and frame into his fondest memories. Being only twelve (and five days) and still currently stuck in his first love does not change this opinion in the least; it doesn't matter if Brian thinks otherwise. Brian doesn't understand love and Remus Lupin the same way Sidney does. He doesn't understand that Remus Lupin is a man of true beauty, with solemn features and light, amber eyes that gives off the illusion of staring at a doll. A unique craft that God himself molded and carved with utmost care and adoration._

_Sidney has tried explaining it to Brian the same way, but Brian always grumbles about purebloods and their bloody romanticist notion of things. Poetry, Brian had once said, can make a swine sound like a turkey, but that doesn't change the fact that the swine is still a swine. Sid had punched him that time for saying such things about Remus and had then refused to talk to Brian for an entire week until Brian had thoroughly apologised. 'You'll never understand,' Brian had said after that grueling one week of no talking, 'blue eyes are better.' Blue eyes, Sidney thinks, are quite plain. Everyone has them, even Brian._

_Remus Lupin, Sidney also thinks, is a very sweet bloke. He doesn't look particularly sweet, but this makes sense because looking like a man of true beauty and looking sweet simultaneously can be quite difficult. Sidney knows Remus is sweet because he (_ _stalks)_ _watches Remus quite often. Sometimes during breakfast, Sidney will stare for hours as Remus chews his pancakes. Sometimes, the stupid Black boy catches him staring and glares, but Sidney sticks out his tounge and sometimes shows him the finger. Sidney isn't scared of the Blacks and especially not that stupid git who probably didn't even know how to tie his shoelaces. Also, often during class hours, Sidney spaces out, trying to recall the kiss he and Remus had shared. It wasn't a very long kiss, but Sidney didn't really know how to do one of those. Brian always kicks him in the shins during these fantasies. Sidney doesn't understand why Brian doesn't just sit with the rest of his house on the Hufflepuff table._

_But then, Brian is his best friend; his very first in fact. Sidney also knows all of Brian's secrets. He knows about Brian being the eldest son and always feeling pressured to do his best. That's why he doesn't complain when Brian sometimes wants to sleep over in the same bed or hugs Sidney a little too long. Sidney likes to give Brian the attention he needs, and if Brian ever wants it, then Sidney will also give up his life for him._

_Sidney discovered this when he and Brian had been sitting in the library on a lovely Sunday evening and Brian had suddenly grabbed hold of his hand. 'Sid, we're mates, aren't we?' he'd asked. 'You love me, yeah?'_

_Sidney had rolled his eyes then and hit Brian up the head, and told him not to ask stupid questions._

_But Brian had continued his stupidity, as he always does, and had kept asking questions. 'Sid, if you had to choose between me and Lupin, who would it be? If you could have only one of us, who would it be?'_

_So Sidney had given Brian the best answer he could think of. 'Would you really make me choose, Brian? The answer's obvious, but I didn't think you were that selfish.' Sidney had meant to say, 'of course, I'll always choose you first' but Brian's face had suddenly turned red and he'd stomped off somewhere._

_First loves are to be cherished, Sidney thinks, but they are never to be prioritised over your best friends._

Brian was only twelve and his life was already fucked, today topping the polls off being the worst fucking day of his life, ever. Twelve years didn't amount to much experience, but even a one year old would tell Brian frankly that his life was truly, completely, a bleeding mess. It was a bigger mess than his little brother's nappies or his little sister's attempt at using a spoon to eat her cereal.

Brian was a tough bloke; everyone in his year said so. But Sid choosing Remus Bloody Lupin over him had to sting a little bit. Hell, it stung a lot; it burned, damn it! Sidney hadn't even come after him after Brian had stormed off from the library, so he was stuck after hours moping alone in Merlin knew what part of the castle. To add to his misery and disrupt his session of misery and self pity, it was Remus Lupin patrolling that very corridor Brain had lodged himself in. God, Brian thought, did not exist at all.

Prepared to meet head-to-head with his rival, Brain stood up, flexed his muscles and held strong to his position in the corridor. Brian still had a long way to grow, but he'd taken on much older Slytherin bullies in the past for Sid. Lupin wasn't really all that Sidney praised him to be.

It was only when Brain felt the brush of black robes against his cheek that he realised Lupin had simply passed by him. He turned abruptly, still wand at ready, only to see that Lupin had settled down quite comfortably on the steps leading to the dungeons and was in the process of lighting a cigarette. Was Lupin mocking him?

'What, aren't you going to tell me to go back to my common room?'

Lupin blew a puff of smoke and looked up, amber eyes strangely alight in the darkness. 'I was hoping you'd figure it out yourself. Talking is rather tiring.'

Lupin  _was_ mocking him. Brian grit his teeth and clenched his fists tightly. 'It's your fucking fault I'm out anyway…'

Lupin tilted his head, not even bothering to pretend he was interested in what Brian had to say. It pissed him off. It pissed Brian off so much that all the moping and anger that he'd kept bottled up for so long burst out. 'Fucking poetries, and fucking symphonies, and fucking googly eyes,' he griped, kicking the walls angrily. 'What a fucking idiot!'

A purposeful blow of smoke hit Brian in the face. 'Do your parents know their little boy has an astounding vocabulary of  _fuck_ , most of it out of context…'

Brian felt a nerve beside his eye twitch. 'You are such a fucking bastard!' He screamed, hating himself for saying 'fuck' all over again and proving Lupin's stupid theory right. Stupid, stupid, stupid; everything was so stupid. 'What does he see in you anyway? I'm his best friend! I'm the one who always looks out for him! Why does he have to choose you over me?' He pointed an accusing finger at Lupin and was accosted by another bought of nicotine.

'Why choose someone who will quit on him this easily?'

Brian's nostrils flared and he quickly wiped away the tears of frustration that threatened to spill. Like hell, he would cry in front of his rival. 'I haven't quit! Who are you to say such things when you don't even- hey,' Brian stopped mid-rant when he noticed a rather large blood stain on Lupin, just beside the seat of his trousers. Hey, you're bleeding!'

Lupin didn't even bother looking. 'I was. Rabid goblins don't like my type much. Took a chunk out of me. '

Brian didn't know goblins had teeth, but the injury did look nasty. 'I could take you to the hospital wing if you-'

'It's healed,' Lupin said firmly, pulling his cloak up to cover the wound.

'Oh...okay,' Brian said inanely, suddenly not that angry anymore. That didn't mean Brian liked Lupin or anything; he just didn't want to be yelling at an injured person. It didn't seem right; it felt like scolding his little sister for breaking her leg. Besides, Sid was waiting for him and he didn't want Sid to think Brian had given up on him or anything the way Lupin said. 'I should go back to the dorms. It's well past curfew.'

'Say hello to Sid for me.'

'Like hell I will!' Brian yelled, walking away moodily and completely missing the slight smirk on Lupin's face.

' _You pretend to be such a bastard, but really, you like that brat, don't you?'_

* * *

_Peter's first love goes all the way back when he was three years old. A lot of people would say that three is too young an age to know what love is, but Peter stands to disagree. Love has no boundaries, after all; not sex, not race, and definitely not age. Peter knew, at three itself, that she would forever be his first love and that he would forever compare her to every other love he fell into for the rest of his life. She had been perfect in every way – her well rounded body drawing Peter's eyes tantalizingly to every curve. She had been a perfect blend of milk and coffee, and Peter knew instinctively that he was her first love also. Over time, Peter knew she would have been completely his, if it hadn't been for his disapproving parents. In the end, Peter had only been able to spend fifteen glorious minutes with her and dragged home forcefully with only her name._

_Her name had been Tiramisu and no chocolate cake or pumpkin pasty had ever compared to Peter's very first dessert._

'You pretend to be such a bastard, but really, you like that brat, don't you?' James called out as they walked towards the staircase leading to the dungeons.

'Don't even know his name…' Remus commented idly, taking a generous drag of his cigarette.

'You're such a fucking liar,' James snorted and snatched the cigarette from Remus's lips, helping himself to a few puffs.

It made Peter distinctly uncomfortable; these little snatches of intimacy between James and Remus. Peter didn't know if it was something that was increasing between them or if Peter was starting to notice them more because he knew the truth. He wished they'd more discreet. He wished James, who was usually such a good and loyal friend, would come to his senses and chase after Lily Evans again.

James put out the cigarette against the wall and extended a hand towards Remus. 'Come on, let me help you up.'

Remus ignored it and stood up himself, starting to walk towards the Gryffindor towers. Peter thanked Remus for having at least a little shred of secrecy and decency. Honestly, why was James being so open with his displays of affection if he was having an affair? Has he never had an affair before? There were _rules!_

'Oi! Accept a helping hand when you're given one, you ungrateful git! Oi, Remus!'

James caught on to Remus, but Peter stayed back. He wondered if James even noticed Peter's presence as he slipped an arm around Remus's waist. There was no straight man, Peter knew; absolutely no straight man who would put their arm around another bloke's waist. Admittedly Remus was limping quite badly again, but Remus  _always_  limped. Well, not always, but Remus wasn't that fragile.

'Hey, come on, Remus. I told you I was sorry,' James whined. 'I know you told me to keep control, and that's it dangerous with you, but I just couldn't help it with tempting eyes like that.' He tilted his head sideways and groaned. 'Gods, so tempting.'

Peter felt like he was going to vomit. James and Remus were in the Magical Creatures class together before this, while Peter and Sirius were in Muggle Studies. James hadn't been able to control himself, which meant they'd…Peter gulped…They wouldn't do it in class, would they? That was way too risky, even for James, who was known for jumping off the Astronomy Tower and casting a levitation charm on himself ten feet before he hit the ground.

'Don't tell me you didn't find it exciting,' James said in a tone that Peter had always characterised with trouble. Except the trouble usually involved pranks and not… 'The Professor was right there. A little to the right, and we would have been caught! You try to look all stoic and disapproving, but you can't deny you enjoyed it.'

 _Merlin help me!_ Peter tried to distance himself from them, not wanting to be guilty of knowing what was going on behind Sirius's back. He didn't want to hear, but James was making a real show of himself just because the corridors were empty (even though Peter took up substantial space).

Peter was sure he'd taken all he could take, when James, quite pointedly, groped Remus's arse. Peter's mouth fell open, his eyes already threatening to pop out. He would have screamed, except it seemed Peter had also lost his voice during his torturous period of cardiac arrest (a word he'd learnt from his muggle auntie).

'Hey, it doesn't hurt too much, yeah?' James asked, sounding apologetic as he groped Remus's arse through his robes. How did one sound apologetic while copping a feel; this Peter didn't know. 'Sirius is going to butcher me if he notices, so make sure to keep your trousers on for a while.'

Peter almost felt sorry for Sirius, but not as much as he did for himself. He felt so sorry for himself that he was going to turn sideways and puke his guts (and a couple of pieces of pie) out when his head smacked into Sirius's chest.

'Hey, Pete, can't believe I caught you guys!' Sirius said cheerfully, looking down at Peter. 'I thought that detention would never end. I've never flushed this many toilets my entire life.'

'Hello, Sirius,' Peter greeted weakly, somehow straightening up. 'How are you? I'm not so good, but you look really well. You look very happy. You should stick with me. We can walk back together. I think James and Remus are discussing some important homework. On…you know…beasts and creatures.' Peter stole a quick glance at James and Remus and was relieved to see that James was no longer fondling Remus. They'd obviously noticed Sirius coming and James was currently waving for them to catch up. 'Oh, thank Merlin.'

'Peter, how many pies did you eat today exactly?'

Peter looked at Remus and James again. 'Five but uh-that doesn't matter. Sirius, I need to talk to you. I…I think it's really important.'

'Yeah, sure. We'll talk when he get to the dorms,' Sirius replied cheerfully, walking towards Remus, arms already wide open for his customary bear hug. Why did he have to look so happy whenever he saw Remus? It just made things harder for Peter. What if Sirius killed James when he found out? Peter didn't want to be responsible for that. But…things were getting too far.

Peter grabbed Sirius by the arm. 'I-Sirius, there's something…I don't know if I should be …Sirius, you and Remus….you're okay, right?'

Sirius raised a sardonic eyebrow. 'Yeah…'

Peter bit his lip. Sirius obviously wasn't getting the hint. 'Sirius, don't you think James and Remus have gotten much friendlier lately? Like…they…er…spend more time together now, don't you think?'

Sirius grinned happily. 'Yeah, isn't it great? Honestly, I was a bit nervous about Remus since he doesn't usually warm up to anyone that easily.' He clapped Peter on the back, winked, and then broke into a run, leaving Peter feeling guilty over being too much of a coward to say it out straight.

Honestly, Peter didn't know how to explain to Sirius exactly how well Remus was warming up to James.

'Oi, Honey Waffles, wait up!'

* * *

_Orton's first love is not as simple, as far as first loves go. He has never had interest in women in particular, so it was somewhat difficult to find a first love to start with. Back then, everything had always seemed off limits, merged together and more confusing than a mass game of twister with fifty different people and too many contributing limbs. And amidst that confusion, Orton's first salvation had come through in the form of thin wrists, brown wavy hair that flipped at haphazard angles, and a soft, neutral expression that spoke of nothing in particular, revealed nothing in particular, but drew you in closer and closer and closer._

_Sitting close to Remus Lupin and simply watching him had been something Orton had taken up as a hobby. He'd sit deliberately close to pencil in well rehearsed formulas, just to watch the letters and numbers reflect in those beautiful amber eyes. But what finally had Orton closing the distance between them had been Remus's voice – still breaking but not awkward. Just soft and smooth, like a whisper between sheets. At that time, buried inside of his first love, Orton had thought that if anything, Remus Lupin was going to be easy to mold and own._

_Two years later, Orton had realised that he had given off everything he'd had to someone who never so much as tilted his lips into a smile or told him that, 'yeah, maybe I fancy you a bit, too.' In fact, Remus Lupin rarely said anything and the face that Orton had come to treasure had become nothing but a cheap mask, with its fixed expression and inhuman features. A mask that Orton had tried to break and ended up breaking himself, Remus, and everything, if anything, they'd had._

_Well, Orton has never really found out if he had broken Remus, because with Remus, it is always the same face, the same eyes, the same voice, and the same expression. The same, the same, the same uncaring and cold amber gaze._

'Five, six, seven, ugh…fuck…' Orton put down the weights and flexed his arm, wincing a little where the pulled muscle hurt.

'You should be careful with weights, what with being star player and all.'

Orton looked up to see a boy standing before him and handing him an ice pack. He was dressed in the team's jersey, but Orton was sure he'd never seen him before. Wavy brown hair, blue eyes, and too slim a build to be a Quidditch player; Orton was sure there wasn't anyone like that on the team. He would have remembered. He would have remembered a voice like that; quiet and a little hoarse. It sounded exactly like Remus's and if Orton closed his eyes and had the boy talking; it would feel like Remus, too.

'Ta,' Orton thanked, taking the ice pack and pressing it to his sore muscles. 'You new here? I don't think I've seen you before, er….'

'Liam,' the boy replied, offering his hand out for a shake. 'A trainee, but I hope to become a main player soon.'

'Liam,' Orton repeated, rolling the name around his tounge. 'Liam, your last name…it doesn't happen to be Lupin, does it?'

Liam half frowned, half smiled, obviously amused. 'No, it's Gregor.'

Orton wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or happy. Either ways, Liam didn't sound like a bad name, didn't feel like a bad person, and sounded…well, Orton would rather not go there. Giving up on the weights for the day, Orton used Liam's hand as leverage to get off the exercise bench, but didn't let go of the hand even as he stood. Smiling and taking a chance, Orton tried to sound as friendly as possible as he said, 'Gregor, what do you say to dinner?'

First loves, Orton realised, die hard.

* * *

_James does not believe in first loves. He believes in 'only loves', and James's only love is none other than the lovely Lily Evans herself._

_James doesn't remember when he fell in love with her since there are multiple points in time when he himself was utterly, completely confused. There is this time in first year when he and Sirius had first met Lily Evans. James hadn't been able to stop staring at her, even though Sirius had claimed that the greasy boy beside her had the sort of nose that could fit planets in. James had wanted to see the planetarium nose but found it very difficult to look past that brilliant red hair._

_Then there are the_ _**urges** _ _. Not the sexual kind; well, that is there too. But James has other urges; the kind that involves dying the tips of her ponytail blue or making goblins sing cheesy valentine songs for her in the middle of November. Sometimes, James has urges to visit the restaurants Lily has dates in and make funny faces through the window, until she storms out to specially punch his lights out. The punching lights out thing always hurts a little; she is deceptively strong for such a wonderfully petite and elegant woman. Still, James is quite confident that she always smiles during James's pranks – which means that inwardly, she is laughing hysterically. Lady like women such as Lily Evans did not laugh hysterically outwardly because it would be considered rude and potentially un-ladylike. James also reckons that Lily Evan's punches and occasional slaps were really signs of undying affection. A bit like how Hagrid first pushed baby Fang's face into his own crap to prevent misconceptions of the house being a substitute for a commode. When asked, Hagrid says that it's the best way to train any sort of house pet, even Hippogriffs._

_James's mum will never allow James to keep a hippogriff for a pet, no matter how much he wants it. Sometimes, James's wishes Hagrid is his mum; except for the slight facial hair problem. The height isn't that much of an issue because James figures that anyone this tall must also have a sizeable penis, which James will inherit if Hagrid really was his mother. There is something severely wrong in James's logic of course, but really, James can't pinpoint exactly what._

_First loves, James also realises are extremely difficult. They are insanely sexy, but ridiculously hard to handle. First loves are also complicated because you're always thinking of the next move that will make your love want you even more, be with you even more. You want to make them smile (in a very ladylike manner), but you also want them to cry for you, and sometimes, you want them to only look at you. First loves, most of all, are insecure. They are the only people you want, but you don't know if they want you. It's your first time that your heart is beating like a rusty muggle tractor on fertile soil and you want to know if you're doing the right thing. You want to know that these silly feelings are reciprocated. And even though the muggle tractor is doing a fine job of drilling uneven holes into your heart, you crave for the holes to never be filled. You want to be with this person forever and never let go._

_There are many manifestations of this desperation for your only love. Sometimes, people act like fools to garner attention and sometimes, people suppress the truth about who they really are…_

James's sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. It was happening again. The sounds of Remus's nightmare were piercing the room: cries and screams of pain that sounded like nails being dragged down a chalkboard. It was happening every night now and every night, it sounded worse, as if Remus was being tortured within an inch of his life.

James rubbed his eyes and poked his head out of the curtains. 'Sirius, is he-'

'Yeah, it's fine,' James heard Sirius reply from behind the shut curtains of Remus's bed. 'I got it. I'll put up silencing charms, so go back to sleep.'

It was impossible to sleep like this. Sirius put up silencing charms every night, but that didn't really put an end to things. James could always tell the difference between the too quiet silence and the sounds of his friends breathing when the charms finally went up. It was natural to worry. They were his best friends after all, and for some reason, James sometimes found himself wondering if the nightmares were his fault. Hadn't they started around the time James had found out about Remus?

Giving up on sleep for a while, James pushed his covers and climbed out of bed. He might as well just make sure they were both all right. Nightmares were an unconscious hindrance for Remus, especially if his mumbles and cries were ever made coherent in front of Sirius. Remus intended to keep things a secret and James promised to help.

'Jamie, Sirius said he'll handle it.'

James turned to see Peter's head peeking out from underneath his curtains, eyes red and puffy from sleep. 'I'm just checking up on them, Pete. Go to sleep.'

Peter grabbed James by the wrist and squeezed pleadingly. 'James, you shouldn't. I know you're concerned, but just let them be…'

James frowned at Peter's persistence. 'Look, I'm just going to make sure Remus is alright. He didn't sound too good.' James tried to move away, but Peter's grip on his hand tightened. He tried pulling harder, but Peter's hand was practically clamping down now. 'Peter, what are you doing? Let me go!'

'No,' Peter replied firmly, surprising James with the harshness of his tone. 'James, things are getting dangerous this way. The way you're acting, it's too obvious, alright? You're my best friend, so I'm trying to help you here, but-'

'Peter, what the fuck are you talking about?'

'I know,' Peter whispered, casting a quick glance towards Remus's bed. 'About your and Remus's secret.' James felt his heartbeat quicken. 'I'm sorry; I overheard the two of you the other day. I shouldn't have, I know, but-'

'Pete, listen,' James whispered quickly, taking a seat beside Peter. 'You can't tell this to anyone. Promise me, not Sirius or anybody else. This has to remain a secret.' This was trouble; James knew he should have put a silencing charm on the room the other day. He knew. How was he going to convince Peter to stay quiet? Knowing Peter, it was a miracle he hadn't gone running to Sirius or higher authorities, for that matter.

'I know that, James, but it's wrong!' Peter yelled and then quickly caught himself, whispering, 'You're going to hurt Sirius eventually and I really hate it! You honestly can't expect me to just take it all in this way!'

James reeled back in shock at Peter's hostility. He'd always known Peter to be a bit of a coward but had never expected him to react this horribly. 'How can you say that, Peter? Remus is-'

What James was about to say got caught in his throat when, suddenly, the door burst open loudly. Both he and Peter stared in shock at the remains of their dormitory door on the ground. James tried to pull himself together but couldn't even move a muscle, as he watched two large men amble inside. Men from the  _Ministry;_  James recognised the emblems on their robes.

'Damn it, what the fuck's going on?' Sirius yelled, coming out from behind the curtains, red faced and furious. Behind him, James could see Remus rousing, sitting up in a daze and rubbing his eyes as if trying to make sense of everything. 'Who the bloody hell are you? Oi!' Sirius was roughly pushed aside by one of the larger ones, and right then, James knew exactly who they were here for.

'Shit,' James cursed, as his suspicions proved right and Remus was forcibly dragged out of bed with one swift pull from the Ministry worker.

Still disoriented, they pulled him to his feet, one of them holding Remus's arms behind his back while the other unfolded a scroll. 'Remus Lupin, we're here to take you under violation of Law 642 of the Beast Division,' he read, beady eyes moving over the parchment swiftly, like he simply wanted to get over things. 'It's best if you comply with orders to avoid violence within school perimetres.'

'What did Remus do?' Peter whispered from beside him. 'Breed dragons or something?'

They needed to find a way to get a professor without being noticed; preferably Dumbledore. If this had something to do with the Ministry and Remus being a werewolf, then things needed to be kept quiet and resolved quickly. This James understood; fighting was going to draw attention.

James had never been this scared in his life. He didn't know what he was scared of. The fact that Sirius looked ready for murder, or that the Ministry workers who had their wands all too ready in their hands. Perhaps what James was most scared of was the look in Remus's eyes as he slowly came to his senses. Amber eyes that were usually barely emotive were darkening, hints of gold swirling dangerously in the irises. He looked, James realised, like a caged animal waiting to kill.

'You should let go of me,' Remus spoke softly to the guard holding him captive.

Through the corner of his eyes, James could see Sirius rearing up for a fight; face flushing with steadily rising anger. It was going to spell danger, James realised. It was going to get very, very bad, if someone didn't stop Sirius right now. Temper wasn't Sirius's strong point, and Blacks always dealt with temper with only one possible way – uncontrolled rage and Dark Magic. 'Sirius, don't!' James warned, trying to make eye contact and tell him to stay out of this.

'Lupin, we received serious complaints about you from Mrs. Gregor.' It might have been James's imagination, but for one second, it seemed like Remus had stopped breathing. 'Your presence right now is a threat to this school and society. I'll say this one more time, comply or we take you by force.'

Sirius wasn't listening. Sirius wasn't even  _looking_ at James.

'I haven't hurt anyone,' Remus said quietly, 'You should let me go.'

James saw Sirius snapping even before it happened.

'GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HIM!'

He saw everything as if in slow motion. The way Sirius charged, reaching out for his wand in one swift motion and spelling out a perfect incantation. The way Sirius's spell was easily knocked off course by one of the men, as if he knew exactly what sort of Dark hex Sirius had shot. And he even saw the unexpected; when Remus flew into a rage, screaming wildly and punching the guard in the stomach, as the errant spell grazed Sirius's cheek. Time could have frozen at that point, Sirius watching wide eyed as Remus screamed and screamed and screamed. It would have stayed frozen that way if it hadn't been broken by the sudden crack of bone. The words 'bloody werewolf' hung in the air, before everything shattered.

The larger one; the one that had been holding Remus down had definitely broken Remus's arm, reducing the boy to his knees, panting from the pain.

'Sirius…' Sirius was looking at James, his grey eyes ready to pop. 'Sirius, I can explain. Remus is…'

Sirius was breathing heavily, looking from James to Remus. When Remus eyes caught his, Sirius quickly looked away. James saw a flicker of hurt pass through Remus's eyes, before Remus gave in and rested his head against the floor, hair tumbling to the front. His body slumped and he didn't make a sound as one of the men purposefully pulled Remus up with his injured arm.

'That's better. Let's go.'

'I don't think that's necessary, Rosier.'

James whirled around, feeling shocked relief at the familiar figure standing at the door. 'Professor Dumbledore!' Professor McGonagall was standing right behind him, lips thinner than James had ever seen them and steadily getting worse as she surveyed the damage to the room.

'I believe you're trespassing in school territories,' Professor Dumbledore said calmly, blue eyes twinkling oddly behind half moon glasses. 'Please unhand my student immediately.'

The one holding Remus, Rosier, seemed unwilling to let go. In fact, his grip was tightening progressively to a point where James could see Remus's skin turning red. Remus, himself wasn't putting up much of a fight, and James wondered why. If it had been James, he would have struggled to move away by now, or at least called out to Dumbledore. James looked at Sirius, trying to gauge his reaction and finding, to his surprise, his friend determinedly looking anywhere but at Remus.

'Sir, we have orders from the Ministry-'

'That was resolved,' Dumbledore cut off firmly. Dumbledore was angry; his face set in loathing and unhidden disgust. James had never seen the old professor this way. 'The allegations were fake and it's very likely that your division will face serious charges for misinformation and attacking innocents, not to mention trespassing. For future notice, perhaps it would be wise to check for the validity of a complaint before taking action.'

It had the desired effect on Rosier; he immediately let go and backed away. There was a sick sound that echoed in James's ears as Remus's broken arm fell limply to his side. It burned through James's nerves; the way they'd treated Remus because of a complaint that wasn't even real.

'Professor McGonagall, please show these gentlemen to my office to discuss matters further.' Dumbledore's voice softened as he turned to Remus, 'Mr. Lupin, perhaps you should get that arm fixed by Madam Pomfrey.'

Remus nodded and they all watched in silence as he left; composed and stoic as always, as he brushed past Rosier walking out with his partner and McGonagall. Dimly, James wondered if he should call out to Remus, or perhaps follow him to the infirmary to check if he was okay. He was considering leaving, when Dumbledore called out his name:

'Mr. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew, I think it's time we had a little chat.' Dumbledore's voice held no argument, and he waited for everyone to settle down before speaking, 'I understand that some of you boys are in a bit of a shock, but I must request you to keep everything you learned tonight a secret. I think, you, better than anyone know that Mr. Lupin's character is far from the stereotypes in your textbooks.' He looked at Sirius in particular, blue eyes scanning Sirius's face for any discrepancies. James didn't think Sirius would tell; he wasn't that kind of a person. What James was unsure of, was if Sirius would still want to be friends with Remus after this. 'If you wish to change rooms, then that shall be arranged, but I need all of you to make promises of absolute secrecy. You all understand the situation that might arise if you don't, and as you may have noticed, the Ministry is not kind towards Mr. Lupin's kind. A mistake on your part will result in more than just a dismissal from the school; I hope you understand what I mean.'

Sirius got up abruptly. 'Excuse me,' he said roughly; stormy grey eyes looking challengingly at Dumbledore before Sirius walked out of the room. James figured that if they had a door, Sirius's would have banged it shut as he left.

'Don't worry, Professor, I'll talk to him,' James reassured, following after his best friend. Sirius would listen to him; Sirius always listened to him. James just needed to make him understand things better and think instead of acting rashly. 'Professor, about the complaint…' James bit his lip, wondering if it was his place to ask. 'Who…'

Dumbledore smiled sadly. 'It was Remus's mother.'

The first thing James remembered was how much his own mother had disliked Mrs. Lupin when she had first stepped into the house.  _There's something very worrying about her_ ; that's what his mother had told them and she'd been right. 'Sir, her last name…shouldn't it be…?'

'That, Mr. Potter, is not my story to tell.'

James wondered exactly what Dumbledore meant by 'story'. How many secrets did Remus keep and how many was James allowed to know? He was thinking about everything that happened so hard that he nearly missed Sirius sulking on the couch in the empty common room. Honestly, he'd expected Sirius to rush off to the infirmary to interrogate Remus, but it seemed Sirius had his own thinking to do.

'I know you're confused…'

Sirius turned towards James, eyes reflecting the flames burning steadily in the fireplace. 'Not really. Everything makes a whole lot more sense now. I should have known, really.  _You_  knew, didn't you? I feel so stupid. This whole time, you knew, and you just kept it from me.'

James shrugged and sat down beside Sirius. 'Remus asked me to keep it a secret and I always keep promises, you know that. Would it have mattered if I hadn't?'

'Fuck, yeah!' Sirius exclaimed, reddening. 'I would think it's a pretty big deal to have his entire fucking existence hidden from me? What next? Do I discover he likes to dress up in drag on occasions?'

James raised an eyebrow. 'You know, for all your declarations of love, you're being a fucking hypocrite. Nothing's actually changed, has it; except that it's not all that much of a perfect fantasy for you anymore. Remus is still Remus. He's still…you know…your…' James didn't want to say it. The words wouldn't come out without hurting his manly pride. 'Your  _boyfriend_.' James couldn't believe the things he did for his friends. 'Look, just talk things out. If you think you can't be with him, that's fine. But we still stay friends, okay?'

Sirius looked at James's searchingly and for a moment, James was sure he'd say, ' _fuck off'_. He didn't look too pleased with James's talk of reason; he looked practically furious, if James had to be honest. Finally, Sirius nodded, and without another word, walked out of the portrait hole. James sincerely hoped he wasn't going to start a hexing match with Remus or injure anyone on the way.

Sighing loudly, he got up to head back to poor Peter who was stuck in the dorms with Professor Dumbledore, when he noticed a slight figure sitting on the staircase leading to the girl's dormitory. It was too dark to see who it was, so James assumed it was one of the ghosts prowling around. No one in their right minds would be up at this time of the night; though with what had just transpired, James was surprised by how quiet Gryffindor was.

'You know, Potter, you can actually be bearable when you lower your git quotient.'

Lump in his throat, James whirled around quickly, only to catch sight of brilliant red hair melting into the darkness. Perhaps James mind was playing tricks on him? After all, it sounded like Evans had just passed him a semblance of a compliment, and the entire school knew  _that_ happening was really quite close to impossible.  _She is quite lovely though, even in my dimmed out imaginations,_ James thought hopelessly.

XxxxX

_Sirius's first love began when he was two. Kreacher had been raising him then of course, because Walburga Black had very little patience for the child who gave her nine months of hell and still coming. At that time, Sirius had discovered something quite exciting. He'd discovered that despite knowing how to take a potty in the toilet, it was much more fun to do it in his underpants. Kreacher would make a funny face when he had to clean Sirius up – as if someone had stretched Kreacher's face outwards while trying to pull it in at the same time. Sometimes, it would look like someone had shoved a rather large silver candlestick up Kreacher's behind while telling him to bite into a lemon. It would have baby Sirius laughing for hours at a time, sometimes blowing spit bubbles to see if Kreacher's face could get any worse._

_One day, sick from cleaning potty, Kreacher had locked Sirius in an empty room with nothing but a bed and a cupboard. Sirius had thought he was alone until he had noticed the little boy standing against the cupboard. The boy had noticed Sirius too and as Sirius waddled closer to the cupboard, so did he. The boy, Sirius realised was really quite cute. He had shoulder length black hair and grey eyes hidden behind shaggy bangs, and smiled the nicest smile when Sirius grinned toothily at him. He must have really liked Sirius, because he would do everything that Sirius did. If Sirius raised his hand, so would he. If Sirius wiggled his butt, so would he in perfect synchronisation._

_It was fun at first of course, but after a while, Sirius had gotten annoyed with the child for being a copy cat and had hit him hard. But instead of touching flesh, their hands had met midway, and Sirius had felt something cold underneath his palm, a lot like glass. Only it wasn't because everyone knew glasses were transparent. Sirius and the little boy hadn't talked after that because Sirius had still been angry at the boy for trying to hit him as well. They had sat back to back and Sirius had tried to reconcile things by talking to him many times, but the little boy had never replied. Sirius thought he had been nothing but a stupid snot._

_He had glad when Kreacher finally came to collect him an hour later saying, 'Young Master, what you is doing in front of Mirror?'_

_The boy's name had been Mirror and Sirius had thought he was very pretty, but had never seen him again. Later, when his baby brother was born after a few months, little Sirius had realised that he had actually seen his baby brother in that room through some sort of alternate-dimension- divine- intervention-thingy. Of course the reason his baby brother had been copying everything Sirius did was because he didn't know how to do anything yet since he was just a baby. That was the day Sirius had decided he would always be big brother for baby Regulus. In time, he forgot about the miracle in the room and just loved his baby brother because that was what big brothers did._

_There are only three people Sirius loves more than Mirror today: Regulus, James, and most of all, Remus…_

It was the loud crash coming from the infirmary that set Sirius running. There were sounds of crunching glass and several bottles breaking, and Sirius quickened his pace, wondering what the fuck was going on. Had the men from the Ministry come back again for Remus?  _No!_  Sirius skidded across the floor, trying to gain momentum as he bumped into the infirmary doors, face plastering to the peek window. He could see Remus through it: leaning against the wall, looking more like a statue than anything else. A table on the side was turned over – obviously the source of all the ruckus.  _Where was Madam Pomfrey?_ There was only one other person in the room, standing right before Remus, walking closer to him tentatively. Sirius tensed, knowing it wasn't a threat, but still feeling uneasy with tense atmosphere settling between John Lupin and Remus.

For a moment, Sirius considered barging in like he always did, as he watched Mr. Lupin move closer to Remus, reaching out and then backing off again. He always did that; Sirius had noticed it first in James's house. He always avoided touching Remus, almost as if he was scared Remus would shatter if he did.

'Don't,' Remus's sombre voice echoed in the quiet of the infirmary. 'Stop moving away. I'm not a disease.'

Sirius didn't know if John Lupin replied to what Remus said. If he did, Sirius didn't hear it, didn't see his lips moving even because he was too busy trying to create a sufficient gap to listen in, without making the door creak too loudly and attract attention.

'I'm your son. I tried to be, so why am I not enough?'

Sirius felt himself stop midway.  _What?_  He tried to asses Remus's reaction, the reason he was speaking like this, but was only met by Remus's usual stony face and calm demeanor. Sirius didn't understand how anyone could stand there and ask a question like this without a hint of expression on their face or even a change in tone. The only tell tale sign of Remus feeling anything was the way his right hand stayed loosely clenched against his chest. Sirius knew what it was that Remus was holding on to; he knew the exact position the silver cross fell, hung from the fourth link.

'Remus, that's not-'

'It's enough this way,' Remus interrupted, his hand reaching out towards John and then stopping midway. It seemed John wasn't the only one who was apprehensive of physical contact. 'The past you hold on to, I'm freeing you of it even though I never blamed you to begin with. So, you can stop now.' Remus's hands braved towards John again, wavering before clutching at the hem of John's t-shirt - touching, but not really. 'Stop and just end it.'

John's mouth opened and closed like a fish, searching for the right words to say and stuttering when he seemed to have found them. 'Remus, you don't know wha-'

'I know.' Remus replied, even before John could finish. 'I know and I remember, but you don't need me to atone for mistakes you never made. Do you understand now?' Remus tugged on John t-shirt slightly before letting go. 'John, there isn't a single person here who wants me alive. Pull up your wand.' It was then that Sirius noticed that John had been clutching his wand tightly this entire time; as if he was prepared to use it. Remus had obviously noticed it as well, as he reached for John's wand and guided it against his throat. 'End it.'

Sirius could see the conflict in John's eyes, the way his hand trembled uncontrollably against Remus's jugular, and the way his eyes jittered to find an escape route. Sirius was sure he wouldn't do it; of course he wouldn't. Remus was his son; even asking such a thing of him was cruel. Why was Remus doing this? Didn't he know; didn't he know that there were a lot of people who loved him even if he was a werewolf?

'Close your eyes, Remus,' John said softly, and Sirius was shocked at how suddenly, John seemed much calmer. His hands had stopped trembling, one keeping Remus pinned well to the wall while the other held the wand directly at Remus's throat. Sirius watched wide eyed and disbelieving, as Remus surrendered willingly. Was John actually going to…Sirius recognised the wand movement perfectly, learned it multiple times in the Black household. He recognised the incantation even before it formed in John Lupin's mouth. And before he knew it, Sirius was bursting through the door and knocking John Lupin out with a quick ' _Expelliarmus!'_

Panting, Sirius looked at Remus, wondering what would have happened if John had been successful. What would have happened if all of Remus's memories had been  _obliviated_? Remus would have forgotten Sirius; he would have forgotten how to smile and laugh, and want Sirius to be there for him. There was no way Sirius would have allowed such a thing; even if it meant knocking out his potential father-in-law.

'Remus! Oi, you fucking bastard, wait up! Remus!'

Sirius looked back at John, wondering if should help the old man out. Figuring Madam Pomfrey would be here any moment, Sirius left him and ran after Remus. The boy was surprisingly faster than he looked, but Remus's slight limp served as a disability and Sirius quickly caught up to him; grabbing him by the shoulders and roughly shoving him into an alcove. Remus's back hit the wall harder than Sirius intended it to and he intended to apologise for it, until he saw the look in Remus's eyes. The look that told Sirius that Remus didn't give a fuck; the same look that Sirius had met with when he'd first met Remus on the train. There was nothing that pissed Sirius off more than Remus's indifference, especially after everything Remus had done to Sirius. Especially after everything Sirius had worked for over the semester; Remus had no right to cut Sirius off.

'That's it, eh; the famous Remus Lupin shut down,' Sirius sneered, pushing Remus harder against the wall. 'You could fight back right now, but you really don't give a fuck, do you?' Remus wasn't even looking at him; he was looking  _past_ Sirius. Sirius grabbed him by the chin and forced him to  _look._ 'Your own father just tried to kill you, but who cares, yeah? It doesn't really matter that he doesn't give a fuck about you or that he's never loved you. Hell, it doesn't even matter if I try to do to the same, does it, because Remus Lupin just doesn't care.' Remus wasn't listening. He was shutting down and Sirius pulled him by the collar of his nightshirt to get his attention, popping the first few buttons. 'Shit,' Sirius cursed, 'I could rape you right now and just leave, and you still wouldn't-'

Sirius froze as a lone tear rolled down Remus's cheek.

'Do what you want,' Remus whispered, looking away.

'I-' Sirius gulped, suddenly feeling guilty for being so rough. Remus was moving away slightly, more towards the darkness to stay hidden from Sirius's eyes. 'Hey, don't do that,' Sirius tried, entwining his fingers with Remus's gently. 'I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Remus…hey…' Sirius moved closer, feeling odd as they moved more and more into the darkness. He was barely able to see now; only the outline of Remus's profile visible because they were standing so very close. 'I was angry. Come on…hey…seeing you cry is really weird. I feel like Slughorn is going to announce his marriage to McGonagall any moment now. Oi, at least look at me while I'm talking to you. Remus…' Sirius tilted his head to the side so that he was nose to nose with Remus; bright amber orbs directly staring into his eyes. 'You've got some balls you know; first you keep a secret from me and then you fucking ignore me.'

Remus turned away, breaking eye contact. 'Should I have told you sooner that I like my meat rare and human on occasion?'

Sirius snorted. 'You told James, didn't you? You told him before me, even though I love you a whole lot more.' He rested his head against Remus's shoulder, feeling like an utter bastard. 'Why is  _he_ different?'

'He walked in on me during the full moon.'

Sirius hid his face further into Remus's shoulder, bare and warm from when his nightshirt had slipped off. 'Do you transform…you know…with your clothes on?' Sirius asked, muffling his voice against Remus's skin as much as possible so that the jealousy in his voice wasn't too audible.

'Not unless I want to wake up looking like I'm wearing coleslaw.' Sirius could feel Remus's confusion and hesitation in the way Remus's hands paused above Sirius's head, before tangling themselves in Sirius's hair.

Sirius tried to explain better; to make Remus understand that he didn't hate him. That he was angry for entirely different reasons: ' _Naked_. James saw you _naked._  I should kill you. I should never talk to you again. Damn it!' Sirius wound both his arms around Remus's waist, ignoring the sudden tense of muscles underneath Remus's nightshirt. 'Do you know how fucking jealous I get when Peter keeps saying how close you and James have gotten. And why the fuck does he get to know about you first and be the good guy?'

'Sirius,' Remus said, sounding uncertain, 'I'm a  _werewolf_.'

'And James saw you naked!' Sirius griped, failing to understand why Remus didn't see the real point of this conversation and Sirius's anger. 'Don't think I didn't notice the other day how he had his hand on your arse. Bloody goblin accident indeed; no one's ever heard of goblins biting anybody in the arse! Damn it!' Sirius grabbed Remus's face roughly and pulled him into a kiss.

It was completely unfair; completely, utterly unfair how Remus managed to melt Sirius's resentment with a simple touch of tounge against the roof of his mouth. Sirius had wanted to stay angry for a little longer; had wanted Remus to understand that Sirius was the only one he could share secrets with and the only one Remus could go to if he ever wanted anything. Not James or anyone else; Remus needed to understand that he was Sirius's alone. He needed to know that the only reason why Sirius let Remus twist their bodies and pin him to the wall this way was because Sirius loved him. Sirius loved the way Remus kissed; lips commanding as they pulled and sucked on his lower lip; tounge twisting and brushing past every corner of Sirius's mouth that made him moan.

'Remus,' Sirius gasped as Remus's hand pushed boldly past his pyjama bottoms, directly into his underpants. 'Ah!' Sirius's head fell against Remus's chest, short of breath as his hands reached down to return the favour. Remus smelled like soap, Sirius realised, giving into temptation and kissing the exposed skin underneath his cheek. Biting and sucking, before soothing the bruised flesh with his tounge; marking him. They were together now, their hands joining around each other in a desperate rhythm.

Sirius wished he could see more; wished he could see how Remus's face changed with every stroke and pull of his cock. He wanted to see the sweat sliding down the back of his neck and the way Remus always arched against Sirius's touch, pushing himself closer from want. Instead, he concentrated on the sounds Remus made; the small breathless moans and pleas for closeness. The way Remus panted, hot puffs of air against the side of Sirius's sensitive neck. Each sigh of breath brought Sirius closer to the edge, his entire body thrusting on its own into Remus's hand erratically. 'Shit,' Sirius whispered, completely incoherent and using his free hand to pull Remus by the neck into a forceful kiss. He was losing control quickly and he sought refuge in Remus's lips, breathing out his moans and cries of pleasure into that sinful mouth.

'Don't look,' Remus murmured, pulling away and burying his face into Sirius's chest. 'Don't see me this way.' It was the last thing Remus said to Sirius that entire day, before letting go of himself and completely surrendering to Sirius.

'I love you,' Sirius had whispered, holding Remus's trembling shoulders long after they'd come over each other. 'Remus, I love you. Please don't cry. You dad loves you, too, and James, and Peter. I love you most of all though; I love you…' Sirius had repeated it again and again; until finally, Remus had slumped into his embrace and the wetness against his chest had dried.

* * *

_Lisa's first love isn't her husband, but he is ultimately the man she loves the most. They'd met in a little café beside where she had worked. He had been standing in front of the jukebox, looking at it with unusual curiosity, as if he'd never seen one before. His brown hair had been tied in a ponytail, revealing his smooth boyish features – he hadn't looked a day older than twenty. Lisa had never been one for younger men, but it had been his eyes that had had her walking up to him. They'd been intense amber, as unusual as his behaviour and as expressive as the turn of his mouth as he failed to get the jukebox working._

' _Need help?' she'd asked._

_He'd looked at her with those lovely eyes and replied, 'It doesn't accept galleons,' starting the wheel rolling towards a future as husband and wife._

_Things would have stayed that way – that blissful photographic moment framing the rest of their lives. Things would have stayed that way if she had foreseen and taken note of the fact that he was still a child. A child with his own silly ideals and the tenacity to hold onto things that were familiar, but not necessarily the same. He had always been spineless; naïve, young, and easy to control. He had always listened to her because she knew what was best for him and because she was the one he loved the most. When he loved, she realised, he loved with all his heart and devotion; an intensity that reflected in the very depths of his eyes. She had been the receiver of that intensity and everything had been fine until their child had died, replaced by an 'it', and he had lost his mind._

Lisa groaned as the door bell rang again. She glanced at the watch and cursed loudly when the little green light showed that it was still three in the morning. It had barely been a week since she'd come back and already, drunk Mrs. Shubert was making her rounds around the neighbourhood for a cup of sugar in the early hours of the morning.

She trudged down the stairs, building up a good temper to throw out on Mrs. Shubert as she forcefully opened the door.

'Mrs. Shubert, if you fucking ever c- John?'

John was standing at her doorstep, amber eyes blazing in the dark and the lines near his mouth looking like deep crevices in the moonlight. She knew why he was here of course; it meant that the beast was finally gone. She'd expected him to come sooner, but nevertheless, he had come back to her as she had predicted he would. As he had done many times before.

'Do you want to…John, what are doing?' Lisa stared at the wand pointed directly at her face. She smiled when she noticed how his hands were trembling and opened the door wider to let him in. 'I know you're angry, John, but I did it for your own good. You realise that, too, don't you? Come in.' When John didn't move, she sighed heavily and cupped his cheek. 'Put that wand down, John; we both know you're not going to do anything. It isn't you.'

'Don't touch me,' he spat, roughly pushing her hand away.

That's when Lisa saw it: the striking similarity between  _it_  and John. Except for their eyes, they looked nothing alike. Yet, the way that John stood, the iciness in his tone and the warning in his eyes – they looked like the same being. The sort of being that meant every word he said and wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty if the need ever arouse.

'I'll kill you,' John warned, moving closer so that his wand was mere inches from her jugular.

'John, calm down. You can't do this; you've never had it in you to hurt anyone. Isn't it better this way? We can be together properly this time. With that boy dead, we-'

'AAAAAHHHHHH!'

Lisa felt her back hit the wall hard, knocking down the array of pictures she'd collected over time. She was pinned, she realised; pinned by John's hand enclosed around her throat and his wand pointing right at her heart. She struggled to move away, but John's hand only got tighter.

'Jo-hn…' she choked, scared as she struggled for oxygen. He'd gone completely insane, she realised, watching the tears streaming down his face. There was a wild look in his eyes; one she'd never expected to see in her weak-willed husband. It dawned to her that this time, he meant it; he _was_ going to kill her.

But just when she thought she wasn't going to be able to take anymore, he let go and she felt herself dropping to the ground.

'Don't come near me again,' he whispered, tucking his wand back into his pocket. 'My conscience won't get in the way next time.'

* * *

_John's first love is (was) a petite Irish woman named Lisa and to him, there was no one else he loved more. He hadn't loved his son when he'd first been born. Coming from a family of seven brothers, he'd displaced the need for a baby sister with the need for a daughter: a sweet baby girl who was likely to get very spoiled by her daddy. So he had been disappointed when the doctor had announced that it he had a brand new baby boy. John's disappointment had faded considerably when he had held his very first child in his arms and large amber eyes just like his peeked up at him shyly. In time, the disappointment had entirely faded and John had discovered that love didn't happen in one day but over a course of years. And as the love for his son grew, so had the love he had for the woman who gave him his child. A woman he had clearly misjudged._

_What John didn't realise up until it was too late was that at some point, between a series of incidents, he ended up loving his son a lot more than he did his wife…_

The second worst thing that can happen in your life, John realised on a hideously bright Sunday afternoon, was to walk into a stereotypical boy's dormitory. Not that John didn't know how boys lived; he himself had studied in Hogwarts once and back home, it  _was_ just him and Remus. John knew what it was like to like in an all-male-testosterone area; he really did. The only difference was that the one male he did live with was the clean kind; the type whose testosterone didn't usually wreak havoc in the form of a natural disaster. Also, his living quarters had a door.

There were clothes  _everywhere_ , and what looked suspiciously like a kind of hybrid fungus growing on the walls where the fat boy's bed stood. There was also a very distinct smell of sweat coming from the boy with the glasses; who for some ungodly reason thought that perhaps the best way to get rid of the smell was to hang his dirty socks and Quidditch robes on top of his four poster. The other corner; John wasn't sure it even had a wall. All he could see were large colourful posters of motorbikes, rock bands, Quidditch players, and an assortment of very odd muggle objects such as escalators and a parking meter. The only decent picture John saw within the crowd was unfortunately, that of his son. John realised that the one place that seemed habitable in the entire room was also Remus's.

The absolute worst thing that can happen in your life, John realised on a hideously bright Sunday afternoon, was to walk in on your only child snogging the daylights out of the one boy you hated the most. What was worse was the other boys in the room seemed extremely accustomed to it. The fat boy had the biggest packet of crisps John had ever seen balanced on his titanic belly, while reading Marvin the Muggle comics. The Potter boy, John thought was still remotely justifiable since he didn't have his glasses on and was currently muttering what sounded like an acceptance speech for his 'award of greatness and excellence in Quidditch'. His award was an action figure of 'Nosebleed, the Bloody' from the Troll History section in toy stores.

John cleared his throat loudly. 'Remus, can I talk to you for a while alone, please?'

'Hey, it's Dad!' The bastard-boy called out, poking his head from underneath Remus. John couldn't believe how casually the little shite was greeting him with hands on his son's arse. At least Remus had enough sense to move away and straighten up; otherwise John would have had to kill the Black boy.

'Oh, hello, Mr. Lupin,' the other two boys chorused, Potter putting on his glasses and indiscreetly shoving his action figure under his pillow. John had an inkling that Nosebleed, the Bloody would leave suspicious stains when later uncovered.

'You're looking dashing today, Dad,' the Black boy commented, following the other two out of the dorms. 'That grey shirt compliments your hair very nicely.' The little git smiled as he said this, and John had to look down immediately when he saw the enormous bite mark peeking out of the idiot boy's collar. He regretted it however, because looking down was a whole lot worse. If those trousers were any indication, his son appeared to be a very good kisser.

'Merlin, just go…' John groaned, putting a hand over his eyes.

'They're gone,' John heard Remus say.

'Good,' John said, relieved. He made to stand beside Remus, who had moved to lean back against the windowsill. John was being surveyed; Remus's calculating and passive eyes meeting his directly until John had to look away. John had made it this far, but he hadn't actually planned what to say next; what to do to convince Remus how much John loved him. 'Remus, I wa-'

'John,' Remus interrupted, saving John the pain of stuttering. 'I just want to know the truth. Please tell me: how many times have you  _obliviated_ my memories?'

John sighed, knowing that the question was unavoidable. As much of a caveman he might seem, the Black boy had read through John's movement perfectly. Had known even before John performed the spell exactly what would happen and the resulting consequences. John hated to admit it, but in a sense, the little horned toad had knocked a lot more sense into John by knocking him out. 'Twice,' John admitted finally. 'I didn't want to, both times, but you cried every time you remembered. I hate seeing you cry, Remus, you know that. I can't stand it. I realised I could prolong the memory loss the accident had caused, so I did. Memory Spells are fragile and can cause permanent damage, so I asked a few muggle doctors and found out other ways for you not to remember. Touch, familiar faces, certain places, anything…I just had to remove it.'

Oddly enough, Remus didn't seem angry at all. He was looking at John with an unsettling intensity as if trying to assess the truth in his words. Finally, he nodded and smiled. 'Thank you.'

John's frowned. That was it? Was John forgiven for everything, just with a simple answer and a thank you? It didn't feel enough, John realised; it felt unfinished as if John was supposed to do something. Apologise; tell Remus how wrong he had been about everything back then in the hospital and how mortified John had been that he couldn't even answer properly. 'Remus, I…there are limits to how far guilt can take you. Everything I did, even if it was wrong, was because you are my son. Because I didn't want to lose you again.'

Remus was still smiling his small smile, head tilted to the side as if amusing himself over an internal joke. It was nice to see his son like this: smiling and content, but preferably not having his way with another boy.

Hesitantly, wondering if this was going to seem incredibly stupid, John reached out; ruffling Remus's hair slightly before pulling him into a hug. He hadn't done this for a while, but it didn't seem too unfamiliar. The little boy had grown bigger now and didn't fit as securely in his arms as he did before. The arms that wrapped around him were stronger, more independent but unfamiliar at the same time; as if unsure of what they were supposed to do.

'This is a bit uncomfortable,' Remus's words came out muffled against John's shirt.

It  _was_ a bit awkward. 'You complained about it, so learn to bear with it. We could talk instead if you wanted to. If you had any questions…'

John felt Remus shake his head. 'I feel a little illiterate,' which translated to things being uncomfortable but still okay.

There wasn't much to talk about anymore anyway. There were no more secrets or apprehensions; everything was already out in the open. For the first time, John felt at ease and confident that perhaps Remus could handle remembering; that he didn't have to go to the extremes anymore. It wasn't completely okay between them, but it was a start. 'I suppose I have that Black boy to thank for saving us,' John mumbled grudgingly. 'I really hate him, you know. He looks like he does drugs.'

'I know,' Remus replied, his tone pointing out quite obviously that he rather liked boys who looked like mental institution delinquents. 'John?'

'Hm?'

'Do you know how long these hug-things are supposed to last?'

John laughed and rested his chin on top of Remus's head. 'Not a fucking clue.'

* * *

_Remus's first love isn't something he remembers all too well or at all; the same way Remus doesn't remember his old name. But John can pinpoint the exact date he discovered that his son wasn't going to grow up to be a normal boy, and this was not concerning the werewolf issue._

_Remus's very first love had been named Hadi; a pretty little neighbourhood child with reddish brown hair, dark, dark eyes, and a nationality that Remus's five year old vocabulary could not have encompassed. They would go to the same primary, though Hadi was a year ahead and knew everything about everything. Hadi had taught Remus the most exciting things; like how to burp by will or make old Mrs. Ponting talk without her teeth. For the longest time, Remus had been confident that Hadi was girl, because girls were always pretty and boys were handsome, and Hadi had definitely been pretty. Hadi had been a boy though; and Remus discovered this when they'd had too much orange juice and had needed to go really bad. Hadi had had a little pee-pee just like him._

_After Remus had changed; after the bad bite, no one had been nice to him except Hadi. He hadn't been allowed to go to the primary anymore and no one would play with him in the park. Hadi's mum had been nice, too, just like Hadi. She would sometimes invite Remus to come over during the weekends and would always serve cool lemonade in tall, colourful glasses. Sometimes, Remus would feel bad for wishing that she was his mother instead._

' _All the other kids say you're a monster,' Hadi had commented one day, while they were playing with molding clay.' Are you?'_

_Remus had looked down at his shoes, feeling his eyes prickling in a way that big boy's eyes shouldn't prickle. 'I don't want to be…' he had replied, hoping Hadi would still want to play with him._

' _Mum says that I shouldn't listen to them because all of them are monsters,' Hadi had concluded smartly, with his hands on his hips. 'I think they're stupid, too, because you can run a lot faster than me, and you're brilliant at making up jokes. Monsters aren't supposed to be funny; they're supposed to have big teeth and big, scary eyes. Everyone knows that.'_

_Remus had laughed and thought that Hadi was the nicest and prettiest person alive. Later, he had told his father so, and his father had looked at him funny and then laughed and said, 'oh, dear Merlin.' Daddy had liked Merlin a lot and often called for him. Merlin had never answered though._

_Sirius, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. Remus hates him. Yes, Remus absolutely despises Sirius – the presumed love of his life. Sirius is loud, obnoxious, and constantly doing ridiculous things like charming his teeth pink to get Remus's attention. He is needy and on a regular basis, glues himself to Remus and kisses him on the cheek for no apparent reason, except that there is transfiguration class next. Remus does not find McGonagall to be a very attractive reason for kissing._

_Sirius also likes to_ _**spoon** _ _at night and occasionally thinks of Remus as a substitute for a pillow. During Remus's nightmares, Sirius holds him so tight that Remus is asphyxiating not because of the frightening dream, but because Sirius is squeezing all the bleeding oxygen from his lungs. Sirius also likes be artistic with Remus's breakfast – cutting up the eggs and bacon and piecing them together to read 'SB heart RL'. It is sickening. Sometimes, Sirius will even go as far as to sprinkle chocolate bits on his buttered toast. Remus does not like chocolate bits on his buttered toast. He likes syrup._

_The only merit, Remus concludes, is that Sirius is passable in bed. Not extraordinary, mind you; he makes Remus a little breathless and always tattoos marks into Remus's skin like he's some kind of teething toy. It is not in the least bit amusing to wear his collar high like a delinquent or have to hairspray his hair stiff to cover the marks during class. Remus does not like borrowing Sirius's hairspray; it smells like roses. Sirius is also an utter and complete git, because he isn't even scared of Remus. He isn't scared of werewolves, or think them as dangerous; and even got hideously turned on when Remus growled at him in his most evil growl mode. 'Oooh, do it again,' Sirius had said, hands going to Remus's pants._

_Sirius is stupid and Remus doesn't love him at all. Not one bit._

Remus felt arms encircle his waist and a gentle kiss placed on the side of his neck. 'Don't you just love morning showers?' a cheery voice asked into his ear.

Remus did not love morning anythings; or mornings in general. Mornings were bright and the birds usually screeched from the tower tops under the misconception that they could actually sing and that it would actually bring them a partner to have eggs with. Mornings also meant showers where he'd have to listen to Peter and James singing a duet of ' _Ride My Horntail, Baby'_  in practiced synch.  _Coincidentally,_ Remus always ended up in the stall in between James and Peter.

'Well, someone is in a grouchy mood,' Sirius sing-songed, playing with Remus's hair and twirling it between his fingers. He seemed oblivious to the bad singing on both sides of them; perhaps the ridiculously large violet shower cap on Sirius's head actually blocked out sound? 'Come on, Moony-baby; cheer up. It's nothing a little groping won't fix.' As if to prove his point, Sirius's hand slid down to Remus's arse and squeezed indulgently.

Remus disliked being manhandled early mornings; especially by someone who wore poncy shower caps. In his utter dislike for mornings, Remus stepped away to shampoo his hair, letting Sirius grope the shower taps instead.

Sirius pouted. 'Don't be like that, Honey-bear!'

Remus's inner wolf growled at being referred to as a lower species. Bears ate berries and leaves; wolves ate anything that ate berries and leaves, and some. Remus was about to complain quite explicitly about Sirius being so entirely illiterate, when he felt soothing hands on his hair. Massaging hands; long fingered ones that were extremely manipulative.

'I've always wanted to do this with shampoo,' Sirius exclaimed happily. 'Look, if I move your hair and pick a bit up like this, you look like you have wolf ears. Part it in the middle and you look like Frank Longbottom…now McGonagall's bun…'

'You are so lame,' James's commented, peeking into their shower stall from above. 'That looks more like McGonagall bum than her bun.'

Remus did not appreciate the back of his head being compared to someone's hind quarters, least of all McGonagall's. At least the singing had stopped.

'It does, too!' Sirius fought back. Suddenly realising that James was actually there, he gasped, grabbed the shampoo bottle quickly, and used it to hide Remus's privates. 'Oi! Who said you could peek into our stall, you perverted bastard!' Remus didn't understand what the big issue was and proceeded to calmly wash his hair, and get through the morning.

'That shampoo bottle is transparent, you know,' Peter said quite frankly, hoisting himself up to peek over the stall. The stall barrier creaked dangerously under his weight, and Remus hoped it didn't crack and kill him before he was done with his shower. 'Besides, it isn't like Remus is  _that_ impressive.'

Remus felt one of his veins above his eyes snap. 'At least I can see mine when I look down,' Remus replied coolly, walking out of the stall. No one insulted his penis; especially those who had no idea the feats his penis had achieved. Especially those who channeled their sexual depravity through songs like ' _Ride My Horntail, Baby'._

James howled with laughter, losing his grip over the stall and falling with a loud  _slap!_  to the slippery floor. 'Look at that. Remus Lupin has emotions after all! An entire year worth of drama passed by and he finally reacts to an insult to his dick.'

'Hey, don't run away on me like that,' Sirius called out, catching up to Remus and pulling the towel around Remus's neck, so that he fell ungracefully into Sirius's chest. 'Don't mind Peter; I think your cock is lovely,' Sirius assured and Remus wondered if Sirius thought he was actually making things better. Cocks were not classified as 'lovely'; they were not dolls or dresses and using lovely as an adjective was really quite degrading. Sirius might as well have said Remus's cock was 'pretty'.

'I'm not five, Sirius,' Remus grouched, when Sirius started to towel dry his hair for him, seemingly oblivious to how much Remus's cock had shrunk back into his body from utter humiliation.

'Let me pamper you a bit,' Sirius insisted, wiping behind Remus's ears gently. 'I love you, you know. Those stupid wankers are probably going to make fun of me, but what do they know.'

Remus sighed heavily, concentrating on the fascinating toothpaste stain on the sink as he let Sirius dry his hair for him. It was somewhat pointless given that Remus usually used his wand to dry his hair.

James and Peter had started singing again, much to Remus's displeasure. He shifted awkwardly, and after what seemed like hours of awkward silence between him and Sirius, Remus mumbled, 'Me, too.'

'Eh?'

Remus felt vomiting would be a suitable option as of now. 'You know…I lll…' It was disgusting; what was he thinking? Why was he doing this? 'I lo…' Remus clenched his teeth and looked at Sirius, as he, quite eloquently, explained what he'd been trying for stupid Sirius to understand, 'The 'L' thing. Me too, alright?' Feeling his cheeks grow hot, Remus quickly turned away. 'We're going to be late for breakfast. Put some clothes on.'

Sirius chuckled, pulling Remus's into a hug and kissing him on the nose. 'I know.'

And really, that was the closest Remus was ever going to get to a love declaration, at least in this life.

* * *

 

**The End**

* * *

 


End file.
